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The Female Orgasm and our Mental Health (Part 1 of 2)

[TRIGGER WARNING: Frank Sexuality] When Tracy Cox of the DailyMail wrote that one-third of British women are still waiting for their first orgasm, I was horrified! That’s one of the saddest statistics I’ve ever heard. Our orgasm is our birthright, ladies. Not only that, it’s a vital part of our mental health. Unfortunately, most of the advice out there on how to reach that elusive climax is pure, unadulterated bullshit. And using porn as a tutorial is even worse.

So let’s talk about orgasms — what they are, why they’re important and how to (and how not) to achieve climax.

Orgasms: What They’re Not

The Experience

Orgasms are not the end-all, be-all of life. They’re a few seconds of physical ecstasy, sometimes paired with love, romantic feelings of oneness with your partner and/or a sense of ‘everything is going to be okay’. They’re a rush of pleasure to your groin, an automatic spasming of your vagina.

But that’s all it is. It feels wonderful, but passes quickly. Then everything goes back to normal.

It doesn’t change your life, solve your problems or fix your relationship. It’s an experience, not a cure.

The Performance

Some years ago, I ran across an online quiz. It showed videos of women’s faces (and only their faces) during orgasm. The trick was to figure out which women were truly climaxing and which women were faking it.

I scored 9 out of 10 correct. Wanna know how? It’s easy.

The ones who threw their head back, screamed and made an ungodly racket were faking it.

The ones who became very quiet were actually orgasming.

That’s why I say that porn couldn’t be a worse guide or tutorial on the female orgasm. Whether it’s a masturbation video or actual sex, 99.99999% of female porn stars are faking it. The techniques they’re using are almost sure not to end in an orgasm. And the head-back, screaming ‘fuck me, fuck me, fuck me’ dramatics are just that. Drama. She’s not climaxing even once, let alone multiple times.

The Men

I hate it when women blame men for their inability to orgasm. Of course we won’t orgasm if he skips foreplay, prefers positions that make our orgasm impossible and gets off in less time than it takes Simon Cowell to diss an act on BGT, but then again, if he’s that selfish and unfeeling, why are you still with him?

Even with a talented and patient lover, you can’t lay back, do absolutely nothing, think about your career and expect to have a mind-blowing orgasm anyways. It usually doesn’t work that way. A little focus is required, because the brain truly is the biggest sex organ. A little self-knowledge is needed. A certain ‘bearing down’ in the groin to send the blood speeding into the right areas is required. But more on that later.

Orgasms: Why They’re Important


There’s no feeling quite like having sex end and realizing, ‘Oh! It was all about his orgasm. He got off and now it’s over. He’s not even gonna touch me again, let alone help me orgasm too. I was just a glorified, living, breathing sex doll to him.’ That’s when you curl up in a little ball and cry yourself to sleep. Or worse, fake it. Lie. And do your crying later in the shower, hoping he’ll never know. But if he doesn’t know, how can he ever get better in the sack? We do men a disservice by lying to them about our orgasms or lack thereof.

Well that ends — now, Ladies.

Yes, men are wired to cum quickly. Even the best lover will sometimes orgasm before us, before he even wants to. But that doesn’t mean all hope is lost. It doesn’t mean we can’t orgasm too. A loving man will stay in the game and help you get there, even if his penis has returned to flaccid.

Happy Horomones

Y’know how men always fall asleep right after climax and it pisses us off? Well, get ready to do the same thing.

Orgasm releases a flood of ‘feel good’ hormones into your body. Endorphins, dopamine, serotonin and oxytocin make you feel that yes! Everything will be okay, after all. It gives you an emotional glow of well-being. Then the prolactin hits and — snore! You’ll be out like a light. 


You may never get to visit the Eiffel Tower, float down the canals of Venice or take that dream holiday to Ibiza, but you can orgasm. It’s every woman’s birthright. The last frontier of human experience.

(That’s why FGM [Female Genital Mutilation] ranks just below the Holocaust, in my opinion, on the scale of evil. Yes, evil. It removes among other things, the clitoris. It’s my belief that the presence of the clitoris in female genitalia is a clear sign that God loves women and wants us to enjoy sex just as much [or possibly even more] than men. It serves no other purpose than our pleasure and, by any evolutionary model, should never have evolved. But there it is, ladies. A blessing that should never, ever be removed. And yet the practice of barbaric practice of FGM, often carried out by women on their fellow females, continues to this day — and must end!)

Orgasms: How to Have Them

In Part 2, we’ll discuss some specific, anatomical tips for how to encourage your body to orgasm. You may not find these tips and tricks anywhere else. Click here!

The Female Orgasm and our Mental Health (Part 1 of 2)

Ivy Blonwyn

Ivy Blonwyn is a Welsh freelance writer and photographer. She and her husband have been trying, unsuccessfully, to start a family for several years. Ivy can relate to the pain, confusion, jealousy and sense of injustice that accompanies infertility. But she also knows the pain of being a step-mother to children who’s vindictive birth mother has systematically employed Parental Alienation to distance them from their birth-father, Ivy’s husband, Rhys. Her articles, often illustrated with her photos, are intended to validate and comfort those who suffer from infertility, Parental Alienation and the pain of sexual abuse. She finds solace in indulging her passion for plein air photography during long tramps with her husband through the fields, hills and castles of Cardiff. Follow Ivy on Facebook at or contact her at [email protected]

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APA Reference
Blonwyn, I. (2017). The Female Orgasm and our Mental Health (Part 1 of 2). Psych Central. Retrieved on September 22, 2020, from


Last updated: 26 Nov 2017
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