[TRIGGER WARNING: Frank Sexuality] In Part 1, I talked about the mental health side of the female orgasm. How faking our orgasms hurts our relationships. And how the brain really is the biggest and most important sex organ. Now, let’s talk about some things hardly anyone talks about and counteract some of the nonsense we’ve learned from porn that is actually preventing us, Ladies, from the ecstasy of our orgasm.
Orgasms: How to Have Them
What NOT to do
Would you take a hacksaw to the Stradivarius Medici violin and expect to hear a Vivaldi concerto? Would you take a hammer to a Steinway and expect to hear Bach? Then why the hell are women beating the shit out of their clitoris on porn videos!?! It’s a Stradivarius, a Steinway, a delicate instrument capable of the finest nuances of feeling at the softest touch, the merest graze. Be good to it and it will be good to you. (That’s why nothing gets me further away from orgasming and out of the mood entirely than the trauma of a vibrator. But, if vibrators work for you, more power to you.)
What TO Do
An orgasm begins in the mind. If you’re not horny upstairs, you won’t be horny downstairs. And what gets us horny, Ladies? Feeling Sexy. Beautiful. Desired.
To desire the desiring of her beauty is the vanity of Lilith, but to desire the enjoying of her beauty is the obedience of Eve; and to both it is in the lover that the beloved tastes her own delightfulness.
Once your turned on upstairs, you’re halfway to orgasming already. And speaking of the mind, let’s talk about porn — honestly. We’re not wired the same way as the men. Traditional wisdom has it that men are more visually turned on, while women are more turned on by words, massage, affection. We may be liberated, but it’s still true. Why deny it!? Nothing puts me off and makes me more frigid than porn. Watching a guy bang the shit out of some poor woman, her face grimaced in pain even as she shrieks ‘fuck me, fuck me, fuck me’ is enough to make me put on granny pants and go do the washing up.
Speaking of banging, non-stop hard banging at high-speed will never get her off. Out of all the porn I’ve seen, most of it over my husband’s shoulder, there was only one video where the woman honestly orgasmed. Suddenly, she yelled ‘stop, stop’ and got very quiet. No dramatics, no screaming, just a gasp or two.
That’s right. The male performer had to stop for her to orgasm.
Because too much motion will prevent the essential blood from flooding the genitals, triggering orgasm.
And speaking of motion, here’s something you will almost never hear: it’s the left side the clitoris that works the best. Yeah, no one talks about that. A nice easy stroke, a slide does the trick. There’s absolutely no need for the theatrics one sees on so much porn. The poor little thing being slapped, hit, beaten, vibtrated — and then women wonder why nothing happens. It’s a Stradivarious, ladies. Treat it with respect.
Let’s not forget the ‘other’ clitoris: your G-spot. I like to think of them as two ends of the same organ. The ‘elusive’ G-spot is located at the top of the vagina about 2″ inside. Well, actually, it’s not very elusive, easy to find and easier to stimulate. All you need is the right sexual position, preferably one where both the clitoris and G-spot are stimulated simultaneously during sexual intercourse. Then get ready, Ladies!
Take A Beat
In music, the rests are just as important as the notes. Orgasming is the same way. Unfortunately, porn has glorified non-stop jack hammer banging, again, a sure-fire way to make sure she doesn’t orgasm.
You’ve got to pause to allow the blood to flow into your erogenous zones. That can’t happen if they’re being jostled constantly. So take a beat. Pause. Let him catch his breath (he’ll last longer if he paces himself, anyways) and let that blood flow. Better yet, help it along. Learn to use your muscles to push blood into that area. You may need to close your legs a bit to do this (which may trigger a small orgasm leading up to The Big Mama orgasm later on).
This blood pushing can’t be described, but you’ll know it when you feel it. You may not be able to do this if you’re standing on your head doing the splits or have his head down there, so forget all those Cirque du Soleil sex positions and try something a little less adventurous that actually works for you. It’s not a performance; it’s an experience.
And He’s Off
It happens to the very best of men, the very best lovers: they get off before us. It’s just how they’re wired. But that doesn’t mean we’re high and dry ladies. Once he catches his breath (and wakes up), then it’s our turn. Teach him what to do and how to do it. As it turns out, men get rather a “high” out of getting us to climax and it just might turn him on all over again.
But sometimes, despite everyone’s best efforts, you just can’t orgasm. The hormones flowing just before menstruation can make orgasm nearly impossible even if you’re doing everything that usually works for you. And that’s okay. There’ll be another day, another love-making session or yes, even a solo session. Don’t blame yourself or him if you can’t get off.
Try it again another day when the hormone balance shits in your favor again, using some of the techniques I’ve detailed here.
As Christmas approaches, I wish all of you Ladies health, happiness and a lifetime of awesome (even multiple!) orgasms!