138 thoughts on “When a Depressed Spouse Refuses Help

  • June 1, 2009 at 6:44 am

    Unfortunately I think that a lot depends on your family circumstances…one of the most difficult decisions that I’ve ever had to make was asking my children’s father to leave after 2 years of not being willing to get help. With special needs children in the house, there’s a limit to how many people one parent can support and still function.

    As someone who suffers from depression myself, I had nothing but empathy for his condition, and if we hadn’t had special needs children, I most likely would have been able to be a better support for him. But after 18 months of begging him to even make one appointment to get some help for himself, or at least to take steps so that he was capable of looking after the children so that I could work to support the family, I had to give him a deadline where if he didn’t seek help, he had to leave.

    It’s a horrendous decision to have to make, especially when you viscerally understand the apathy and hopelessness that goes along with depression, but sometimes it just comes down to having to make life livable for the greatest number of people in your family. I am very lucky that I’ve established a small network of very close, long-term friends, who, when they tell me to go to the doctor, I do, whether I think I need to or not, and I would encourage everyone to have that type of “contract” with the one or two people who are closest to them. When you are in the grip of major depression you’re not always capable of making rational decisions for yourself.

    Now my children’s father and I are both happily remarried to other people, we have a good parenting relationship together, and he has a good relationship with our children. That wouldn’t have been possible without our separation.

    It is not an easy situation to be in, from either side. I know that when I’m depressed the last thing that I’m capable of doing is looking after other people, which is why I have other people “on call” to make sure that I get myself help when I need it.

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  • June 1, 2009 at 9:52 am

    I’m in a situation like this right now and I was hoping this article would have some suggestions. My spouse has anxiety that manifests itself as OCD sometimes. She has an unnatural preoccupation with her health, and spends a lot of time and money on alternative health remedies that may or may not work. I don’t think anything she’s taking is harmful. I just want her to be healthy, with or without alternative meds.

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  • June 1, 2009 at 10:26 pm

    Anonymous,

    It does sound like you think it is affecting her quality of life and your marriage to some degree. Anxiety has many ways of trapping a person into maintaining their anxiety, which can make it very challenging sometimes. The good news is that anxiety is very treatable. You didn’t mention that she was resistant to seeing a counselor, or perhaps she is already seeing a counselor?

    Perhaps if she does have a physician or health care provider she trusts, you could take her to see this person to talk about your concerns. Sometimes it’s easier to start out going because of physical symptoms, which she seems to more easily focus on.

    Here’s an earlier post I did on anxiety with a link that may be helpful to you at the bottom. Best of luck to you.

    http://blogs.psychcentral.com/family/2009/04/how-not-to-help-your-family-member-with-anxiety/

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  • June 4, 2009 at 4:41 am

    I was in a relationship for many years with a partner who suffered from debilitating depression and anxiety. He had always scoffed at the idea of therapy and/or medication, saying that he had to work out his problems himself. But, he never tried.

    The cycle of his depression dictated our happiness–our lives together could be great, or terrible, depending on his mood and/or preoccupations. For years, I was encouraging when his moods were at their blackest. I tried everything I could to lift him up out of them short of forcing him to go to a therapist. He never sought outside help, and never had the energy to take any steps on his own.

    Eventually, I left him. It was the most difficult decision I’ve ever made, but I came to realize my own mental health was at risk.

    Ultimately, I believe the fight to get over depression has to come from within. This realization was very difficult for me, because I could see my partner suffering and yet was powerless when it came to helping him.

    Once I left him, my partner made some huge positive changes in his life. It took time, but he did it on his own. I’m so proud of him (and relieved, for his sake). This experience was what made me realize that the ultimate battle is fought by the person trying to overcome depression–and this is not a battle that can be fought for them by someone else.

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  • June 4, 2009 at 8:02 am

    Absolutely. You only have so much influence and ability to help. After that, it really does come down to the person themselves. Good for you for preserving your own self, and I’m glad it worked out well for your former spouse. Those don’t always get better, so he’s fortunate. Thanks for sharing your story and echoing that key point.

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  • June 8, 2009 at 10:50 am

    My husband is extremely depressed. He had a back operation 15 years ago that has left him unable to work. The pain medications add to his weight problem. In January of 08, I had to hospitalize him for mental illness. He was there for a week. He is currently under medication but refuses counseling. He feels as if there is nothing left. I am at my wits end. I try to keep the house up and the outside chores as our sons have now left the home. I can’t leave him and I won’t. Because of his physical condition, he does need my help. I’m afraid no rope, map or shovel will help.

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  • June 8, 2009 at 10:12 pm

    Name Withheld,

    I am so sorry to hear about that. You seem to feel pretty alone even though you are with him. At the very least, you might find some relief speaking to a counselor. You may be at risk for developing depression yourself, just because you are around it so much and it directly impacts your life.

    Also, NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) has chapters all around the country for family members of people with mental health problems. Others have probably been in similar places as you. They can offer support and suggestions.

    I hope this helps.

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  • June 11, 2009 at 9:13 am

    My husband has been out of work for 6 months. He had this come about because of various things, but in the meantime I got pregnant for the first time. We have been married over 10 years, and I have gone through alot with his depression. Now he seems dejected and doesn’t feel comfortable with anthing I suggest. I know that he has this problem, and that depression takes over your life, but I am just wondering what mental health people could help him. Money is a problem, and everyone I have talked to previously let me know that to treat mental illness, you either need an insurance policy that covers it (which we don’t) or a huge pile of money to pay for it all (not available)

    Suggestions?

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  • June 11, 2009 at 10:00 am

    Aya,

    Thanks for writing in and I hope I can help you out here. Where I work, we accept Medicaid as a form of insurance. It’s determined by your income level, and if your husband’s been out of work for such a long time, you may very well qualify in your state. You would need to contact your Department of Health and Human Services of your state, or maybe your local county office, and see about qualifying.

    Also, you may need to shop around for rates. Some community mental health centers offer sliding fee scales. This is different from a private practice, which might just be a psychologist and a few therapists in an office. A community mental health center is more likely to offer other programs like community support for mentally ill people, drug addiction programs, maybe therapeutic foster care, youth workers that work with kids on probation, etc etc.

    These are programs that often get some kind of state or federal funding. They can often offer a sliding fee scale because of these monies. Then, depending on your income, a session might even be less than $10 a session. You can also ask the local HHS office about these community centers that would offer a sliding fee scale, even if you don’t qualify for Medicaid. Maybe he would even qualify for disability if his depression is a key factor in keeping him from being employed??

    There are probably more ways around your money issue than you might think. Good luck to you.

    Erika

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  • June 13, 2009 at 1:15 am

    I lived through this, let her drag me along down with her. At one point I even contemplated suicide as our relationship spiraled downward and she refused to help herself or try to save our marriage. In the end, ironically enough, the only thing that helped was leaving. Some people just aren’t meant to be together.

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  • June 13, 2009 at 2:13 am

    My partner has been unemployed for over 2 years.I don’t know if she is depressed or not she says she has money worries but yet does not do anything to change her situation. Instead of going out to find work she spends all but an hour or so of her day in the office on the internet or reading blogs or on facebook. We have had many relationship problems since I’ve moved in her house because she wants to control everything. No decision is made by us together. It’s her way or the highway. I tried to prevent her from taking out a mortgage when her mom gave her a paid house that her aunt had left when she died and the minute it got signed to her she took out the mortgage the house to do home improvements despite what I said. I told her not to because she was unemployed and I was already stretched on my budget from trying offer extra help financially. As usual, I didn’t have a say. We are now barely being able to make ends meet. I was laid off from my job 3 months ago for a couple of months and I am back at work but she is impossible to live with. She says she is stressed about money and but yet won’t do anything about it. Instead she wants me to pay for everything that she cant pay for on her unemployment and when I try to tell her how unfair it is to me she just tells me if I am so unhappy that I should just leave. When I take her up on it she begs me to stay. Up until just recently she stopped spending money because she has no choice but she was shopping online buying thousands of dollars of sport memorabilia, buying season football tickets and going to fundraisers all on credit cards. She is now about 40k in the hole. I have tried to talk to her about it but she just shuts me out until her back is up against the wall and she needs money. When I refuse she throws me out once again. She knows I can’t afford to leave because I give her everything I make and she has wiped out my savings as well. When I don’t give it to her she goes to her mom who is 83 years old and I tell her she needs to stop that. She tells me her mom is well off and that it’s not my business anyway. She doesn’t understand it is hard to want to give everything toward debt that I didn’t create and on top of it something that I don’t at least partly own. I don’t know what to do. If I tell her she needs to do something she gets angry but it’s gotten even worse. We arent intimate, she wont communicate, she doesn’t want to be told anything and if I say something she puts my stuff on the porch. I don’t have a car because I agreed to trade in the new car I had bought for a truck that she wanted. She had 2 cars and wanted a truck. She told me that I could have one of them. I did it to make her happy. Now when she throws me out she won’t let me take the car and doesn’t care that I don’t have one. Is she depressed do you think? I have tried to get her to go seek help but she won’t. She says I’m the one with a problem or as she often says I am bi-polar. I know that I shouldn’t care but I do. Even though I see her as very selfish and ungrateful but then I think maybe she is depressed or something. What can I do? Should I just leave? Any an all suggestions are welcome. I’m at my wits end and I can’t take it anymore. Today I told her something needs to change or I want it to end between us because I just can’t take anymore. Please help!

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  • June 13, 2009 at 3:32 am

    My love, my ex, has been mildly to severely depressed for years, I can deal with it from a distance but I could not live with it, any doctor was met with anger and resentment – resentment for things that happenned 35 years ago. I am bipolar and so the more flashy mentally ill of the pair, and reading these comments and this article oddly makes me grateful for my bipolarity – I needed to leave to preserve my own life. One of the uglinesses of depression is that it can pass for normal, just bitter. One forgets the possibility of beauty and fun and joy in life.

    Sadly Dr. Erika many community mental health centers are staffed by complete morons who revel in the illnesses they see rather than try to cure them, you would not believe what I have been sentenced to aftercare from manic episodes – after the hospital one is so traumitized that compliance is easy – until the realization that the asylum is being run by undereducated albeit good hearted ignorami…..

    one problem is that the depths of mental illness of self or other is the worst possible moment to shop for a psychologist and shrink, you have to do this with care and with great discretion, they practice an art as well as a science, its only with the best luck that you happen onto somebody who can actually HELP you IMHO – why your column here is very valuable….

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  • June 13, 2009 at 6:37 am

    My husband has suffered depression since he was 17. When we married I had no idea and thought it was just moodiness. Spent the first 10 years trying to make him happy and helping the kids to stay out of his way. I soon learned it was depression and went to counseling myself. My regret after 26 years is that I didn’t insist that we get help.I kept hoping he would get better.It would be better at times and I would back off on my push for intervention. Trust me it doesn’t get better without some kind of intervention. Things and happy ocassions do not change the depression. He finally got to a breaking point and went for a week of therapy. He is on medication that has some side affects but nothing to compare to the depression and the talk therapy to help his “stinking thinking”. Life is too “long” to live with depression without help. My kids (now grown) are amazed at their new Daddy. It is my regret that they didn’t have him as they were growing up. So if you are new at depression thing or in denial, break loosea and insist on treatment, medication,talk therapy for you and them.

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  • June 13, 2009 at 6:51 am

    My husband and I have 4 boys all who have special needs of a varying degree. He (my husband) has been out of work for 2 years now, I do not feel he is even trying to find a job. He is happy surfing the internet and hanging out with the 2 younger children for an hour or 2 every day. The rest of the time I am at work they are in school or at daycare. He is constantly at war with my 15 year old , they call me constantly to settle their fights. I am working 50 to 60 hours a week to scrape by. We argue constantly because of his attitude. I have told him I want him to leave and he says he has no where to go and says he should just kill himself to make me happy. He is miserable and angry all the time and refuses to get any counseling, he says he is angry because of my attitude. I want to help him get over this deppression, I have gotten medical insurance for him but this has gone on so long….. I do not want this marriage any more. But I cannot be the reason he dies…my boys would be devistated. HELP Please.

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  • June 13, 2009 at 7:16 am

    Parents are in their 80s; married for almost 60 years. Years ago,they went for counseling and were told to get divorced, but did not. Now still unhappily married they are surely together for convenience. Mom has never worked;financially dependent on Dad. He pays the bills. They are estranged in their own house; try to stay away from each other. They rarely find common ground. They have always been difficult people They have always refused any kind of counseling. Dad has been treated for depression; I think he’s off his meds now. He has always been a pugilist and now wants to fight everything and everyone. If food falls on his lap and gets on his pants it’s the napkin’s fault. Their vitriole follows them wherever they go; Mom’s wearing her depression on her face. They reject any advice for professional counseling. None of the kids want to be around them becuase they are so unpleasant and trying. Is there anything we can do now to help them stop wasting the precious few years they have left, and enjoy their blessings? How can we protect ourselves and our kids from their toxicity as they get older; are we morally bound to accept them as they are or can we keep away except for extreme cases i.e. physical illness.

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    • September 8, 2018 at 12:28 pm

      The only thing you can do is look after your OWN health and sanity. Just as if your parents were alcoholics. You can’t change control or cure them. Wish you well.

      Reply
  • June 13, 2009 at 7:53 am

    I have seen the man I loved evaporate right before my eyes…we met, fell madly in love…in the midst of planning our wedding he had to be admitted to a hospital for a perforated ulcer. Almost twenty surgeries later and ongoing unemployment on his part (over 6 yrs now), he has lost his spirit and I have almost lost my mind. He is aware of his depression but like others who’ve written in, he has not actively pursued getting help for it. Having to be his nurse through all of this and now not having him pull his part in the relationship has caused that love to die. Ultimatums about getting help don’t seem to work and deadlines don’t seem to work. Because he is on Social Security, being able to live in a rather wealthy area is probably impossible. I have taken on a second job to pay the bills and keep my house. Don’t anyone scream at me for “enabling” because that is such a destructive term. Let someone walk in my shoes before they use that term so casually. I am afraid that our relationship is over. I have told him that I will not marry him because he is not the man I loved and I am having a hard time accepting the person he has become. Any suggestions anyone?

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  • June 13, 2009 at 7:57 am

    I hope this doesn’t come across two-faced or hypocritical or even worse, useless.

    I AM the depressed spouse in my marriage. I’ve had ongoing bouts of various degrees since I was 16 or earlier.

    I recently took myself off of my anti-depressants which has my wife understandably concerned. But just since February I have been on three different meds the first one launched me into this “crazed euphoria” and then about four to six weeks later dropped me like third period French. I was MORE suicidal then I had been before the meds. The others have simply been less than effective.

    I love my wife and I don’t want her to suffer any unnecessary stress but there are a couple of things that have been on my mind in regards to all of this.

    1. Don’t look at and treat your spouse as some broken thing that needs to be fixed becuase we perceive your looks and such as pity for the poor helpless depressed kid. Not a big esteem booster. Look and treat them like the person you know that they are.

    2. Sometimes and intervention is necessary. In January when I made the announcement that I was going to kill myself 28 February my parents drove through the night to come and be with me. My step-mother used the emotional plea and the think of your children angle and my father used the I die first you have a responsibilty to me after I die (caring for those he will leave behind). My brother-in-law called and basically said that my death would effect his children especially his son whom he said looked up to me. It didn’t end my depression but it has become this barrier to suicide that is hard for me to get around.

    So maybe gathering a small group of trusted confidants to come to your spouse and say look we love you, we’re here for you, and we no longer accept you lying in the hole and dying as a viable option. When you’re in that hole you can only see the ones on the edge and when it’s a spouse or household family it’s hard to believe that your life has any influence. Because we see how hard we’re making it for you and we think our death or our absence will make your lives better so you can’t be the ones to change our minds. But when we see people appear at the hole’s edge that we didn’t expect to see. WOW. You mean my life has meaning!? NEWS FLASH!

    I don’t know if any of that helps any of you. Even though I did take myself off the medication I know that meds can help others. I have one colleague who has refused all medication and simply attends counseling every week which she says helps her be aware of the thoughts and helps her to sort through her depression logically. I don’t think there is one true solution. I do know that sometimes you can’t understand why we don’t see that you are trying to help and that you care but that’s because you are looking at the world through a single glass lens and we (when we’re in the depression) look at the world through a cracked glass lens or even to some extent a hundred shards of a reverse kaliedescope that doesn’t make everything colorful and beautiful it makes everything dark and gray and ugly and worthless.

    Love us for who we are and not who we are being. It will go a long way.

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  • June 13, 2009 at 8:00 am

    Very good article, well well put with good symbolics…I was there, tiptoeing around the large gaping hole for over a year…trying to toss in a rope, with no result. With two young boys, living in Saudi Arabia, far from home and any help, luckily employed, I had to give an ultimatum. The “bucket” of emotional bank account ran totally dry and we had very civilized discussions about this – I felt used, tired, worn out and helplessly manipulated, worried for us and for my own sanity – as well as my earning powers as this was going on relentlessly. Day after day, excuses of not working, of being busy, of mismatched schedules… I knew well he was depressed and had good help at hand. He avoided the issue. The result? Well, found another woman who promised to take care of him and dropped the baggage – us, the two boys and me in Saudi Arabia. How did it all end? For us, lots of struggle, but we pulled through and I got two emotionally healthy young men, one finishing college and one starting it now. Me, tired, but not hopeless, I feel in control and while we might not have all the wealth in the world.. we got a peace of mind and are realistic about life.
    Do I have pain, yes. Was not able to help a spouse, but at least got the three of our out of a messy situation and have shown strength in dealing with life head on – as a single woman in the Middle East. The boys got strength from knowing that it is possible to make it and navigate through life with open eyes and honesty – it is ok to ask and accept help, a very solid self awareness that I am sure will take them to the right places in life.

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  • June 13, 2009 at 8:35 am

    To “Concerned”
    I wonder if you can read your comments as if they were written by someone else, and think about how you would advise someone in that situation. Sometimes we treat ourselves worse than anyone else treats us. You say you don’t know what to do. . . maybe, at some level you know what to do, or at least what you’d advise someone else in that situation to do. Because my spouse was depressed and would not seek or accept treatment/therapy, I did everything I could to “help” make life better. A difficult lesson for me, personally, was about the “law of sowing and reaping”. In farming: you harvest what you plant. In physics: every action has a reaction. In economics: what you spend, you owe. Sort of a universal law that applies to everyone. Except when someone (like you or me) interrupts that law. Then one person sows, and another reaps. Your partner spends money and you are in debt. Your partner makes a decision and you bear the consequences. So why should she stop acting this way? She doesn’t have any problems; you do. You have so nicely taken on the problems she’s created as your problems. How would that motivate her to change? If she were carrying her own self-created burdens, she might be more inclined to change her behavior. You are helping her to behave this way, and hurting yourself in the process. Instead of wishing for her behavior to change, you might look for help with changing your own behavior, your own response to her. For me, counseling was helpful, as well as this book: Boundaries: When to say YES, when to say NO to take control of your life (by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend)which I’ve read several times and studied with a group of friends.You are applying your great sense of compassion in a most disastrous way. Acting in this unhealthy way costs you a lot and enables another to behave badly. Stopping your own enabling behavior may cost you something else. . . but it will be worth it in the long run. As for me, I am divorced from a man I would have done anything for. Without me to lean on in unhealthy ways, he has become a stronger and healthier man. As he solved his own problems he respected himself more, and became less depressed. In our case, he leaned on me until I was too broken to hold us up any more. Now he’s in what may be a healthier relationship than ours ever was in the 30 yrs we were together. I thought I’d do anything for him. Turns out the best thing I ever did for him was to stop being supportive of his unhealthy behavior. No perfect answers here. Either way (enabling someone or letting them reap what they sow) love turns out to be sacrificial. The challenge: courageously and lovingly speak and act on the truth, loving others as you love yourself.

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    • October 16, 2018 at 2:44 pm

      9 years after this comment, this is something directly to me and my situation. Thank you!

      Reply
  • June 13, 2009 at 9:15 am

    I’ve been married for 13 years to a man I’ve since learned is severely depressed. For years I thought it was just his beer-drinking personality. But I’ve come to realize he’s like that under the surface even when he’s sober. He’s just able to control it a little better.

    This is my second marriage. I have 2 daughters by previous marriage, who are grown, married and have kids of their own. He refuses to have anything to do with them. Belittles them (to me) at every opportunity. When he’s not gripeing about them, he’s belittling everything I care about. It is depressing to live with a depressed person. I am financially tied to him and won’t leave him. Fortunately he is a pretty good provider and financial manager of our income. He doesn’t spend money like there’s no tomorrow (like previous husband).

    I’ve made a life for myself that doesn’t include him. He doesn’t want any part of it anyway. Just stays in his “man cave” and grumbles about everything. Occasionally he makes an effort to do something we like together, but it’s few and far between. I think of our relationship as roommates with occasional “benefits”. I moved into our spare bedroom and am very happy with my little sanctuary of peace and calm.

    I survive by being plugged into a caring community of like-believers who support me emotionally with everything I need — companionship, support, friendship, prayer support, etc. At least he doesn’t mind when I’m out of the home to be with my family and friends.

    It’s not the life I’d invisioned, but my attitude is that if I didn’t have this set of problems, I’d have another set. Life is just like that. At least I know what these problems involve. I look at other people and everyone seems to have some sort of problems; just different than mine. I think I couldn’t live with theirs; they think they couldn’t live with mine. So what would be the point of leaving him? I’d just be exchanging one set of problems for another. No thanks.

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  • June 13, 2009 at 9:45 am

    My husband is the smartest person I have ever met. He is very mathematically inclined, he is a computer programmer. As a younger child he excelled in school and earned a scholarship to Virginia Tech. He plays multiple musical instruments extremely well and is very talented.
    He also has severe bipolar disorder.

    During his time at college, he did a lot of LSD. Although he has not done that in quite a long time, somehow that seems to have marked when his depression began.

    At age 37 now, he is on disability and he depressed and cannot bring himself to work or go to school where he would excel. He talks openly about it with me, and he is seeing a psychiatrist and is on medication. Although the medication helps his mood and helps him to get out of bed sometimes, there is a fine line between medication that causes his mania (effexor, welbutrin) and any kind of mood stabilizer which will keep him in bed all day (abilify etc.).

    We have been to many counselors and honestly–none have helped.

    Many times he sees how he could be making money or going to school and tries to pursue–but becomes easily overwhelmed by this and other tasks such as cleaning, shopping or paying bills.

    We don’t have any children, and I am a full time graphic and web designer with a secure 9-5 job–and luckily it is possible that we could stay this way and be quite happy although it can be frustrating at times.

    My biggest fear is that he will waste his entire life behaving in this manner. I read the responses above and am frightened by the fact that so many similar situations have been remedied by the spouse (me) leaving. I don’t ever want to leave him –I love him so much–I would hate to think that is the only answer or that I am causing this. This has been going on for over 10 years now–we have been together for 5. I have seen improvement, when we first met, he couldn’t get out of bed and his meds were causing his constant down time. Now his medication provides him with cycles where he functions quite well, takes care of normal house work, lawn maintenance etc. But then has a down cycle where he is sleeping all day and up all night. He also exhibits signs of Aspurgers syndrome (interested in something deeply for monthes and then on to something else–usually things like chess or video games, music), and has social awkwardness at times. Also some ADD symptoms exhibit themselves as well. I can tell that I am not going to be able to help him as much as I wish. I am too close, and because of this, my suggestions sound like a broken record and I have lost my impact. We both love each other very much, and if we need to work around this we will. I am a freelance web designer as well and we are trying to start our own business from our home–mostly because it seems like a logical solution to the work issue if he could work at home programming web pages with me.

    My biggest worry is that all of his intelligence and talent will be wasted and he wont be able to live a fulfilled life. Is there anything that anyone can suggest?

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  • June 13, 2009 at 9:45 am

    I’m the one who suffers from severe bouts of depression. What I need most is to be held, but my husband seems to be unable to. How can I get him to help “pull” the depression out of me, whereas, sometimes, I’m just feeling a need for security and love.

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  • June 13, 2009 at 10:03 am

    my significant other of 11 years was depressed and anxious over being laid off in March another time after we relocated from another state. I am a psychotherapist so I saw the signs but was in denial too . In hindsight I say this as he was always not so good at taking care of himself . I found myself being more at my wits end- seeing him isoltate himself , his outlook was very negative and getting worse . I told him . He would not do anything about it though. he ended up not taking his blood pressure medication the last day of his job and he died a few days later. Still a complete mystery and a shock. and alsays will be. I think the anxiety was so much and fear that he was not thinking properly. I saw this to see what I could have done or what others could do in similar situation.

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  • June 13, 2009 at 10:06 am

    I believe that the family needs as just as much help at the one suffering with the depression. We are powerless over the person suffering. By getting outselves out of trying to control that one person, we can help them more than we know. they have to understand that it comes from within themselves to get help. I believe that we can throw the map, shovel or whatever, but we have to leave it up to them to make that choice to throw it back or dig themselves out. its hard I know, i am there suffering this right now trying to make a life decision

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  • June 13, 2009 at 10:55 am

    Friend, although your partner may be depressed, she is also exhibiting a severe lack of maturity and discipline. Please don’t let her depression continue to dig you deeper into your own hole.

    You, on the other hand, will most likely benefit from counseling, and quickly. She is not going to listen to you, and the only way to help her is to help yourself first. I know because I have been there. Find your center and your strength. Stop the enabling behavior with her spending, and if her mother wants to bankroll the sinking ship, that is her decision to make.

    Please listen to what others have said in these posts: You have to help yourself and do what is necessary for your own health! Only from that point of strength can you be an effective helper to your partner. Good luck.

    Reply
 

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