advertisement
Home » Blogs » Full Heart, Empty Arms » My Husband, His Porn and How I Cope

My Husband, His Porn and How I Cope

My husband was raped. Repeatedly. By a woman. That may be why he finds safety in the sexual solitude of pornography.

For many women, their husband viewing pornography is tantamount to adultery. Cyber adultery. We women automatically assume our husband is vicariously having sex with the babe on the screen, whether he’s actually masturbating or not. Pornography has been a factor in countless marriages ending in the divorce courts.

When I first learned from Rhys’ own lips that he viewed pornography from time to time, I was devastated. ‘I’m not enough of a woman to turn him on,’ I concluded. The magic has gone out of our relationship. He prefers the skanky, breast-augmented, tattooed, skinny, bouncing sex workers on the screen to his real, warm wife.

I couldn’t have been more wrong.

For Rhys, porn is his happy place. It was his only pleasure growing up in a very abusive home. Sexual expression through porn was safe after being raped.

It had nothing to do with me as a woman, as a wife, as a sexual partner. Nothing to do with my performance in bed. Nothing to do with my body.

When Rhys is unhappy, when things aren’t going well, when life overwhelms him, he turns voyeur. ‘It resets my brain,’ he told me. ‘Viewing others doing the deed is extreme. It’s shocking. It clears my mind of all stressors.’

I understand that. When life overwhelms me, I find myself binge watching EastEnders or Sex and the City. It clears my mind, relieves the stress. That’s my ‘porn’.

How many men use pornography for that reason but are unable to articulate it to their wife or girlfriend? How many relationships have splintered because the women simply did not understand? How many marriages have faltered because we, as women, naturally take our man’s pornography use personally?

‘Do you want to have sex with the woman on your screen?’ I asked Rhys. ‘Hell no!’ he replied. ‘She’s a…’ Well, I won’t write the word he said. It wasn’t nice. My heart goes out to the women, sexually abused as children all, who gravitate to the sex industry. It harms them emotionally, spiritually and physically whether they choose to admit it or not. This explains why dissociation, drug use and alcohol are rampant. No one can perform in pornography stone cold sober.

While I’m not thrilled that Rhys enjoys watching other women’s naked breasts bouncing as they have sex, I cope by remembering the old adage ‘What the eye doesn’t see, the heart doesn’t grieve.’

So I leave the room. Porn grosses me out. Watching others have sex isn’t one of my turn-ons. Rather than make a scene, I retire to the bedroom, light a few candles and seek forgetfulness in the pages of a good book.

When his mind has cleared, when he feels mentally reset, Rhys comes looking for me, as devoted and loving as ever.

Sometimes I get lucky.

My Husband, His Porn and How I Cope

Ivy Blonwyn

Ivy Blonwyn is a Welsh freelance writer and photographer. She and her husband have been trying, unsuccessfully, to start a family for several years. Ivy can relate to the pain, confusion, jealousy and sense of injustice that accompanies infertility. But she also knows the pain of being a step-mother to children who’s vindictive birth mother has systematically employed Parental Alienation to distance them from their birth-father, Ivy’s husband, Rhys. Her articles, often illustrated with her photos, are intended to validate and comfort those who suffer from infertility, Parental Alienation and the pain of sexual abuse. She finds solace in indulging her passion for plein air photography during long tramps with her husband through the fields, hills and castles of Cardiff. Follow Ivy on Facebook at www.facebook.com/fullheartemptyarms or contact her at [email protected]


2 comments: View Comments / Leave a Comment

 

 

APA Reference
Blonwyn, I. (2018). My Husband, His Porn and How I Cope. Psych Central. Retrieved on October 21, 2018, from https://blogs.psychcentral.com/full-heart/2018/03/my-husband-his-porn-and-how-i-cope/

 

Last updated: 16 Mar 2018
Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 16 Mar 2018
Published on PsychCentral.com. All rights reserved.