33 thoughts on “When Females Rape Males

  • October 17, 2017 at 3:10 pm

    I was six. My babysitter was twelve. We played “doctor” and she needed to “taste” me to see if I tasted right. That went on. Every weekend. For almost a year. We finally moved.

    I was thirteen. The next-door neighbor was a single mother to a couple of girls several years younger. She was maybe 30? She babysat my younger brother and I no occasion. Iasked what a masturbater was after another boy in school called me that as an insult. She decided to show me.

    I was fifteen. The younger sister of the woman next door was seventeen and occasionally came over and played N64 with me when she visited. She told me she had been thinking about suicide because her older boyfriend wouldn’t have sex with her. She pressured me to help her relieve her stress.

    I was seventeen and my girlfriend, who was a virgin, told me that if I didn’t have sex with her, she would go find someone who would. I should have let her. Two years later, she demanded that we allow other women in the bedroom because she wanted to explore her sexuality. I honestly don’t know why I stayed. Sorry to bust that bubble guys, it’s not the dream you think it will be if all you want is to settle down, marry this woman, and be faithful.

    I was twenty-two. My girlfriend wanted to have another man in the bedroom. We were in college and neither of us had jobs. Her parents were paying the bills for our apartment and she was going to put me out on the street if I didn’t agree. Less than six months later, if I didn’t want to be homeless I was going to watch her have sex with other men. I needed a roof over my head… right?

    I was twenty-five. My girlfriend’s gay best friend tried to stick his finger in my ass. He grabbed my dick more than once. I asked her to make him stop or I would hit him. I was asked not to make a scene.

    I was twenty-six. As a bit of background, my father was a very abusive alcoholic. My girlfriend of two years would get sloppy drunk and very aggressive, occasionally in very public places. I said no. Repeatedly. She slapped me. I’m a man. We’re not allowed to hit women… are we? I let her have her way. She tapdanced on the line of alcoholism for over a year but her father had just died and she told me she’d kill herself if I left her. I waited until she cheated before I left.

    When does it stop? Can I have a normal relationship now? I’m worried that I’m “into” some really fucked up stuff sexually now because I need that control to even maintain an erection. Will anyone ever love me and all of the mental scars I might not ever get over?

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    • October 18, 2017 at 2:26 pm

      I’m so sorry to hear about all these bad experiences you’ve had with women. Have you ever thought of counselling? If you let your traumas go unresolved, it’s hard to get out of the cycle I’m afraid.

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      • October 19, 2017 at 6:34 am

        This breaks my heart. You didn’t deserve any of that 🙁

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      • October 19, 2017 at 11:50 am

        Counseling helped with the anger and the rage I struggled with for years from my childhood. The feelings of self doubt and worthlessness never went away, but they pushed me to work hard and make something of myself. It sounds a bit fucked, but in a way I’m thankful for all of the abuse. It pushed me to achieve things to prove to myself and everyone else that I’m more than what they used me for. My adult experiences solidified my trust issues and I’m not sure I WANT those to be fixed. Alone isn’t really all that bad. I’ll likely never be good enough for myself but I think I’ve developed some good coping mechanisms. I firmly believe that after something that horrific has happened to me so many times and in so many ways that I’ll never be “whole” but I can be greater than what has happened to me. My life is full of contradictions now. Nothing really makes sense. It’s important for me to set goals and meet them but I can’t convince myself that those goals are worthwhile.

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    • October 19, 2017 at 10:10 am

      Im so sorry to hear that brother, just know that it wasnt you that did anything and its not your fault. Your a good man and do deserve love and a good relationship, especially if thats what you want. Personally ive been through some abuse not quite like this but abuse and I found that being by myself and learning to love myself without others has helped me heal alot. I pray for you my brother!

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    • October 19, 2017 at 9:01 pm

      Babe,I think you can have a “normal” relationship if you try to be assertive when you know you are in a bad one. I think you have a big heart and you choose to give but sometimes you must sacrifice and take Losses when you know better. I am also going to say, change the women you think you like. There are so many sweet girls out there who are loving and the marrying type. Decide that you deserve better and then you will choose better and then get better. Find that vine that is suffocating your life tree and cut it off. Find that pivotal moment that you think is causing these line of bad girlfriends.

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  • October 17, 2017 at 5:23 pm

    My comment is related, but also very different:

    I’m not saying all females are like this, but it is very common:

    This also involves flashbacks that ruins my ability to interact with them.

    There is a phenomena, if you don’t believe, there’s plenty of even mainstream sources confirming it, of women, especially the young ones, who have a very immature sexuality for an aggression that is not just good confidence.

    DNews (Discovery) did a piece on it. Good Morning Britain did a segment on it: Psychologist Discusses Attraction To Violent Criminals. Google has even quantified statistics of it. Just search for an article: Google Researcher: Porn Featuring Violence Against Women Is More Popular Among Women Than Men by Ian MIles Cheong.

    I just recently met a very nice girl who would’ve been perfect for me, but as I was starting to make plans with her, I started basically getting flashbacks of all the other ones who stabbed-me-in-the-back for being a proper male. They all ruined it for me. I’m getting tired of this 50 Shades Of GREED garbage. It’s another form of violation of masculinity. It promotes abuse of masculinity with the pretense of “strong” men. How delusional do you have to be to think that you can have the implied demands to get something so unrealistic?

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    • October 17, 2017 at 5:25 pm

      That piece by DNews is called Why Psychopaths Turn Women On.

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    • October 19, 2017 at 10:12 am

      I had a girl that wanted me to choke her basically as hard as I could so she couldnt breath and she wanted me to make her make weezing noises…. I stopped that relationshiip as I could never harm my lover like that…. Im a believer its from the abuse and brainwashing of modern times telling women thats what they like. Just like they tell men not to share their feelings because thats “manly”

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  • October 18, 2017 at 1:25 am

    Thank you for sharing this story. It’s very important that people recognize that this kind of thing isn’t only possible but that it’s not nearly as rare as people think. Sadly, “I don’t think men can be raped by women. How would it even work?” is such a common response to the matter

    The first time I was sexually abused, I was 8-years-old when my mother’s friend made me perform oral sex on her. It went on continuously for three years, several nights every week. Sometimes my mother would make me do it for her, too; other times, she would just watch / film and make sure I did what the other women asked

    The first time I was raped, I was 11-years-old. Even though what they did before was disgusting, being forced into sex felt even worse because I hated how they were able to make me get an erection. It was like my own body was turning against me, and that they had more control over it than I did

    This went on for another almost two years, until my mother died. The other women were never prosecuted, as the police didn’t start an investigation even after my dad and I reported it to them, despite the videos and pictures my mother made of them doing the things they did

    Rhys’s story is significant to me especially because I have some of the same issues with sex. I’m not comfortable with sexually aggressive women, and I’m very particular about which sex positions and activities don’t feel threatening to me

    Because of this, usually I don’t find sex to even be worth the hassle of trying to find a partner who’s willing to completely submit to all the restrictions and peculiarities, so lately I’ve been avoiding it altogether. It’s not even very enjoyable to me. The difference is that I don’t masturbate much, either; about once every couple of months, if I’m feeling up to it

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  • October 18, 2017 at 4:51 am

    One person can brighten up somebody’s world, even only for a couple of minutes. But that one person can also provide eternal darkness for the other.

    My ex was physically violent towards me, and with her height and weight both greater than mine, these punches were not something that could be brushed off. These punches left bruises, which were deep and lasted weeks.

    Each time she hit me and I questioned her on it, her reasoning was that I was, “Pissing her off”.

    Physical violence though is nowhere near as harmful as sexual violence. That night that she raped me – by holding me down when I tried pulling out and couldn’t – turned light into dark and closed all the doors which trapped me inside a pain that I live everyday.

    Her act of selfishness showed me how heartless the world truly is. Her actions destroyed me as a person who was happy, smiling and enjoyed everything he could. She took that person and turned him into a shell.

    Instead of seeing the good in people, I now only see the bad. Once upon a time, a person speeding was just an idiot. Now it’s a person who doesn’t care for others, who’s willing to put others at risk and take their lives.

    Being raped isn’t just a violation of the body, but also of the mind. The mind becomes tainted and the heart becomes bitter.

    This feeling is amplified by hearing the words, “Men can’t be raped because they always want sex anyways”, or “You got what you wanted”, from multiple sexist women who make up their own stereotypes against men, some who I knew in real life, and some online who messaged me when I tried to open up to support groups. People do not realise that physical consent (by having an erection) is not the same as mental consent (by the mind saying “yes I want to continue”) so even though I wanted to lose the erection, doesn’t mean that I could.

    Not one day passes where I don’t think about what she did to me, or what people have said to me. Somehow, something always brings the memories back up, something always makes me feel the pain.

    People recommend a psychologist, but seeing one cannot change the way I feel. I know it’s not my fault about what happened, so nothing can make me feel better. As Sting once said, “It’s my destiny to be the King Of Pain” and that is exactly what being raped makes a person feel.

    Happiness is out of reach and anger just becomes a way of life.

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    • October 19, 2017 at 11:33 am

      I am so sorry this happened to you and is not right no matter what any body says. I am going to school to be a counselor and I would only hope to be able to help you if I were your counselor. I do think it would be hard and be a long road to recovery but may also be worth it. Please try and reconsider getting help just to try and repair the damage that these people have done to you. You DO deserve it and are worth it. If I could I would give you a big hug and if I could I would take your pain away. I am a mother of a 4 year old girl and 2 year old boy and can not imagine these things happening to them. I will pray for your recovery. Sorry again

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  • October 18, 2017 at 10:11 am

    When women sexually abuse men-the hidden side of rape,stalking,sexual harassment,and sexual assault. the first book ever to fully discuss these issues. Available on Amazon

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  • October 18, 2017 at 11:05 am

    This is a great read and really shows another perspective on sexual assault that many ignore. It took a lot of courage to showcase this.

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  • October 18, 2017 at 11:09 am

    I was drugged and raped by a woman when I was in college. I don’t remember it much – just flashes which inconveniently happen at night when I’m trying to sleep.

    I haven’t slept all the way through a night since. I wake up sweating, shaking, every night.

    I tried seeing a couple of psychiatrists about it. They told me until I took responsibility for what happened, I would never get over it.

    So here I am. I feel so sorry for my current wife – she doesn’t understand. She doesn’t really “get” the problem, although she is aware there’s a problem. It’s so hard for her to conceive of it, despite her best efforts.

    Anyone else I would tell would mock me, so I stand in silence. Which is why no one knows – we’re all silenced.

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    • October 18, 2017 at 8:37 pm

      Lord Steve,
      I too was raped by a woman at University. In my case I suffered no lasting damage to my psyche and/or self-worth. I did not report the incident (it actually didn’t even cross my mind to do so) and do not think I would have been taken seriously even if I had – afterall, how does a man get an erection while being raped? I was physically larger than her. I was very fit and strong. How on earth could I have been raped? I was raped while I was drunk – that I produced an erection is therefore surprising on a number of counts. But it was non-consensual sex conducted in a deliberately predatory and exploitative manner by her and no different from instances when men might get a woman drunk (or as in your case drugged) and then “take advantage”.

      I don’t understand the reaction of your psychiatrists. What is it that you are expected accept and take ownership of? The way it is expressed it sounds as if they regard you as in some way respsonsible for the rape. Do they? Or do they mean something like “recovery can only occur if you face the horrible truth and facts”? It doesn’t sound like that is what they mean but could it be so?

      If that is indeed what they mean, then I suspect they might be correct – I say that not to criticise you but in the following context: I am struggling with addiction problems and know that my path to a fuller recovery is aided when I am able to face the sordid truth of my actions and the consequences of my actions when I am acting out my addiction. It is very hard, painful and at times horrific to do so. I do not know (and am not in a position to advise and wouldn’t dream of it anyway – I’m not a counsellor or psychologist) but could it be that you have to get right down and “feel” the abuse, shame, anger, horror and pain and express it, cry it out, scream it out in a manner in which you have not been previously able to do so? I don’t know.

      I was lucky – I got through the rape.

      You are brave and honest to express your struggle and you have my admiration and the solidarity of another damaged man trying to recover – though in my case from self-inflicted wounds.

      You are right to recognise the problem of silence. It is not a path to recovery and acceptance. I hope your sharing here will be the continuation and a new chapter in your journey to survival. Such suffering cannot be internally surpressed or stifled – it always comes out in the end and invariably in maladaptive and/or destructive actions or consequences. Personally I think it is only rarely that the journey to recovery and survival from deep trauma is possible alone. How can you you find a community of support? Like you, I have no community to support me in my addiction and it is very difficult and at times lonely – I have tried but people I thought supportive friends have actually turned out not to be so. Recovery in social isolation and without the opportunity to talk out the problem is very, very hard.

      I hope that doesn’t sound too mushy: emotional and psychological damage is painful s*hit.

      Good luck.

      Ossa.

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    • January 22, 2020 at 1:09 am

      Hello! This is in reply to Lord Steve (Not my real name): I am a woman, but I am speaking as a person, not as a woman here in this reply message. Also, in case anybody replies to my message, I do not always check the email I used to post this comment, not because I do not care about this subject or who I am speaking to, but because I have a lot of issues with technology. Your psychiatrists as Ossa mentioned, may have meant you need to accept what happened to you? I’m not sure. You have more knowledge on what they meant than anybody else here. I hope you find clarification on that, from either the same psychiatrists (of course you may not wish to go back to see them. You don’t have to see them if they put the blame on you. Maybe you don’t wish to see them for other reasons. If they did blame you, then they are not professionals.) or from different, qualified people.

      As others here have said, none of what happened was your fault. Absolutely none of it. The idea that if your a man and “you didn’t fight back/it was a woman” means “you liked it” is absurd. Nobody can fight something that is out of their control, and feeling pressured to do something definitely turns that something out of that person’s control. For your own situation, being drugged of course means you had no control, no choice! Putting any blame on you is misandrist, toxic masculinity crap, just like telling a woman that “she asked for it” because of what clothes she wore is misogynistic.

      Another factor may be, and I may be a ‘bleeding heart’ but I am only taking Introduction to Psychology so I am not a professional, that you don’t quite know what happened. You have gaps in your memory, it’s lost time. You don’t have the full story therefore your mind runs itself ragged trying to piece together exactly what happened while not wanting to know exactly what happened because “Why would anyone want to know those answers? I’m disgusting if I want the full story.” If this is the case with your thinking, you are not disgusting. It makes sense that you would want to know. A bad thing happens to you with a lasting effect on your life, but you have gaps in your memory of what happened? I would have questions too down to the last detail (I have severe OCD). Meanwhile, other people who don’t remember the whole story of the bad thing that happened to them don’t want to know – different people handle different things differently. What you experienced is trauma, you have trauma, and it will manifest itself in varing ways. Do not blame yourself for how it does manifest. You cannot control your emotions/thoughts/feelings, they are like the weather, but you can control how you act on those emotions/thoughts/feelings.

      About the wife part, I hope she is supportive and trying to learn and understand. Female-on-male rape exists, it is traumatic, and those who have endured it or are enduring it deserve support and care. I know I’m missing something here as I do not personally know your situation, but I don’t really ‘get’ what is so difficult for her to understand. Men experience rape as well…. Anybody can be subjected to it.


      Anyone else I would tell would mock me, so I stand in silence. Which is why no one knows – we’re all silenced.

      That last line is an accurate and awfully sad description of current society. If the people who are supposed to be closest to you would genuinely regard you in this way if they found out, is it possible for you to cut them out of your life? To gain support you need to be honest and open about what is going on so you get the right directions to the right help, and if they find out, well, you don’t deserve that kind of treatment. I hope everything improves for you and everyone else here.

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  • October 18, 2017 at 7:24 pm

    When I was 13 my feminist mother gave me to an adult friend of hers for sex. I did not want to be there and I tried to talk my way out of it by saying “I don’t think this is a good idea”. The woman shut me down with “why, are you afraid of the dark?” My other excuses were easily deflected in a similar way. Sex between adults and children is not OK because of the obvious power differential.

    Much later, a jealous girlfriend forced me to remain in an intimate relationship that I did not want by threatening to call the police, if I ever left her. After that, everything felt exploitative, including sex. I finally escaped by secretly recording her threatening to call the cops and falsely accuse me of domestic violence if I left her. She was so crazy she would hit the phone against her mouth until her lips bled, then say “I’ll tell the cops I wanted to call 911 and you hit me with the phone, nobody will believe you.” When I left, she called the cops, and I told them about the recording. They informed me that Florida is a 2-party state, and the recording was not legal … but they went back to the woman and (falsely) told her that they had seen the recording. She withdrew the charges.

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  • October 19, 2017 at 12:04 am

    Hello

    I was raped by a woman. Earlier I replied to Lord Steve but hope it is OK if I comment more broadly: the accounts which people have been honest and open enough to recount here are, I find, deeply sad and troubling on many levels. I have read all the comments so far and find a number, if not all, elicit anger and some disgust in me. They are stories of abuse and I would feel the same if I had been reading of the case of woman being raped or a child – in some cases that is precisely what has happened here. Some of you men are the victims of child abuse and pedophilia, not simply female on male rape.

    I write to offer (for what it is worth) moral support to you who have been brave enough to speak. For every man who is prepared to speak out, so it is that this issue may become more widely understood and recognised and then, hopefully, more men will be supported towards recovery. It requires groundbreakers to come forward to tell their stories and you have done so. By telling your stories and struggles then others will be encouraged to come forward and eventually communities of recovery may develop: at the moment I suspect victims such as ourselves are rarely, if ever, going to have an opportunity for recovery from our rapes within a group or other appropriate setting.

    I don’t mean to get all theoretical and overthink this, but I do tend to rationalise things. Often I think the act of rationalising, of thinking rather than feeling, puts some space between me and my emotions. Sometimes that is necessary. Other times I do it because the emotions and feelings are too painful. For me, in my challenges, I am finally learning that such pain cannot be avoided; the sadness and anger and despair and whatever must be felt. By avoiding the pain I know in my case I have only made my own suffering worse and my recovery less likely.

    I suspect that among the many issues associated with male rape is the problem of ‘de-masculinisation” – put simply it is embarrassing and weak of us that we were raped. At least that is how we think we are or will be perceived by those who come to know our stories. Men are supposed to be strong and dominant according to general societal expectations and clichés (which by the way are rubbish I think).

    And are we “victims”? – another powerful word. In my view we are. Being a victim can, like de-masculinisation, produce feelings of shame and embarrassment. Those feelings are true and real but I see no reason to blame ourselves. Society does often treat or regard victims as weak or deficient in some manner. I regard that thinking as pretty stupid: Would we regard the defenceless children subjected to pedophilia as weak or deficient? For whatever reason, we had no power and were defenceless too when we were raped. We WERE victims of abuse and continue to be so though the ongoing effects. What we seek is healing to the extent that that can be achieved. For some of us the damage is so great that full recovery will be very difficult – but I hope we can learn to adapt as best we can and mitigate the damage.

    And perhaps we the victims share another thing: a deep sense of shame. We are often ashamed of ourselves and our thinking is often warped and corrupted into self blame and self-loathing. Even the notion of “being a victim” carries some very negative baggage with it.

    But by all of this I do not mean to say: “Stop thinking or feeling that!! It is wrong to think or feel that!! Stop being a victim!! We have no reason to feel shame or embarrassment or demasculinisation!!”. No; such statements and attitude in my view entirely misses the point and are untrue because you often DO actually feel or think that. Such shame is real and true – but this does not mean that we are defunct in yet some extra way because we feel such shame or feelings. It is a true artefact and result of our abuse. It is part of the difficulty, pain and struggle of damage and recovery.

    I realise it might sound absurdly optimistic, unrealistic or even patronising to suggest that recovery is possible. Sorry if so but not intended that way. I am a firm advocate and believer in facing the true horror and truth and not trying to see every cloud as having silver linings. Abuse is pain and damage and some of it cannot be recovered from. It’s just sh+t. But some recovery can be achieved I think (or hope!). In my case I have found that little or no recovery is possible until I face and “own” the truth of my pain and damage even though I might not ultimately be responsible for that pain and damage.

    I did not come here to discuss rape. I came onto this website seeking some advice/support/encouragement in relation to a substance addiction that I have which is not related to rape. However, I saw this thread and thought I’d throw my experience in here as it caught my eye and is important. Female rape of men seems to be rarely discussed and acknowledged. From my own experience of currently trying to recover from a catastrophically destructive alcohol addiction which has at times included other drug abuse (from which I am now free), I empathise with the struggle of recovery and those suffering. In my case my substance addictions are at least to some extent self-inflicted which is unlike the stories of male rape I have come across here. – actually that is not fully accurate: I think many if not all addictions are in some way a maladaptive response to suffering and/or trauma and so to that extent are not fully self-inflicited but that is by-the-by and perhaps debatable.

    Anyway for what it is worth, I’ll tell my story of rape, just as you have been brave enough to do so. It is perhaps atypical of the examples here but true. What does typical mean anyway? In my case I think it might be atypical in that I suffered no significant ongoing psychological and emotional damage and in that I was fortunate: I assure you it is not a case of me being “stronger” or “better” – I was somewhat lucky. But that I was not damaged does not mean that I was not raped. I was.

    The night before my 21st birthday I went out to a formal dinner and entertainment event. During and after dinner I became extremely drunk. Catastrophically drunk. The memories of that part of the night came back only in scattered glimpses; trying to pick fights (which I had never done before or since) with the bouncers who had expelled from the event; the bouncers laughing as I could hardly stand up as I challenged them; Falling over repeatedly; Crashing into bushes or walls or my face into concrete or the road; incapacity to walk; Being supported by two friends who took me to a University Hall of Residence; Being abandoned by them there as one of them stupidly set off the fire alarms; So drunk I could not escape the building and an inevitable fine; somehow I got out but not before ripping my long trench coat into three pieces as it was trapped in a door and I thought it was someone trying to catch me.

    I was deposited in the entrance hall of the shared house in which I lived. I have no memory of this. My male flatmates later told me that they were woken at 2am by a man who had carried me over his shoulders and had the decency to knock the door and wake them up. To this day I have no idea who it was – no-one recognised him. I don’t think he was even a student at the university I attended. My two male housemates carried me unconscious to my room and put me on my bed fully clothed.

    The next morning I woke alone and covered in cuts and bruises. My suit and the remains of my overcoat were ripped, covered in mud and strewn on the floor. I was naked and in my bed. My hangover was so bad that actually I felt no pain at all as I think my nerves must have been numb. But my penis felt painful. I looked at it: it was completely red raw, almost bleeding in parts. “Falling and cutting my head is one thing but how the hell do you fall on a penis and do that?” I thought.

    I noticed that the watch of our female flatmate “Jill” was on the shelf beside my bed. “That’s funny”, I thought, “what on earth is that doing there?” Soon my three flatmates came in and wished me happy birthday. Jill had brought me a cup of tea. She returned alone later with some milk for my tea.

    As she went to leave my room I asked, “Jill, why is your watch next to my bed?”
    “I came downstairs last night and ++++++ed you. But I got bored as you wouldn’t climax”. With that she left the room.

    I was stupefied. I lay there in disbelief and then gradually some parts of the rape came back to me. I decided that I wasn’t going to change my plans for the day. Besides, I needed time to think.

    It took me a few days to process my thoughts, memories and feelings. I discussed and checked things with one of my male flatmates – had I gone upstairs to Jill’s room, was I staggering about or pestering her? – “NO: you were completely zonked out on your bed. You were paralytically drunk. You were actually unconscious and we were a little concerned”.

    Once I had the story and my feelings as clear as I could I confronted Jill a few days later – I had deliberately avoided her for until then. I questioned her. What had she done? She couldn’t understand the problem. But believe me, by the time I’d finished with her she did. She became somewhat remorseful and was crying. I was furious with her. Boilingly angry. She couldn’t even see the problem!! Eventually everyone in the house knew – loud voices and her crying. The other men later told me they thought she should be kicked out of the flat because they didn’t want to continue living with her. They were actually even angrier than I was.

    Was it rape? Of course it was. Had it been the other way around and I had done that to Jill or another woman, would she have thought that was a rape or would that have been classified as rape by others? Yes. – it was actually that framing which finally got her to see and understand that was what she had done and that she had violated me and the abusive seriousness of the situation. There was no history of amorous or sexual relationship between us. I had never made a single sign or advance that I may have been sexually interested in her (I wasn’t). She, I eventually worked out, had on the other hand always wanted to “jump my bones”. So when I was essentially unconscious, she did.

    If I had raped her under similar circumstances would the authorities have believed her and possibly prosecuted me? I would hope so. I have no doubt that no-one would have taken me seriously had I suggested that what had happened to me was rape. I was young and strong. A sportsman. And after all – I had obviously had an erection. It must mean I was enjoying it right? No. And there is similar evidence when it comes to the rape of women – feelings of shame and confusion as these poor women cannot understand how it was they that became aroused during the rape to the point that some actually orgasm. (I know it sounds improbable and I don’t understand it either: quite how I managed an erection on so much alcohol is beyond me).

    I survived. An older psychologist friend of mine whom I consulted thought I handled it without ongoing damage as I happened to have a particularly (in his view) strong and secure sense of my masculine male identity and was very secure in my sexual identity due to the particularities of my upbringing.

    My story is not the horror that many of you have endured. I was not deeply damaged but could have been. If the same had happened to a different man, it might have destroyed him, no fault of his own. I was violated and abused. I was taken advantage of. So what if I was drunk? That is not consent. No different to a woman being coerced by power or drink or date rape drugs or male physical power. I coped and adjusted almost immediately (and I am not in denial about that). But it was female on male rape nonetheless.

    I am sorry if I have gone on too long. I just wanted to share my solidarity with those of you who are suffering and acknowledge that female rape of men is real. I believe your stories and I feel empathy for you. Good luck.

    I share my story as I continue to deal with my own particular focus and challenge. For me it is the damage and trauma and that is my addiction to alcohol – I know how important it is to be heard and supported in recovery, whether it is rape or drugs. Due to where I live and other circumstances, there is very little support for me physically so I come online to find communities of recovery: I find it is better than nothing and trying to recover alone I have found impossible. I shall never fully recover from the damage of alcohol, I cannot undo the damage and pain I have caused to others and my life is (in relative terms) an unnecessary catastrophe but I hope I will never surrender or give up trying to recover. It is true that sometimes/many times I have almost given up and on a number of occasions have felt like committing a slow act of suicide by drinking myself to death. But I shall not, I think. But I cannot do it alone.

    Good luck.

    Ossa.

    Reply
    • October 19, 2017 at 5:24 pm

      Rape is rarely believed, regardless of the sex of the victim (or the age); women are accused of being whores who deserved it, asked for it, or lied out of spite. Same with lesser offenses, such as sexual harassment – you open yourself up to being accused of being a liar, a life ruiner, etc. if you speak out; it’s easier to just keep quiet and switch jobs (I have done that).

      Reply
  • October 19, 2017 at 2:58 am

    I’m a female survivor of sexual abuse from adolescent age. I commend all who have expressed their experiences here, it starts with talking about it. I read a book by Louise Hays “to heal your life” it really helped me gain self worth, self confidence, and coping skills.

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  • October 19, 2017 at 5:20 pm

    I just wanted to post a resource – it’s for all survivors of sexual abuse (male and female), and it’s free and anonymous: Survivors of Anonymous, based on the 12 steps. See: http://www.siawso.org/

    Reply
  • October 19, 2017 at 7:25 pm

    I was raped by my best friends mother when I was 15. I was drinking alcohol at their house and I went and passed out in a bedroom. I awoke to her on top of me, I had an erection and when she saw the fear in my eyes she said I was allowed to enjoy it. Many of the issues that the other commenters spoke of are also a reality in my life. Anger, fear, lack of happiness, fear of sex, fear of loss of control, memory issues…..

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  • October 21, 2017 at 11:45 am

    I’m extremely sorry to hear of your husband’s experience, and of your own. It’s a very difficult thing with which to deal. Your first instincts—avoiding blame; not taking the non-disclosure (something that spouses of both sexes often see as a betrayal) as a lack of trust in you; just listening to what he had to say—were excellent ones.

    However, speaking as a man who has been raped (in adulthood), I’m a little concerned about one of your husband’s coping strategies: the pornography use. I’m not here to point fingers. But just as reliance on booze or drugs is not a reliable or safe way of dealing with sexual trauma, this isn’t either. I don’t see it as being good for him, your marriage, or you.

    If you’re both still in Cardiff, I’d urge him to get in contact with Survivors UK, an organisation for male victims of sexual violence: its website is http://survivorsuk.org He’ll find support and good counsel there, from guys who have been through it themselves.

    Two booklets, at http://www.victimsservices.justice.nsw.gov.au/sexualassault/Documents/guide_when-a-man-is-raped.pdf and http://rapecrisis.org.uk/userfiles/PDFs/WYSurvivorsSelfHelpGuide4Males.pdf, provide a lot of useful advice for men in this position. Part II of the first is addressed to you, so it may be helpful for you to read it as well.

    Best of luck.

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  • October 21, 2017 at 11:52 am

    The day of my high school graduation my mother tried to get me to take out my penis (for what ultimate purpose I don’t know but I assume it was to have sex with me). From that day till now she has acted in sexual ways toward me mostly involving exposing herself.

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  • October 21, 2017 at 7:04 pm

    It sounds like for your husband, the idea that he “lost his virginity” at age four was something of a relief, or made sense to him. I did just want to add that for some people, they find comfort in the opposite.

    A woman that I knew was the victim of rape from a young age. However, when she married her husband at age 23, she felt that it was important to conceptualize that she WAS a virgin– that is, her husband was the first person she had ever chosen to have sex with. She was a religious person, and the idea of “saving herself for marriage” was important to her. I know it is is just a matter of word choice, but I wanted to mention that to anyone who prefers to think about it that way: If you prefer to think of “virginity” as something that relates to the choices YOU made, that’s a totally reasonable way to think about it, too.

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  • October 23, 2017 at 1:34 pm

    When I was 5, I used to idolize the kids in my neighborhood getting on the huge bus and going to school every day. So, I would go to the bus stop every so often and see them off. My mother was usually busy with household things and didn’t watch me 24/7. So, I would sneakily slip away to go watch the kids go to school.

    One day, I was told by the other kids that this girl in the neighborhood (a teen named JoAnn) wanted to see me at her house. So, I went up the hill. She invited me into her basement where she took advantage of me and taught me about things a 5 yr old never should know. Since then, I was far more interested in sex than most other kids. I would sneak to stores and look at x-rated magazines while the shopkeepers weren’t looking. It was an obsession!

    I was completely changed by what happened to me. I should NEVER have known about that stuff at that age and been allowed to grow up as a normal boy doing normal boy things. But, that wasn’t to be. My point in telling this is to show that it DOES happen to us! It’s made me very distrustful of women and has ruined just about every relationship I was in – including my marriage. I also have grandchildren that I will never meet because the animosity was so strong between my ex-wife and I that she turned my own kids against me by brainwashing them.

    I only have a couple years left to live (at the MOST) now that I have been diagnosed as terminally ill. I will die never knowing my grandchildren. And it ALL stems from what happened to me as a boy. I have forgiven my abuser – though not to her face since she has a family of her own now and maybe outgrew her issues. I didn’t go to the authorities because this happened back in the height of the “Womens Lib” movement back in the early 70’s. Men couldn’t be victims according to the feminists. Supposedly, we’re still ignored as victims now. It is pretty sad that some people have created a cottage industry out of the battle of the sexes. It hurts us ALL – both men AND women!

    Reply
    • October 23, 2017 at 7:39 pm

      Anon, So very sorry to hear of your experience. I hope some kind of reconciliation with your grandchildren can happen.

      Best,

      JEM

      Reply
      • October 24, 2017 at 7:32 pm

        Thank you for the reply, Jem.

        There will not be any reconciliation. The brainwashing of my kids was very strong. So, I’ve accepted it. Perhaps, if there is a next life, I can make better choices in that.

        Reply
  • October 24, 2017 at 12:49 am

    I was sexually abused by a female doctor when I was four years old. I can’t even remember the doctor’s name, or the hospital, although I suspect it might have been an mental institute for children that was closed, and then demolished a few years ago. If I was sent to said institution, possible for learning or behavioral disorder assessments, which I suspect I may have been, then no one in my family is telling me. None-the-less, the memory of the assault is as clear in my mind, now, as it was twenty years ago. For the longest time, I thought that the images that were replaying in my head were something I had imagined or dreamed. The only thing is, is the clarity with which the imagery remained in my memory, however devoid of emotional continue they were, and still are. I can remember the colour of the walls, colour of the examination table, the hallway outside. Everything except how I felt. And that’s how the memory has stayed with me. But I never believed my own memories, because my mother taught me that I was too learning disability for me to be able to trust my own thoughts and memories. My mother subjected me to Münchhausen syndrome via proxy, she imagined that I was severely dyslexic, and had crippling ADHD, and used this fictitious LD to convince everyone, including myself, that I was to intellectually challenged to be taken seriously. It amounted intellectual abuse, and it has led to me suffering from depersonalization disorder. As a result, I feel completely detached from many of memories, and god only knows how many memories I’ve managed to suppressed from my consciousness in the belief that I couldn’t trust them. Not only was I sexually abused by a female health care worker, but I was also physically and emotionally abused by my 4th grade Catholic school teacher, who was also female. So there were at least three women in my childhood who completely violated my trust in them. This all happened during a time when most of the women who would look after my friends and I had no qualms about trash talking men in our presence, especially when ther boys were around. The battle of the sexes was really trendy at the time (late 80’s and early 90’s) and so I think a lot of these women thought that talking about what a bunch of pigs they all thought men were, while groups of young boys were within ear shot, would be a really effective strategy at dismantling the patriarchy. One of these women was my mom, and she would continuous trash talk my father, so much sio that she brainwashed me into thinking he was an abuser. Now that I’m older, I’ve realized that she was the abusive one. She was also a man hater, as was my 4th grade teacher who abused me. I can’t help but think that all these women, including the one who raped me, did so in order to exact retribution, in the belief that victimizing me would help to dismantle the patriarchy, or whatever. My 4th grade teacher actually invited all the girls in the classroom out to play soccer, and told the boys that they had to stay in the classroom, because she just wanted to play a game of soccer with her girls. Her implied message was clear, and that is that she believed all men were pigs, and that boys were just grown men in miniature, and that she just wanted a break from all these horrible man-boys. I’ve had numerous other experiences like this with women. I have no idea where anyone gets the idea that women are not as toxic or abusive as men. I’ve been shut down every time I’ve tried to tell my stories of abuse by people quoting ancient and extremely questionable and biased statistic at me, in attempt to convince me that my experience of abuse is not as bad as I think it is because women supposedly have it worse. I am really quite sick of being dismissed by people who claim that my experience of sexual abuse is not as severe, or important as someone else’s, simply because I’m a man. If female survivors have a community of supported, a forum and discussion within which they can be heard, then why not men? I’m tired of being dismissed. I’m tired of being dismissed when I try to tell people that I’ve been dismissed. If men are going to speak up and start talking more, then one thing is going to have to change in the discussion on sexual violence, and that’s that the voices of male survivors must be given as much weight as the female ones. We are all survivors, we’ve all been marginalized, and ass so long as we perpetuate divisiveness in this discourse, then nothing is going to change. Male survivors are a marginalized group, we need to be recognized as such. And the people who currently dominate the discourse on sexual violence or going to have to completely accept us as survivors in this discussion. Judging some survivors abuse as being less important then others is a disservice to all survivors. The authors article is taking this discussion in the right direction.

    Reply
  • November 3, 2017 at 1:28 pm

    Hi there! I could have sworn I’ve been to this blog before but after checking through some of the post I realized it’s new to me. Nonetheless, I’m definitely happy I found it and I’ll be bookmarking and checking back frequently!

    Reply
  • August 20, 2019 at 9:38 pm

    I can remember a number of occasions as a kid where there was sex play usually between us kids in the neighborhood usually with boys but sometimes with a girl. Stuff like genital touching. Don’t remember any orgasms though. If anything I felt it was just a part of a kids growing up. One I still remember not that it bothered me just that it was weird-my mom said it was nap time. I must have been no more than 3. So I laid down on the bed and she got in with me, not on top of me, after taking off all her clothes. I think that’s all it was. Didn’t bother me like I said. Just strange to see your mom naked. You don’t want to hear this but I just feel if I got raped by a woman I’d probably like it. Unless she was really fat and ugly in which case I’d fight her off. Some guys are more girly than manly so it bothers them. Not condemning them-just an observation and life is like that.

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