advertisement
Home » Blogs » Full Heart, Empty Arms » Porn Sex Ed? No. Here’s Real Sex Ed, Ladies!

Porn Sex Ed? No. Here’s Real Sex Ed, Ladies!

I shudder to think of young women across this nation putting on pornstar worthy performances in bed because they think that’s how sex must be. Or they’ve somehow failed if they don’t pretzel themselves into five different positions, do oral, so anal and scream ‘Oh yes, f*ck me’ with every thrust.

Please. Spare me the drama because that’s all it is. It’s not real sex.

You want to know what real sex is like, girls?In my experience it’s not ‘Oh, oh, oh, fuck me, fuck me’, it’s more like, ‘Ow, ow, ow, slowly, gently. Oh that’s quite nice. Keep doing that’.

But you’ll never learn that if you’re using porn to learn about sex. No busy woman of my acquaintance can live up to the voracious, aggressive sexual appetites demonstrated by female porn stars. They’re giving a great performance and also sadly misleading young men and women.

For starters, no one tells you how hard it may be that first time. Some women have no difficulty in being deflowered. Me? I tore, I screamed, I bled. And that was with a very nice gentleman who lived up to the name in every way. He was loving, gentle and endlessly patient.

I hope my experience is unusual. There may have been some scar tissue there from abuse that made it unusually difficult to lose my virginity. But, like other women with vaginismus, I was chuffed just to be able to do the deed.

But if I thought having sex would make me feel grown-up, I couldn’t have been more wrong. It didn’t make me feel grown-up at all. I felt exactly the same after my first time as I felt before my first time. I just knew what sex was like now. That was all. My self-esteem certainly didn’t soar.

It’s been many years since I lost my virginity, but I still get nervous every time Rhys puts the moves on. I’m scared it’ll hurt. And it does hurt, a little, every time at the beginning regardless of how much foreplay there is, regardless of arousal and plenty of lube. I still stiffen up, have some anxiety. Rhys laughs because my eyes are as big as saucers.

Every loving couple who’ve been together will tell you that sex isn’t an acrobatic performance as portrayed on porn. Old couples will tell you it’s about ‘doing the nasty’ without getting hurt. Mostly, it’s about finding what works for both of you and sticking with it, spiced up with some creativity if desired. It’s about connecting as two people through that most intimate act. It should be about love.

It’s not about performing or consenting to an act that makes you secretly cringe. If you don’t like giving oral sex, then don’t consent to it nor expect it in return. Personally, I’d rather die. The thought brings waves of nausea.

Most of all, Ladies, please realise that that annoying monolog of ‘Oh, oh, oh, fuck me, fuck me’ is the most misleading part of any porn video. Her behaviour seems calculated to indicate that every thrust is ecstasy or possibly that she’s orgasming constantly at every thrust for the entire length of the show.

What a lie! Not only is that behaviour by female porn stars holding women up to an impossible standard but it’s also misleading men. So this the truth.

Every thrust is not ecstasy and we are not orgasming constantly.

My experience is that, when penetration begins, the thrusting is uncomfortable at best, painful at worst. Unlike men who apparently enjoy every thrust, we ladies may not, particularly at the beginning of intercourse.

It’s just feels to me like… in, out, in, out. Nothing more.

As it goes on, arousal slowly builds until yes, the thrusting becomes enjoyable especially if it hits the G-spot just right. If the clitoris also receives some action at the same time, now we’re getting somewhere!

It doesn’t have to go deep, Gentlemen. This obsession with length is ridiculous. I don’t know any lady who enjoys having her cervix hammered.

It doesn’t have to go fast either. That can actually impede blood flow and decrease arousal. So men, relax. Stop trying so hard! It’s not a competition. You don’t have to pound us into oblivion!

When orgasm does occur, it’s usually not without some effort on our part, Ladies. It’s unreasonable to expect men to do the whole job and then attack them when our orgasm remains elusive. They can’t feel what’s occurring in our bodies. It may be something as simple as the current state of our hormones that prevent an orgasm.

In my experience, the best thing you can do, Ladies, is to shut out the rest of the world and only think about how your body feels. Secondly, learn to use your pelvic muscles to push blood flow to the pelvis. It can only be experienced, not put into words.

But when we do orgasm!? It may not look anything like the fake orgasms on porn. No screaming. Just a slight gasp, perhaps an arching of the back, eyes wide shut. You might want him to stop thrusting for a moment so the magic isn’t sabotaged. It sounds anti-climactic but it’s certainly not.

Gentlemen, are you wondering how to tell if your lady is faking her orgasms or not. Screaming, drama, lots of theatrics. That’s your clue that she may be faking it. Perhaps both of you are simply trying too hard. You’re performing; you’re not making love.

This is the blog I wish I’d read when I was wondering what sex was all about. I hope it will help other young women enjoy their sexuality without aping the porn stores. That isn’t sex. It’s a performance and it’s certainly not making love.

Porn Sex Ed? No. Here’s Real Sex Ed, Ladies!


Ivy Blonwyn

Ivy Blonwyn is a Welsh freelance writer and photographer. She and her husband have been trying, unsuccessfully, to start a family for several years. Ivy can relate to the pain, confusion, jealousy and sense of injustice that accompanies infertility. But she also knows the pain of being a step-mother to children who’s vindictive birth mother has systematically employed Parental Alienation to distance them from their birth-father, Ivy’s husband, Rhys. Her articles, often illustrated with her photos, are intended to validate and comfort those who suffer from infertility, Parental Alienation and the pain of sexual abuse. She finds solace in indulging her passion for plein air photography during long tramps with her husband through the fields, hills and castles of Cardiff. Follow Ivy on Facebook at www.facebook.com/fullheartemptyarms or contact her at ivyblonwyn@gmail.com.


No comments yet... View Comments / Leave a Comment

 

 

APA Reference
Blonwyn, I. (2019). Porn Sex Ed? No. Here’s Real Sex Ed, Ladies!. Psych Central. Retrieved on June 19, 2019, from https://blogs.psychcentral.com/full-heart/2019/04/porn-sex-ed-no-heres-real-sex-ed-ladies/

 

Last updated: 29 Apr 2019
Statement of review: Psych Central does not review the content that appears in our blog network (blogs.psychcentral.com) prior to publication. All opinions expressed herein are exclusively those of the author alone, and do not reflect the views of the editorial staff or management of Psych Central. Published on PsychCentral.com. All rights reserved.