79 thoughts on “Rejected and Abandoned By A Parent

  • August 8, 2009 at 12:39 pm

    And it doesn’t matter how old you are when a parent leaves, it still hurts and leaves a hole in your heart.

    I was 19 when my parents divorced and my father married his secretary. My younger sisters acted out – drugs, alcohol, getting pregnant – but I acted as a mature adult would (life happens and people fall in and out of love, etc.) – or so I thought at the time.

    Fast forward 35 years and here I am – living with major depression and in therapy. Growing up my father was more absent than present but after he remarried he became even more distant from his first family. It’s only recently that I’ve been able to acknowledge that fact and to realize that I’ve been stuffing down my anger and hurt which undoubtedly has been a major factor in my depression.

    Why am I sharing this? Maybe because if even one parent reads my story they’ll take more care in how they treat their children should they go through a similar situation.

    • January 28, 2013 at 10:37 pm

      Your father may be a low level sociopath – not just an abandoning father. People like that won’t see themselves in the description, even if it matches them word for word.

      It’s unfortunate. I grew up on welfare and my father lived in a upper-class neighborhood. (I never went there until I was 28) He had an adopted son who never knew about me until then. Years before that I asked him for help to get an education and get out of poverty. He said no.

      He visited me when I was a child and I told him things were bad (my mother had married a violent man.) He changed the subject. I saw him once a year growing up. Less when I was older. I was not to call him or come to his house.

      People like that will not recognize themselves in these descriptions. (Even if it’s actually them being described!) They have a fantasy of who they are and their life is all about fulfilling their fantasies and dreams at the expense of others.

      I wish I had been aborted.

      • July 30, 2014 at 8:10 pm

        I think we may have had the same dad, except without the annual visits. I think it hurts worse when they seem able to be a good parent; you see them with their other kids, because then it is really apparent that they are CHOOSING to not be a parent for you. I really need to harden my heart and get to the point where I don’t care. This wanting to be part of a family that is uncomfortable with me existing is a never ending nightmare. I can’t let this steal my happiness. Except, it is.

  • October 7, 2009 at 8:34 am

    And what if this happens when you’re 55? What if your mother decides she hates the man you married 6 years ago (who is a wonderful man), and if you don’t leave him, she’ll never again speak with you. She sends hateful, cursing letters, telling me I will burn in hell forever, i’m out of her will, and I’ve turned my back on my (grown) sons (NOT true). These letters are so full of venom, they make my heart pound with fear. The strangest thing about all this is that my sisters have changed in the way they behave toward me. they’ve been in my same position (in mom’s eyes) and I’ve supported them during their hard times, but i don’t feel that same support coming from them. it’s a sad, lonely, rejected feeling.

    • October 1, 2012 at 10:40 pm

      I am 44. My mother has disowned me and my 21 yr old daughter because she does not approve of my daughters fiance. He is a loser, but for my 80 yr old mom to disown me and her own grandchild is something i will never understand. Seems like shes always been quick to ,write me off, i miss my father being alive

      • October 8, 2012 at 8:49 am

        I hear your pain. I am 49 and for reasons relating to a family property, there has been a breakdown in communication with Mum, step-father and 2 sisters. They are estranged from me for 7 years. There is no closure when a child is rejected/ abandoned by family members without good reason. No fight, just noone talks. I’ve tried unsuccessfully and my daughter questions mum. All she says is how painful it is? They took me to court so who has a right to be angry? My 2 children suffer even though they see them.They cannot understand how a mother who was so close can do this. No therapy can heal me. My father( who has nothing to do with mum) was supportive but now he has issues and also abandon me after my husband and I gave so much to him. I don’t get it. I feel so sad for you and hope you can take time to heal.x

  • November 2, 2009 at 7:20 pm

    My x-husband abandoned our 2 children ages 14 and 11 for 4 1/2 years( March 2005 ) and started finally paying child support 18 months ago and just recently came back into their lives in August 2009 and now because he has more money and a bigger house than me he thinks and is trying to get full custody of my children… They don’t even know their father… I am in fear now that he will end up getting them after I have had to deal with their abandonment issues for years and I love them so much and they are my entire life… I don’t know what to do….

  • November 6, 2009 at 10:05 pm

    My story is similar to Chrissie’s. After my father died my mother did not allow me to have contact with my dad’s family. Then when I was 11 my mom’s father disowned when she married a man he did not approve of. My grandfather was a deacon in the church and claimed that marrying a divorced man was adultery and that he would rather lose her to cancer (2 of his daughters had already died) then have her burn in hell. Ten years later her father ‘forgave’ her. I did not meet my dad’s family until I was in my 30’s, which was after my mother died from cancer. I lost a lot time with my dad’s family and they turned out to be great people. I will never forgive my mother from keeping me from family that loved me when her family turned out to worse than anything I ever expected.

  • November 25, 2009 at 6:21 pm

    My husband has asked his attorney to file a petition asking for his parental rights to be terminated after a long and emotional roller coaster through the courts. His ex girlfriend has never allowed him to be in his daughters life and has alienated the child from him. I believe she has a lot of anger and resentment built up because he moved on with his life a long time ago. I hope it’s granted so that we can move on with our lifes but we pray that one day she will come looking for him and realize she missed a great father and will a part of his life. I hope she realizes that her father wanted to be part of his life but her mother made it impossible.

  • December 2, 2009 at 11:12 pm

    My daughter’s father just recently terminated his rights, one day after her tenth birthday. He did it to avoid paying child support. I have no respect for any parent who terminates their parental rights, because there is not a situation in this world that terrifies me more than the thought of losing my children. She is in counseling, but that does little to ease her pain. How do you toss a child away like a bag of trash??

  • December 27, 2009 at 4:34 pm

    My parents abandoned their kids because they liked to have fun. They never took care of our emotional needs, including concern for our wellbeing, future or problems.

    Being from that dysfunctional home, I married a woman who had different problems, but as severe as mine (as young people, we didn’t realize it at the time). We had two children and after we split, she began to negatively influence the kids against me.

    Now, neither my ex-wife or my two kids will communicate with me and my daughter has closed the door to any contact with her daughter (my granddaughter).

    I’ve loved my kids all their life and made sure I treated them in ways that they would know their Dad always cared.

    What does a person do who has been abandoned by parents, abandoned by kids, and denied access to a child who now thinks I abandoned her?

    Is life really worth living?


  • December 28, 2009 at 11:20 pm

    life is worth living. God is working in the silence. Please keep faith. Perhaps your daughters or grandchildren will come back to you. Having been abandoned by my father and subsequently sued by him and my siblings I cannot understand why a child wouldn’t want to have a father, however imperfect, in his or her life. I only want my dad to love me unconditionally. That’s all. I try to pray hard and love others more. This is how Ive been called to soothe my wandering spirit in the wake of the loss of my dad. My dad couldn’t love me in a healthy way. It’s unfortunate and probably makes life harder but I choose life everyday. Maybe being patient and keeping the candle of love burning in your heart for your daughters is all you can do for them. No act of kindness is ever wasted-Aesop.

  • January 7, 2010 at 4:15 pm

    I am sitting in a bizarre boat. I am the adoptive mother of my husbands first born daughter. The mother abandoned her at two and she is now 8. She refused to pay child support. Moved far away and has not seen her in as long. She has done terrible things while away. Now she is wanting back in the picture. I adopted Molly almost two years ago now after fighting and fighting for my rights. I have raised her since she was one and her birth mother was still in the picture. I want to do what is best for her. I don’t want to take away her opportunity to have her mother in her life. But also don’t want to expose her to more hurt and pain. Even though she was only two when her mother left she shows all classic signs of a abandoned child. She is now getting older. She can understand more. For awhile she thought that she was the reason her mother left and is now just realizing that her mother made the choice to leave because she was not making good decisions and wanted a better life. Molly has that life now. But she is still a very unhappy child do to her mother leaving her. She is in grade three and as yet to make any friends…I believe because she doesn’t trust anyone enough to let them near her…they might hurt her and leave her too. She acts out. She can either be the most helpful and bright child you every met or act as if she was two throwing tantrums, screaming fits, and doing things to get into trouble. I am scared to open the door to letting this woman back in. But I do wonder if it may help Molly. To know that her mother still loves her and cares about her and never left because of Molly. I do not know which way to turn. I am scared of the consequences either way. Any thoughts? Any experiences? 6 years of trying to make someone happy and never being able to do it is heartbreaking. I feel like I will never be enough and will pay for her mother leaving her for the rest of my life. All I want is for Molly to be happy. To let the mother back in or keep her away…that is the question.

    • August 13, 2012 at 1:32 pm

      For Kelly – I realize it has been two years since your post and I’m not even sure if you will ever see this, but I wonder what the outcome of your situation with your daughter has been. I am in a very similar situation and would like to know what your final decision was and how it worked out. Did you allow her birth mom back into her life? If so, did it seem to help your daughter feel better?

    • September 18, 2012 at 9:10 pm

      I know exactly how difficult this must be for you. I was a child just like Molly and my Aunt loved me, cared for me and had to make many difficult decisions. I know it was awful for her at the time but she did allow my Mother to be part of my life on a fairly regular basis. Visitation was very structured but she knew I needed to experience my Mother. I don’t know how in the world she did it, but she never said a harsh word abut my Mom. It took a long time for me to grow up and actually see clearly how sick my Mother actually was. Both of my parents died years and years ago, and my Aunt died a few years ago. I have come to finally forgive my Mother for all of her short comings and I am eternally grateful for the love, guidance and unconditional love my Aunt gave me. Sometimes the hardest decisions are the best ones in the long run. Good luck to you and to your daughter..she is truly yor daughter in your hearts!

  • January 21, 2010 at 10:40 pm

    Is discussion of the real underling truth of Human nature too taboo to put into writing or to speak?
    Why do Many Family’s, Doctors, Therapists, Media and society at large avoid discussing the dark side of Human behavior as it pertains to abandonment and abuse?
    People are human. Imperfect, Intelligent Highly social amimals.
    Wolves are intelligent Highly Social animals.
    Most times when a wolf becomes Ill, Inured, or To Old and sick to contribute they are, in Very Cruel fashion, excommunicated, attacked and cast out by the pack – Period. They then suffer and die alone.
    Many people will be outraged or discussed to here such a comparison. How dare you (speak the truth) say that You ignorant sick person. The society circles the wagons so as not to have the truth about society open for examination. Yes we give to charity and Sometimes care for our Sick and Elderly. But we also, many times behave like the wolves.
    People, Family’s, and society can behave in bursts of Limited Altruistic behavior. But we also Mask the other reality of how we treat our elderly, handicapped or powerless members of the collective pack. Face it and don’t waste your time denying it or attacking the messenger. We (society) are the emperor who wheres no cloths.

  • January 26, 2010 at 12:07 am

    A message for Kelly. My Dad and Mom gave me away when I was five to my Grandmother. They stepped out of my life for many years. My Grandmother was a steady, trustworthy, almost habitual person. She was always there, loving me, giving me security through a constant low key routine, “doing for me, and considering me.” She showed me love, taught me love and also how to trust again and feel like I was worth something. When my real Mom wanted to come back into my life when I was 14, it was my Grandmother who let me decide and backed up my decision to take it slow, which I did. It didn’t work. My Mom was gone as soon as she found a new man. But there was my sweet tempered Grandmother, telling me it was OK. Maybe now I understood it wasn’t me or my fault.
    I am 59 years old. All this didn’t happen yesterday, but many years ago. I married, have 2 wonderful sons, four grandchildren and have had a terrific life. Be that foundation for Molly. Don’t put her Mom down. Let Molly discover what her Mom is like by herself and be there for her when she does. She will realize that you are the one she can trust. Love her with your heart, with your mouth, with your hands. Do whatever it takes to give her purpose, worth and a happy future. Yes she will always have that “hole in her heart.” I still do after 55 years, but someday God will take in away when I stand before Him. Thank you for reading.

  • March 4, 2010 at 2:08 am

    I was thrown away by my mother at the age of 13 because I witnessed the TRUTH about her killing my step dad. When she found out that she was getting off with no jail time and the case was set as self defense. She came for me. Plus she never liked my dad and she would tell me things like ” You are just like your dad. You’re s–t just like your dad” To make a very oh my God, a very long story short. She took out 2 life insurance policies on me and kicked me out at the house age of 13. My life has been a living hell. I’m 43 years old, no children, and I’m still having problems. I don’t trust anyone. I also feel no one likes me. My mother slandered my name and reputation with the family and no one would let me in or help me. I was just a kid. I’m sorry. I lived on the streets for years. I lost my virginity to a man I did not know just so I could have a place to live. He was a petifile, I know that now. My mother got off I’m going to let God handle her. However, I live today at the age of 43 with NO family. None of them like me. I”m all alone. I”m very sad because I was not just thrown away by my mother. But, I’m also thrown away by my family. Because, they think I have been such a bad child to the poor mother of mine. They lie on me and they treat me like crap.
    Pray for my strength I need it.

  • March 4, 2010 at 2:15 am

    I forgot to add. After some years have passed. My mothers sister apologized to me for the way she treated me. She said ” I’m sorry I did not believe you and that I did not listen to you. A couple other cousins told me the same thing. But, they have treated me so bad for so long, whenever I come around they still treat me like crap. Because, they don’t know any other way to treat me. Wow, I can’t win for losing……

    • March 4, 2010 at 8:25 am

      Still Trying-

      Oh, my heart does ache for your troubles. But it is also hopeful because you wrote in to share and you are still hanging on after all that. You are asking for strength instead of running away from it all. Staying with the truth DOES take a tremendous amount of strength, and you definitely have my prayers. Take care of yourself.

  • March 11, 2010 at 12:38 am

    Hi there,
    I’m 18 and in college now, and am sufferig of the same things, my father took off, or actually my mom took us and left him, and he then left as weel, 8 years ago , wen i was jst 10, it was so hard, cuz i was the youngest child, and the most pampered to him, wen he took off, and never turned bck to take us back…..and my mom was emotionally crushed, and i grew up thhrough my teen years in a very depresseing , low secure house, she was always crying, always feeling like crap, cuz she felt the same way i guess, i was always caugt up with their problems since the age of 2 , i always was in the middle of their fights…..
    and now am a grown ladie, with major self concious problems, very low self esteem, ver low self love, i never got from my parents nor family, but i got the opposite, rejection and hatred, and now i dont know hhow to deal with ppl , i can never keep a relationship, never be in one, but i always need constant love and attention from guyz……but i feel this huge HOLE IN MY HEART !!
    that i need to get filled
    and evrytime i think i found the right guyt o fill it for me , im never ready to get seriouse with thhem, so they jst abandon me like my father did, and the pain an dhurt goes all the way again !
    I feel hated rejecte and not worth of loving, an di dont know wat to do !!!

    • February 21, 2013 at 10:30 am

      Hello Anonymouse, My story is very similar to yours. Even though it doesn’t make it hurt less, it at least feels better to know we have reached out, vented, and we are not alone. I was about to post a comment on Facebook about how much I am struggling today, but I feel like most people do not understand because they DO have parents who are either still together or there for them. I have children now and I struggle with feelings of inadequacy because of how I grew up…not wanting to be a bad mother to my children. Going to church and reaching out in small groups has helped, but I still feel very alone most times. I realize we are all broken people, but many are still in denial. I don’t deny that I am very broken and I need a personal relationship with God in order to keep me sane every day. Something I have done recently that has helped, as well, is share my life testimony before groups of people. I can experience liberation in getting my story out, and vowing to push through each day to help others who have similar struggles – I have had many, and not just with the issue from the lack of supportive parent figures…addictions of different sorts and finally accepting that I have a mood disorder, as well. If anyone reading this has never heard of a Celebrate Recovery group, I highly recommend seeking one out. You can read about it and find one at http://www.celebraterecovery.com.
      Don’t stay isolated in your pain…this is when the most mental damage continues to creep in and chain you down. Be heard and receive healing.

  • March 13, 2010 at 7:46 pm

    My heart goes out to everyone that has posted. My experience varies somewhat, but overall, the fact is we all come from families of broken people. Their parents were probably exhibited the same un-nurturing (to say the least) qualities to them as they were a child. So, they repeated the cycle. Now, they broke us. We are repeating the cycle. As U2 would sing – “We’re stuck in a moment.” I feel we need to acknowledge, and not forget, but let go of the hate and anger, and begin to build ourselves back up with love. In the beginning, it should be self-love. Learn to love yourself. Learn about your strengths. Create the life you want to live in. Move forward. They already took up this many joyous years of our lives; they don’t deserve anymore!

  • March 16, 2010 at 10:22 am

    Are there any good books of encouragement to help teenagers deal with this issue.

  • March 16, 2010 at 10:52 am

    My mother gave me away to my grandparents when I was an infant. She became pregnant with me, her 1st of 4 children, out of wedlock in the early 60’s, I’ve never known my father, met him once, he seemed less than interested in getting to know me. Then my mother gave birth to my sister a couple years later, different father, out of wedlock, then gave my sister to my grand parents also. My mother than went on to get married to an abusive man and had 2 children with him, which she kept and raised. While I appreciated my grandparents taking care of me, it was not the ideal environment…alcoholism, gambling addiction, poverty. My mother, in between her many male relationships, would come in and out of my life over the years, basically abandoning me over and over again. I cried for her most of my life and cried for the sibling relationships that I was robbed of. When I became an adult I moved to be with my mom, hoping to build a relationship, I was willing to forgive her for the past and move on. Now I’m 44 years old and am completely estranged from her. She has never sat down and had a heart to heart talk with me about any of the issues from the past, actually she has never had any kind of deep conversation with me about ANYthing at all. My sister told me she said she was “done” with me, and now she acts as if I am not her child at all, Which is not a huge blow since I have always felt that she was “done” with me since i was a small child. Now, I am estranged from my siblings as well, even the sister I grew up with. The mother relationship, even though I would like one, I have accepted that relationship is not going to happen. However, my siblings are a different story, they accept her and her pathetic behavior and I just cant do it anymore. My siblings make no effort what so ever to understand my position and because i don’t accept their mother they have basically left me out of their lives/events because she is attending, so they choose her over me making me feel alienated(just like their mother has made me feel for years). They never come to my defense or even want to discuss any of the past…I guess that helps them deal with it. I have so much hate and resentment for my mother and now I feel it building towards my siblings as well. I have a great man in my life who was raised by an abusive alcoholic parent also, we have been together for 16 years, combined we are probably a real mess, but it feels like we ONLY have each other because our families have clearly shown us that we never mattered to them and still don’t! I suck at relationships more now than I have in the past….it must be now I’m in my 40’s I just want to clear the air but no one else is interested in having this discussion, and I refuse to move forward with them in my life unless they can find acceptance for me and my feelings. Do I have abandonment issue….YOU BET I DO!!! Sorry for the long thread but I have been holding this in for WAY too long 😀

  • March 29, 2010 at 4:04 am

    My heart bleeds for all of you. “Still Trying” please DO keep on! I know what it feels like. No matter how much one may “know” one is worthy and that the so-called adults were at fault, I don’t believe it – still feel like a lousy, unworthy person. Excuse me for telling one chapter of my story.

    I joke “I’m the “white sheep of the family: knowing from my training (as a clinical psychologist, minus the PHUD) that it often does happen that the healthiest in a dysfunctional family can and is sacrified by the others as the BAD ONE. Sometimes even tortured not only emotionally but physically,

    But for all I “know” what I feel is quite different.

    Not unexpectably, I ended up in an abusive relationship with a psychopath. I can’t explain or talk about it in depth now, but the birth of my first child (unplanned) led me to – first – enormous joy (and a feeling of worthiness) – then, later to on-going torture after our child was turned into what I call a “suicude bomber” aimed at me (thus destroying himself too).

    The father tricked me into a life choice (moving to a country and situation where I lost my previous successful profession, independence, and terrific support), to a world where my little boy and I became wholly dependent on his father, and this formerly happy child, fell apart mentally and physically.

    This was after his father rejected him after the move and EX also destroyed him by among other things, threatening my life for over a year for hours daily – in his earshot.

    I tried to mask the sound of his hate-filled voice by purchasing an expensive sound conditioner with adjustments of bass and treble to adjust it to his voice tenor, so our little couldn’t hear this nightmare day after day.

    But he did. I renewed contact with my parents out of necessity in order to use their home as a crash house, to visit a top New York Hospital to evaluate my beloved son, their only grandchild . He was not only deeply disturbed by this point, but also on the point of death from life-threatening asthma and allergies (“Dad” kept smoking around him, even as he turned blue and suffocated!).

    The parents who were very much like the ex – (in fact in a sense I “married my mother”) treated me and by extension my sick toddler son, with almost unbelievable cruelty. They picked a fight with me on their first visit to Central PA, the first time he was well enough from life-threatening asthma and allergies to risk it. Finally he could breathe and slept restfully for the first time in months.

    They screamed at me with filthy profanities right beneath the crib where he slept for that precious rest, I had to beg my father to go into the basement so as not to disturb (the understood bribe was that he could curse me more heartily)/

    My mother was having a hissy fit and went to pack her leather suitcases while my father told me what a fool I’d been (did I realize that “you F*g bitch?”) – I’d thrown away his grandparents, that’s what I’d done.

    It didn’t make any more sense then to me than it does to you, I’m sure. He’s been so looking forward to these grandparents – I think he imagined they could knock his parents heads together and restore harmony (as if it had ever really existed). Instead they left without ever laying eyes on him – and to think they might never have seen him alive, the way things were looking!

    An arbitrary stopping point (but our story continues almost 26 years later, if anything sadder and more dangerous. My little boy is not in touch with reality. I think he can’t stand it, That’s despite my having given up all my personal dreams and opportunities to try to save him. His father is truly evil – a concept I now believe in, trying to believe equally in an equal force of Good.

    Children experience such pain – never their fault, but they always think it is. Please pray for me and my son as I do for you all.


  • March 29, 2010 at 4:10 am

    Sorry for not proofreading before pressing “submit”. There’s a lot of redundancy and typos, I guess I just wanted to get it out for a change…


  • June 18, 2010 at 9:44 am

    Incredible testimonies! For as much hurt as there is in the world, ther is also true healthy love. I was born out of wedlock in the 60’s. My mother was always physically there for me and provided me a nice place to live and materials. One problem, when I asked about my father, she lied to me and said he was her first husband. After years of looking out the window at night, wondering why I was not good enough for him to visit me, I grew up with a huge empty spot in my soul. While I was a little kid, I dreamed of a fantasy man coming to take me to get a haircut on Saturday mornings. (That is what my best friends Dad did with him) I contacted the man that I thought was my father when I was 18, then again at 21. He told me that he was not my father and gave me the name of who it was. When I confronted my mother about this, she said he was lying. WRONG! My Mom was lying. I dove into to drugs, alcohol and sex. I put alot of emphasis and pressure on myself at being good at sex. This gave me confidence. I had many relationships, but always seemed to end up with insecure women. I now have two children in their late teens, whom I have loved the best that I can and never left them. I even got custody of them after my divorce. Immediately after my first divorce, I met another woman. I could go on and on, but the pattern repeated itself. I now find myself in my late 40’s, really beginning to do the work of resolving thos issues from a long time ago. Don’t fool yourself, to truly do the work is painful, and by no means am I there. We that are damaged tend to seek out the damaged and find peace with the chaos. How ironic is that! Love your kids and don’t give them up. Also, never, ever give up on yourself, happiness comes from within.

  • July 4, 2010 at 11:48 pm

    Even though it has been over 30 years since my father abandoned me, my resentment seems to be worse than ever before. It is all consuming-mentally, emotionally, and physically. I also deal with the resentment around his second family being beneficiary of an exhorbitant wrongful death suit. Needless to say, I have felt invisible and unworthy much of my life. How much work does it take to be healed? How many years will it take? I feel bad that I haven’t healed yet. I know resentment and anger is really really bad for me but I cant make it stop. Thanks for letting me vent. Blessings to all of you/cz

  • August 6, 2010 at 12:04 am

    I was seven when my dad hit my mom hard for the third time a week. She had no option but to leave with my brother just 4 years old. We came to our grandparents in late 97. My father filed a case for custody but lost it in 2001 when the court decided that my mother could support us in a way much more better than my father. I grew up silently like a shadow with no existence or persistence. I was sixteen when my dad divorced my mother and all my dreams of having a happy family together vanished. I did not meet my dad till I was 17. I did not know what the word ‘dad’ meant. There was indeed one large hole inside my chest that seemed ever ready to bleed. I was by nature a very brash kid, quite intelligent but aggressive, somehow this whole trauma sucked me in. It somehow debilitated my defenses and i was left with was silence and a deep sense of shame.My mom never showed a single tear but I never saw her happy in life ever till now! She has worked tirelessly for our upbringing. My dad didn’t even try to communicate. My mom started acting aggressively. She became a constant yeller and instead of a parent me and my brother always found a warden out there whenever we tried to reach for familial support. She never let us or anybody got emotionally attached to her.

    We have been living in our grandfather’s house since then but the way we’re treated here is worth dying rather than living for. The best years of my life were ruined. I was a pampered child, full of desires, I was loved the most at my dad’s house-this transition was hell of a kind. It deprived me of the basic need of life- a sense of security. The whole that somehow never seemed to fill in, never healed.

    I kept searching for someone to fit in the image of a father but did not find any ideal support. At 17, i found a friend whom i idolized as my support for family. He was my refuge to harsh times and not only did he have time for listening to me he was a guarantee of love – a forever lasting love. Slowly and gradually i started coming back to life. I sought my lost confidence, began to meet people, more than anything else i was happy. Now that image of a father fit my friend perfectly.

    Unfortunately my uncles doubted my way too getting close to him and blamed me for having an illicit relationship with him. They gave me a one way road trip message to either live him or leave them. For years i stayed in silence but I was not going to lose someone I loved the most. I put up a fight but lost most brutally.

    The friend I thought was everlasting abandoned me out of pressure and hesitation – fear of the comments people might say. The family that if either not fully well that sort of tried to raise me abandoned me too. And what worse could happen when at the same time I was diagnosed with chronic leukemia. I was 17 but life didn’t see that it was my teenage that needed me and not hell.

    Those were the worst times that I could ever imagine. I was homeless, hunger-stricken and penniless. I had no one to turn to. My uncles removed me from my house, taunting rude remarks at me and my character , calling me a slut more frequently.

    I had no choice and no place to go. The person who i loved the most shut me out from everywhere. My nightmares returned again. It felt being abandoned the same way – history repeating it self again.

    I went to my grad school principal and told him the whole situation, there was my math teacher whom I got very close with, she helped me got along with the tough time. I spent six months of my life at the hostel and hospital continuously fighting for survival. I lost my strength due to chemotherapy and my appearance was shattered. I celebrated my 18th birthday in neglect and rejection. Still with the support of my teachers and some of my friends I coped up.

    Once I got into remission – I had only one way in front of me – without no support from my family, although my mother was still there paying my tuition fee, I had to take revenge. I completed my BSc in Psychology while studying engineering at the same time. Got a job, collected enough money so that I could survive a bone-marrow transplant and got rid of my cancer.

    I am nineteen now, I have a job as a clinical psychologist at a clinic, i will be graduating as an avionics engineer in an year and I am cancer free.

    But the hole still resides. The loss of my best friend whom I termed my brother is still there. Even though i wanted to make him pay for the sufferings he caused me I cannot because its the love that bounded me with him. He was in no way different than a family member to me. He was a part of my soul which he scarred very brutally.

    Even though I’ve tried to patch it up I fail time and again. He couldn’t understand, nor does my family. There is a burning sense of loss everytime I see someone with a complete family. The people I trusted the most termed me gay without ever trying to know what I really wanted. But people talk – what else they have to say. I never paid any heed to them – but hearing the same things from my friends mouth shattered my to the core.

    I have lost the feeling of trust on every one. This was the person I loved the most in my entire life. I used to buy him gifts from whatever low savings I managed yet he never understood me. He questions me as to why i love him when he is just like any other boy – indirectly terming me as once again ‘homosexual’

    I meet with my dad almost every week yet I cannot feel any connection to him. My mom has been there for me, or what seems to be. Emotionally I’m barren with no more space left for love.

    I’ve gone through way too many losses that I’ve stopped counting. I put others before myself and healing their lives have become a major goal of mine.

    People like him and people like my family can never understand what it actually feels like to grow up seeing opportunities slip away. Our lives are not just the same anymore. I like the others appear to have almost everything but it’s the love that we lacked all our life is what breaks us down.

    Whenever I reflect upon my past I have questions. Questions left unanswered. Why did my parents not stay together, even for us? What was my fault that I was subjected to shame and neglect? What was my fault when all i ever did was to love unconditionally when my friend left? What did i get for being sincere and honest for fighting with my family to have my friend for life?

    I still remember those icy cold winters when I didn’t have a pair of sweaters and socks to wear and I’ll i have was a pair of shorts which I could barely cover my legs with. How can i forget when I yearned for just a single coloring book when kids around me had countless to waste. How can i block the feeling of emptyness when all i saw in the hospital was death around me with my father leaving with a comment ‘you have to do this on your own.’ And how can i stop loving my brother who disgraced me within myself telling me straight in the face that it was illegal for us to be this close. I can just close my eyes in an effort that somehow these fears wash away but I know the next moment i’ll wake up – they’re bound to chase me forever.

    If you are reading this and you know someone with somewhat the same history and that someone appears to be a little too more ‘velcro’ type, trying to stay with you, demanding more of your time then trust me, that person does not need anything except your love which is in fact never enough.

  • August 12, 2010 at 9:52 pm

    When I turned 18, the woman who had raised me was dying of heart disease in a hospital. She went in a gruesome manner, and just before her medicine made her hallucinate that the demons were taking her soul to hell, she begged me to forgive her and to trust that she was my mother. Odd, since I had been suspicious ever since I found out that she had been lying about her age. She was not 50, she was 73.

    I panicked, and discovered I was now a legal orphan as I had no father on my birth certificate, she always said he died when I was 2. My reasons to think Mom was not my mom went deeper as a doctor gave me a copy of her medical record showing that she miscarried a child two years before my birth, and it required a total historectemy. I was not on her medical record at all.

    So on to the night before her funeral, when my godmother and crazy “aunt” (a family friend) Mary were helping me sort mom’s paperwork to locate the Will. When I find pictures of me, with a much younger Martha, and a birth certificate of me and Martha’s name, torn to shreds. When I asked about it, both said its time to come clean. Martha’s your real mom.


    So all the years you lied and went along with it. you pretended that I was the child of your best friend? You let me be abused, beaten, used as a slave, molested by mom’s son, my “brother”, and you just want me to say, okay, hi mom????

    That was in 2001. Now it is 2010. I now know That I have the equivalent of PTSD that happens to kids that were kept as captives. Today Martha, my mother, who i have tried for years to develop a relationship with, even lived with at times, told me that I am the one who is to blame. She gave me away, and I can look at this after having risen above so many obstacles. I am married with 3 children, and actually doing quite well. I have a bachelors degree, and in Grad school. But I understand that so many people helped the lie for 18 years that I was not Martha’s child because she has Paranoid Schizophrenia, and refuses to get help. Tonight I asked her to seek help, and was rejected so harshly that she accused me of being “crazy.”

    I am hurt beyond the pain I can describe. I went from a mother who beat my body, to one who batters my soul.

  • August 19, 2010 at 7:16 am

    I was “the bad one” out of two siblings growing up. Even though my mom would pick one at any time to take her fury out. It has made me weak and strong at the same. If i ever have kids of my own i vow to never treat them in any way that i thought would make them feel unloved and not good enough. I think im intelligent enough to get my point across in the raising a child process without doing this with much better results. And if i ever see anybody strugging in the same way and there is anything i can do to help. Love is the best medicine….and when your LOVED you know it you dont have to wonder!!!

  • September 13, 2010 at 11:39 pm

    Both my parents were there for me my whole life, then one day my mother stopped working and started using cocaine. She said “I’m moving to FL in two weeks, decide who you want to live with, me or your father?” We lived in CT and I decided to stay with my father, so my brother and I moved in with him and his girlfriend.

    I was a good kid, but was severely depressed at losing my mother, and new little sister. I cried for a year every night, my step mother (Chris) told me that I was incapable of loving anyone, and tried to convince me that I was a slut for having an older boyfriend at age 15. We were treated like outsiders in our own home, the home we lived in on the weekends before my father ever met her and got married.

    My brother and I started drinking and smoking weed to deal with our emotions. We did this for a couple years before we were ever caught, once caught I was grounded for a few months.

    I stopped all drug activity at age 15 when I met my boyfriend. Then one day my father came home and asked me to bring the mail next door to my grandpa, I told him to wait a second, that I was just finishing putting my clothes away. He flipped, said I was a waste of sperm and egg, etc.. and grounded me for the night. I went out anyway and he said if I did that I could not live there anymore. I came back at curfew, and the door was locked and the key was gone.

    We ended up going to court, where I was asked if I would be willing to go back home, I said yes, my father and stepmom said that they refused to take me back, said to put me in a detention center. They were forced to get a lawyer because I was a straight A student, never been arrested, and never even had a detention. I was 15.

    My father kicked me out and never looked back, I was forced to look after myself and live with my boyfriend. He kicked my brother out just two years later also.

    I am now 22, and just today I found out that my father is going around lying to people saying that my brother and I were adopted. I called his cell and asked him why he is saying that, he said “leave me alone, I don’t want to hear this shit.” and hung up. Crying like crazy I called back and said ” you don’t even care about me at all?! ” He said “no, go on with your life, and I will go on with mine, I want nothing to do with you”

    I have been crying all day. I knew he kicked me out, but I didn’t know that he has no care in his heart for me at all anymore. He still sees my brother, and has a relationship with him. I’m so heart broken over this, and don’t know how to feel. How do you take car of someone for 15 years, and then just kick them out because your new wife wants her perfect little family? I’m just really sad and upset.

    Even though this has happened, I am still living my life as best I can, I am married with no children yet, and am going back to school soon. I did not end up like many would or have in my situation, and really I am not a very much depressed person.. but this time I think it’s going to take long to get over this.


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