Here's the oxymoron. The nicest people I know are the ones that never rebelled against their parents and they're full of rage and bitterness. Conversely, the most peaceful people of my acquaintance are the ones who rebelled against family expectations and followed their own star.
In theory, the mother/daughter relationship should be the best, most loving, longest lasting friendship of a woman's life. In the past two articles, we had a conversation regarding how a woman's relationship with her mother deeply affects her ability to have successful female friendships and why so many mother/daughter relationships founder. But what role does codependency play in a mother and her daughter's difficulty in maintaining a pleasant friendship with each other?
Last week, I postulated that a woman's relationship with her mother makes or breaks her ability to navigate female friendships successfully. This week we explore the potentially volatile topic: Should mothers and their adult daughters be friends? I've got an angle on this question that may put a new complexion on it.
Ladies, here's my premiss: your mother is your first female friend. That relationship informs every other relationship with other females that you will have in your lifetime. Your ability to bond in a healthy way with a female friend is determined by that initial mother/daughter relationship.
In an extraordinary move a fortnight ago, constables in Scotland arrested eleven women, assumed to be the nuns accused of abusing children in their care in the Smyllum orphanage, Lanarkshire, Scotland. This news brings fresh hope to the thousands children who grew up in orphanages worldwide, who still suffer from the abuse they bore and witnessed so many decades ago.
I'll never forget the day I realized my brothers, sister and I were merely footnotes to the real family comprised only of my mother and father. That we were outsiders. Strangers. Aliens. 'Red-headed step-children' within our own family. Electrons allowed to circulate at a safe distance, never to be part of the nucleus.
'For all sad words of tongue and pen, The saddest are these, "It might have been".' Those bitter words written by John Greenleaf Whittier always come to mind when I consider how much children affected by Parental Alienation are robbed of what is rightfully theirs. They grow up in unnecessary deprivation - emotionally, relationally, affectionately and sometimes even the most basic aspects of life, clothes, food, even hygiene.
Imagine: A teenage attendant mumbles 'Howareyatodaymate' while ringing up your petrol purchase. His question puzzles you. What is he really asking? Is his question objective and caring? Is it meaningless and uncaring? Should you take it at face value or does it convey some hidden, secret, deeper meaning? Should you respond 'Fine' even if you're not 'fine' or tell him the truth about your current well being? Or is 'Howareyatodaymate' merely one of those puzzling neurotypical social scripts that make no sense, because he simply doesn't care how you are and he's definitely not your mate. That's what it's like to be an Aspie adrift in a Neurotypical world. Puzzling, complex, nonsensical, scripted and frustrating.
The first date you have with a Victim of Parental Alienation, you automatically became a victim too. When you became their boyfriend, girlfriend, husband or wife, you clinched the deal, even though their children are not biologically yours.
The trauma may be a long time...
The trauma may be a long time...