Borderline Personality Disorder

Expressive Writing

When thinking about people who are emotionally sensitive, you might be most likely to think of the individual who cries easily and who shows her emotions openly. But there are many different types of emotionally sensitive people.

Type C Person

In the book The Spiritual Anatomy of Emotions, Michael Jawer discusses the Type C person. A Type C individual is a stoic, a denier of strong feelings and has a calm, unemotional demeanor.

This person has a tendency to people please, is not assertive, and tends to feel helpless and hopeless. He is at risk for autoimmune disorders from asthma to lupus. Type C people tend to say they aren't upset but experience strong sensations in their bodies that indicate otherwise. They don't say no or defend their personal integrity. Their emotions have no outlet. For the Type C person who is emotionally sensitive, finding a way to cope with emotions is critical.

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How Stereotypes Affect the Emotionally Sensitive

A research study completed years ago has always fascinated me. In the 1960's Robert Rosenthal and Lenore Jacobson administered a test to all students in an elementary school and gave the results to the teachers. They told the teachers that based on the test results some students were particularly likely to excel academically in the upcoming year whereas others were not.

The "gifted" students were actually chosen by drawing names out of a hat, not by their performance on the test. In fact, the test was bogus and didn't really measure anything. At the end of the year the students identified as gifted scored significantly higher on an actual IQ test than students who weren't labeled as gifted, though in truth there was no difference in the groups at the beginning of the year.

That is an amazing result. The authors believed that the only way  this could have happened is through a self-fulfilling prophecy in the minds of the teachers. The students themselves did not know they had been designated as high-achievers (or not) and neither did their parents. Only the teachers knew. The researchers believed that the teachers' expectations caused them to act in ways that improved the performance of the students who were labeled as being intellectually brighter.

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Love and Loss in Relationships

Whether you believe in celebrating Valentine's Day or not, the day serves as a reminder to many of the relationships they have lost or their lack of success in creating supportive relationships. The pain of being alone, for many,  is constantly present but may be more intense on a day that celebrates love.

Relationships can be a roller-coaster ride for the emotionally sensitive. Emotionally sensitive people often love fiercely and intensely. They also become hurt, angry and sad more quickly and more intensely than others do. Their emotions sometimes lead to relationships with lots of ups and downs.

They may love their partner or friend but frequently be so angry and hurt they cannot be around the person, perhaps over an issue that others do not understand. They may believe that they hate a person at a certain time and they do. They may believe they never want to speak with or see the person again. But those thoughts, based on feelings of hurt and anger, often fade after the emotions pass. Then they are often racked with shame that they pushed someone away.

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Practicing Validation

Emotional validation means acknowledging and expressing acceptance of someone's thoughts, feelings and behaviors as understandable. Sometimes understanding someone else's thoughts and feelings requires a lot of work because the way they think makes no sense to you.

Emotional validation is different from emotional invalidation which means someone's feelings, thoughts and behaviors are judged, rejected, or ignored.

Validation is particularly important for emotionally sensitive people. So if you love or care about or interact with someone who is emotionally sensitive, using validation can help build your relationship or help communication go more smoothly.

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Understanding Invalidation

Emotional invalidation is when a person's thoughts and feelings are rejected, ignored, or judged. Invalidation is emotionally upsetting for anyone, but particularly hurtful for someone who is emotionally sensitive.

Invalidation disrupts relationships and creates emotional distance. When people invalidate themselves, they create alienation from the self and make building their identity very challenging.

Self-invalidation and invalidation by others make recovery from depression and anxiety particularly difficult. Some believe that invalidation is a major contributor to emotional disorders.


Understanding the Levels of Validation

Marsha Linehan, Ph.D., from the treatment creator of Dialectical Behavior Therapy, identified six levels of validation and noted that she believes it is impossible to overestimate the importance of validation.

If you care about someone who is emotionally sensitive, validation is one of the most important and effective skills you can learn. If you are an emotionally sensitive person, then learning to validate yourself will help you manage your emotions effectively.

Linehan suggests using the highest level of validation that you can in any situation.

The First Level is Being Present. There are so many ways to be present. Holding someone's hand when they are having a painful medical treatment, listening with your whole mind and doing nothing but listening to a child describe their day in first grade, and going to a friend's house at midnight to sit with her while she cries because a supposed friend told lies about her are all examples of being present.

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What is Validation and Why Do I Need to Know?

Have you ever wished you could take back an email that you sent when you were emotionally upset?  Or maybe you made some statements when you were sad that  you didn't really mean or agreed to something when you were thinking with your heart that you later regretted ? Or maybe you wanted to be supportive and helpful to someone you love but couldn't because your own emotions made it difficult?

Communicating when overwhelmed with emotion does not usually work well. Being overwhelmed with emotion is not a pleasant experience. For emotionally sensitive people, managing their emotions so they can communicate most effectively and with the best results means learning to manage the intense emotions they experience on a regular basis.

Borderline Personality Disorder

Managing Your Emotions: Part 2

In the previous post, Coping With A Stressful Situation: Managing Your Emotions, we discussed the importance of not acting impulsively on your upset emotions. When possible, taking a break until you are calm so your logical mind can be in charge is the best strategy.

What you do during that break is important.

There are actions that will help you manage your emotions effectively and actions that tend to increase your emotional upset. When people are angry or scared or experiencing an uncomfortable emotion, they sometimes feed the emotion, like throwing wood on a bonfire, though that's not their intention.

Borderline Personality Disorder

Coping With A Stressful Situation: Managing Your Emotions

Whether you're dealing with an emotional bully (see previous post about adult bullies) or other difficult situation, one of the first steps is to comfort yourself and manage your emotions.

The part of the brain that is responsible for decision-making and planning cannot function as well when you are filled with emotion. Acting on emotions without the thoughtfulness of the logical part of the brain usually means trouble.

Even when you're in the right about a situation, if you act impulsively and emotionally it's unlikely others will listen. They'll tell you to calm down and don't get so upset. This situation happens frequently for the emotionally sensitive and they soon believe no one listens to them. They also may find themselves reacting first and regretting later.

Coping Skills

Understanding Adult Bullies

One type of emotional bully is the person who attempts to use anger as a way of protecting themselves, controlling others or as a form of connection. Anger is often a hurtful emotion for those on the receiving end. For emotionally sensitive people having someone angry at them can be devastating and result in their withdrawing, fighting, acting in unhealthy ways and experiencing hours of emotional pain.

One of the ways to cope with anger is to change your perception (see previous post on No Matter What the Problem, There Are Only Four Things You Can Do). If you blame yourself whenever someone is angry with you, or have an automatic response that isn't effective,  a first step of pausing and considering the reasons for their anger could be helpful.

Spouses who verbally attack, the controlling boss, the critical parent--all may be described as angry people. Bullies are often angry people, regardless of their age. Maybe it's hard to understand why someone would bully another. After all, being chronically angry has many negative consequences for both the person who lives in anger and those around that person.