It is unfortunate that this final blog posting for Full Heart, Empty Arms should end on such a sad note. But the suicide of rape survivor Daisy Coleman on August 4th, 2020 ties together the two subjects that have given me the passion to write Full Heart since 2017: abuse and infertility. I only hope that I’ve been able to reach many people with messages of hope in a way no one was able to reach Daisy.
In Wales we say, ‘Benthyg dros amser byr yw popeth a geir yn y byd hwn’. Roughly translated into English, that means ‘Everything you have in this world is just borrowed for a short time’. That’s true of this blog. For three years, it’s the Daisy Coleman’s of the world that I’ve tried to extend my hands to by writing about unspeakable topics. The subjects that don’t get talked about nearly enough.
- Female-on-male rape
- Paedophilia in religious institutions
- Sex Ed
- Parental Alienation
…just to name a few.
My husband, Rhys, had never spoken to another living soul, not even me, about the multiple times he was raped as a tiny boy by an older, stronger, dominant female family member in a position of authority and trust. Telling his story for the first time in over forty years shattered a wall of silence inside him and he sobbed uncontrollably. Breaking the silence changed Rhys as a man for the better. He was excited to have me tell his story. He welcomed it after so many years of fear, agony and silence.
He began to speak frequently and openly to me about the rape. Female-on-male rape isn’t commonly spoken about and believed even less. The inevitable macho joke of ‘I wish it would happen to me’ are as insensitive as they are inappropriate. Rape is just as traumatic for a male as it is for a female.
I hope Rhys’ courageous telling of his story validated other men to face the reality of their rape by women so they may ultimately find healing and peace.
For the women who love them, I hope it brings clarity and the understanding that your man’s pornography use has nothing to do with you, just as Rhys’ porn use does not mean in any way that I’m deficient as a female.
But I feel this topic is incomplete. Society makes much about sex being consensual from the female perspective. Yet in movie after movie I see women jump onto a man and aggressively initiate sex with him without so much as a how d’ you do, the assumption being that men are wankers who always want it, with anyone. This leads me to wonder: Is female-on-male rape more common than we realise?
I’ll always be grateful for Full Heart as it gave me a much needed outlet for the stress my step-children caused in my life.
If I had to choose one word to describe my step-family it would be incest. Everyone, down through each generation, was sleeping with everyone else or talking provocatively about their sex organs to family members of the opposite sex. I was shocked. Horrified. Disgusted.
Meanwhile, Rhys and I were quietly struggling with the pain of infertility.
Infertility was the original topic I chose when I contacted Psych Central in the hopes of becoming a blogger for the site. I was in emotional agony, being eaten alive by my baby fever, longing for a child to fill my empty arms.
I have to thank my step-children for curing me. They were antidote to my baby fever not by becoming my children but by horrifying me by how badly children can turn out. What I witnessed and experienced as a step-mother cooled my desire for a child permanently.
Aspergers. Now there’s a topic that can be volatile. But my heart jumped with joy when people with Aspergers Syndrome posted comments on my blog postings like, ‘Oh, so that’s why neurotypicals act that way. I finally understand why NTs never actually say what they mean’.
We think we are, but through the clarity of Aspergers eyes, I guess we really aren’t.
If I’ve helped in any small way to help bridge the gap of misunderstanding between neurotypicals and Aspies, then I’m glad but not satisfied. More work is needed so that Aspies and the neurotypicals who love them can continue to love and live together in understanding and peace.
Perhaps the greatest honour I found through writing Full Heart has been my association with the site, Where Are You Dad, founded by an alienated father, Anton Hooton. Soon the site morphed from one intended for fathers, to the inclusive site, Parents’ Missing Their Kids, where parents of all genders can reach out to their alienated children.
Anton’s site filled a real need, a vacuum. When I first saw the site, maybe ten father were listed. Since then, it has exploded which is good, even while the magnitude of the cases of Parental Alienation are horrifying.
Anton’s vision created a central website for alienated parents on all continents to reach out to their children with messages of love and their contact information. If a mother reads my blog posting about the site and eventually is once more able to gather her children in her arms or if a father is once more able to tuck his children up for the night, then I can smile and feel that my work at Full Heart is done.
It’s been an honour and a privilege to write this blog for you. I want to thank Dr. John Grohol and all the staff at Psych Central for the pleasure of writing this blog for them and with them.
I would be remiss not to thank my husband, Rhys Blonwyn, for all the topics he suggested, all the stories he allowed me to share and his unending love and encouragement. Your children also provided endless inspiration.
But most of all, I want to thank all of you who took the time out of your busy lives to read Full Heart, Empty Arms. If my writing has made your life better in some small way, then my life has not been in vain. Most importantly, don’t ever give up. Not matter how difficult life becomes, don’t you dare ever give up!
Thank you. Pôb bendith.