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Are You Stuck in the Blame Game?

Anxiety, depression and chronic anger are very difficult states to carry around. They make you feel helpless, frustrated, lonely and often not knowing where to turn for help. You may have already sought professional help of many kinds, only to have it not quite fill the void.

You may not even know where to start.

I am here to tell you that you can start feeling better right now with one slight but dramatic mind shift.  I call it ditching the blame game.

As in all of my posts, this material is not relevant to severe mental illness or medically related depressions such as hormonal disorders.

When you are told that you are blaming others or an external force for your negative emotions it can actually make you more angry. You may have been victimized in the past, not been provided with opportunities that would have changed your direction or any number of things that life can throw your way.

You may have grown up in a dysfunctional family or environment where there was not much opportunity to thrive and grow emotionally. You may not have been taught how to manage your feelings and emotions. You may even have been taught to hide your feelings or told that they didn’t matter.

You may be carrying around dysfunctional thought patterns that are keeping you stuck and unable to make necessary changes. These can be changed. In fact, these need to be changed and you can do it.

But all of that catches up with you at some point and can make your life very unpleasant. The accumulation of bad experiences, less than ideal choices and not knowing how to gain control of yourself can overwhelm you to the point it is hard to function.

When you are constantly reacting to crisis after crisis, dodging incoming problems and being put upon by others to perform it is easy to get caught in a downward spiral and start to see all of it as someone else’s fault. Or the fault of the government or a school or anything else that is handy. This is when it is time to get your power back as those things are never going to change, or at least not soon enough for you to get immediate results.

Your mind shift needs to start here, with these thoughts:

  1. This is your life, it needs to be designed and carried out as you see fit
  2. You don’t want it wasted in negativity as you only have this one shot at it.
  3. Now is a good time to get it under control.
  4. Any necessary changes will be carried out by you. You are in charge of your destiny.
  5. They will be based in your personality, strengths and weaknesses.
  6. The other stuff will fall into place but be ready for some fallout when you start to assert yourself. Stay steady.
  7. You can get a game plan together that will take you closer to who you want to be.

Once you have that conversation with yourself you have to begin to trust yourself. This is where most people run into trouble as they don’t believe they have it in them. You do. You just have never learned how to execute your life plan or knew that you should have one. Everything is easier with a plan. A really good detailed plan.

Instead you have probably been winging it with varying degrees of success and falling prey to repeated bouts of depression, debilitating anxieties and maybe even frequent or chronic outbursts of anger.  Or maybe you turn your anger inward and do self destructive things.

Now decide what is the worst thing about your life right now and how can you go about changing it? Some examples are not having enough time therefore feeling overwhelmed, being in an abusive or negative relationship, having a dead end job or having money problems. Those are extreme life suckers.

Believe it or not these can be conquered and just trusting that that can happen with the right strategy can empower you immediately. You were not born to take in negativity about yourself or live your life according to someone else’s plan. Those two things alone are enough to create major sadness, anxiety and chronic anger.

When you do not feel in control of your life, every piece of it from soup to nuts, you will be at odds with your emotions. They are trying to tell you that something is not right. It is often scary to think about what will need changing but you will not feel differently until you do.

You do not need to make the required changes all at once. By taking control and assessing your life right now you can decide a timetable for change, how to make that change, what kind of help you will need to carry out the change and so forth. Just having that plan and knowing you are the one that will make that happen sets you on your way to a much better emotional place.

You may still feel anxiety but you can normalize it by knowing you are getting it under control. There are many techniques, strategies and programs that can help you with that. The hope that you can fix your life will help you start to climb up out of the depression you may have fallen into. Deciding how you will spend your time will relieve much of the frustration you are feeling.

This won’t come about immediately in terms of having the perfect plan, plans change direction and grow based on how you are doing and what you are finding works for you or not. Each little piece that you put in place brings you closer to the goal.

Are You Stuck in the Blame Game?

Audrey Sherman, Ph.D.

Dr. Audrey Sherman is a licensed psychologist, coach and the author of the book Dysfunction Interrupted-How to Quickly Overcome Depression, Anxiety and Anger Starting Now. Her expertise is in defining, describing and transforming dysfunctional behavior and thought patterns learned in childhood or beyond that keep you anxious, depressed, angry, stuck in unhappy and unproductive relationships, jobs and more. Dr. Sherman developed the Dysfunctional Patterns Quiz and other free resources to help you determine the effects of these on your life. She works with individuals, conducts live and online workshops and trains others in her programs. To learn more about Dr. Sherman, you can visit her website.

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APA Reference
Sherman, A. (2018). Are You Stuck in the Blame Game?. Psych Central. Retrieved on September 25, 2020, from


Last updated: 4 Jun 2018
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