“The Lord shall fight for you, and ye shall hold your peace.” God
Sometimes the answer is not within us. When we have tried everything we can and still it is not sufficient. At those times it is up to God to show who He is.
I vividly recall the overwhelming trauma when I got out of the mental hospital for the first time. I had spent sixty days in the hospital, thirty in the involuntary ward and thirty in the voluntary. My psychiatrist was terrible to the point of being criminal. His visits in the hospital consisted of asking me if I was well. To which I always replied “Yes, can I get out now?’ To this, he replied, “not now”. I vividly recall my doctor refusing to shake my hand until I was discharged. He got paid a whole lot of money and did absolutely nothing. Later on, in my years when I went to a support group, I threw out the psychiatrist’s name. Everybody who knew who he was had negative things to say about him.
As such, I refused to see him as an outpatient. Why should I, he had done zero for me in the hospital. I didn’t want to stay at home so I wandered back to my fraternity house in Hoboken and then to a brother’s house from church. I shared a very small room with somebody else where our two beds took up the whole room. I would lie in my bed day and night thinking about how I could kill myself. But as time passed I got a little better. I think the first thing that helped me is that I picked up and started to read a couple of the books that were in the room. This got my mind off of my problems. The person I was staying with suggested I get a job, which I did. I got a job in a pizzeria and then started driving cabs. I was on the way to recovery but foolishly I stopped taking my meds, but that is another story.
The point is that in a seemingly hopeless situation I found that I could get on with my life. Perhaps I am severely damaged by my mental illness but I am also excessively blessed. The same thing that knocked me down also uplifted me. I am talking about learning compassion, gentleness, and humility. On the other hand is the stigma of mental illness and that dirty feeling associated with it.
The nation of Isreal was in slavery in the land of Egypt for 430 years. They were being oppressed and God heard their cries. He sent them a deliverer by the name of Moses. With a mighty hand, God showed ten plagues to Egypt humbling pharaoh. Isreal left Egypt on their way to the Promised Land. Pharaoh repented of letting Isreal go and sent an army after them. There by the edge of the Red Sea Isreal found themselves in an impossible situation. The army of Egypt was before them to destroy them and the Red Sea blocked all escape. Isreal cried out to God. We all know the story how the Red Sea divided and Isreal went on to safety while pharaoh’s army got drowned.
Today I am standing in an impossible situation. My wife has dementia and I am at the point where I can no longer care for her physically. She can barely walk and I half carry her to the shower. I would put her in a nursing home but we don’t have Medicaid. I certainly can’t afford the ten thousand dollars a month that the nursing home wants. But I have learned in the thirty years of Christianity to trust in the Lord. That in impossible situations that He can make a way. And so I am waiting on my miracle, and it needs to come very soon.
Of course, many people don’t believe in God. They would scoff at this essay and even mock my faith. In truth, I am putting God to the test. Not purposely but out of need. I need a miracle. I look back over my life and see all those things that God got me through. I see all the dangerous situations and times when I had no hope and I count them as lessons learned. Certainly, God is not my errand boy to do my bidding. But He has promised to take care of his own and I am counting on that promise. Stay tuned and please pray for me. Time tells all.
Here is a book of poetry I wrote called “Polishing The Fragments.” What does one do when God shatters their life? The polish the fragments. https://amzn.to/2NkxT06
Photos by Internet Archive Book Images,