“The future’s so bright, I gotta wear shades, I gotta wear shades” Patrick Lee Mac Donald
I am wildly optimistic about my future, but I have not a single good reason to be so, outside of God.
I was saddened this morning by the news that my Uncle Chester had passed away. I have nothing but good memories of my Uncle, though there aren’t too many of them. He was a nice person that I saw during the holidays. As life went on he faded out of my life. His death, which was expected, had more of an impact on me than I thought it would. Perhaps it is because Chester was the last one of my dad’s family to go. Truth is if it wasn’t for my wife’s needs I would have stayed in bed all day.
I aspire to be a professional writer. More than that a great writer, a legendary writer. A writer that one day children will have to read my books in school. Alas, I am getting no support. Outside of my mother’s cousin Florence. who says she bought all of my books, I have no champion of my work. My friends from high school, from college, and church haven’t stood up and supported me. Not with the zeal, I would have liked. But that’s okay, if I am to be successful I need to appeal well beyond my intimate circle.
For me, it all comes down to God and I must ask myself the legitimate question, “Do I really believe in God?” It goes well beyond the simplistic ‘yes’. I have studied the Bible for the past thirty years. I must have read the Bible over twenty times and the new testament over one hundred times. I have faith in the words of Jesus Christ. In my life, I was immersed in a culture of hatred as a youth. I have seen many manifestations of hatred. I categorically reject them all, in whatever guise they hide. Instead, I embrace the Love that I had seen demonstrated and taught by Jesus. I have seen enough to believe that Jesus is indeed the Son of God.
It is that hatred that is in the world that troubles me very much. The United States is not a Christian nation and it never was. Donald Trump is not a champion of the faith but rather a bully thug promoting a racist agenda. To me, the only saving grace he has at the moment is that he hasn’t started any new wars, as of yet. I am reminded that he still has ample time to do so. In fact, based on his own words, he might start a fascist crackdown on dissidents. To quote the president such a thing would be “bad, very bad.” It would in effect destroy every illusion of righteousness and decency that exists in these lands. Of course, that hatred goes well beyond the president. Take a walk in Manhattan and see how those who possess more than they possibly could ever dream of spending care nothing for those who have only the clothes they are wearing. Such things trouble me.
God is not my errand boy. Isreal was in slavery for 430 years in Egypt. That means people were born as slaves, lived their whole lives as slaves and died as slaves. Where was God then? He is in the same place He has always been, ruling the universe in ways we can understand. As much as I like to say that my success in writing or anything else is God’s will, I cannot be so arrogant to say so. Like Job, my life on Earth is for God’s pleasure and not mine.
But this I know without a doubt, that if God is with me, nobody can stand against me. I have served God faithfully for thirty years. I have been through many tribulations and troubles. But I can honestly say that I hold hatred toward none and any that have done me wrong I have forgiven. I seek only good things for myself and the human race. To me, those good things translate into the cessation of all wars, the eradication of poverty, and the transformation of the world into a just place. While these goals are lofty I attempt to bring them about by everyday acts of kindness and love. Which brings me back to the writings.
I started writing song lyrics and poetry when I first became mentally ill. I was committed to a psychiatric hospital and it was very troubling. In fact, it was life shaking. I hoped that my song lyrics would hit it big and make me a lot of money. I feared never being able to work a regular job. Also, the song lyrics and poetry were easy to write compared to stories and novels. Once I got married I began to write stories from my life. When I lost my job with the engineering company I began to write science fiction stories. I recall long hours in the library struggling to learn how to write. I moved on to writing novels. I have had just enough success to not make me quit.
About five years ago now my wife started to manifest her dementia. It was very hard times as she wandered away. She would leave and I would nervously await a phone call from her to pick her up. Her illness progressed to the point where she is now bed bound. All during that time I dedicated many hours to writing. I could not work a regular job as my wife’s needs demanded my full attention. It is my fantasy that because of my wife’s illness my writing would develop to the point where it would be a great success. Such a scenario would bring out something great out of something terrible.
My writing is an exploration of a unique existence. I have bared my heart and soul. I have also written some entertaining and thought-provoking works as well.
It is with great hope that I look once more to take up my creative work diligently. Unfortunately, I don’t know if I’ll even be able to go to my uncle’s funeral because of my wife’s illness. I want to write something in memory of his passing but words escape me.
Please support my writing. Here is a link to my Amazon Page. https://amzn.to/2BDQ210
These are the words I wrote for my dad’s passing
In Memory of My Dad
I have passed this way
My time was yesterday
I leave behind this world
Hoping better for you
Then that I received
I wish you love
What I believed
Is testified in my life
In all that I have done
I do not wish to be grieved
I only wish you love.