You may remember my post from a few weeks ago, Diary of a Depression Day. I commented about the previous weekend when I’d experienced a disturbing day of slight paranoia, negativity, mistrust, confusion, and undefined sadness. How things change when you think you know how to predict them.
During my depression day, I was actually in the time of my cycle that should have been (and typically is) the easiest to manage my emotions. I usually have trouble in the three to five days leading up the first day of my cycle. As I write this, I imagine some of you questioning how I think my emotions are all boiled down to a bunch of hormones. That’s not what I’m saying, and I imagine there could have been a few other triggers that weekend (though since time has passed, I’m not sure I can find a simple answer).
The problem is that I felt really overwhelmed by my emotions. I felt that familiar “going through the motions” sensation that I used to when I was continually depressed. I was hiding it from the others I was with that day because even if I shared how I was feeling, I couldn’t really explain it very well. Any source I think of now seems really overblown for such an emotional state. I couldn’t shake it on the inside, even when I was doing things that would normally get me caught up and help me adjust my mood. That was the unnerving part.
So this weekend, when by all rights I should have reasonably expected some difficulty and edginess, it was pretty mild. Actually, if I didn’t have a calendar at my disposal and birth control pills, I’m not sure I would realize my cycle was about to start. And this isn’t the first time I’ve had it pretty easy into my cycle. I’m just noticing it more in comparison with that awful depression day.
All in all, that incident and this week’s lack of incident just keeps me on my toes. I can’t take the positive time for granted because another seemingly random day of depression and anxiety could be around the corner. Thanks for your supportive comments a few weeks ago. Please share other thoughts you have on depression and premenstrual dysphoric disorder (a.k.a. PMDD) if you wish.