43 thoughts on “Suicide Isn’t About Wanting to Die

  • May 27, 2015 at 6:21 pm

    I find this just very one sided. You leave out a very large group and what I experience is a pain… that you cannot fix or will end. My husband died.. he was my life… my love… my family and my closest friend. I cannot cure this. The pain gets more as the time goes. I think about dying by suicide every day. I need to be with him and my faith says I will. So I am not depressed.. I am in a grief that will not end. The pain will not cure and being I am it.. no one else.. I find the need to join him may one day out weigh anything else. All who die by suicide are not suffering mental illness. Many die from deep grief and loss. You see their are no pill or cure and every morning you wake up you must relive that loss. So the pain never ends. You have to decide this is not the day but maybe tomorrow the pain will win…

    Reply
    • May 28, 2015 at 1:03 pm

      You raise a very good point. I did not address grief in this article, and perhaps should have. Though grief is not a mental illness, it’s shares many similarities with depression. You are convinced that your pain will not end, just as a person with depression may be convinced of the same thing.
      Undoubtedly, many people who lose a spouse or child experiences a grief so profound that it seems impossible ever to recover from it. And yet, they do, if they give it a chance. Time heals, of course, but there is also grief counseling, which many have found very helpful in easing their pain.
      I absolutely feel for you, and am so sorry for your loss. And I thank you for your comment. To me, it indicates that there is a part of you that knows that this pain is not insurmountable, no matter how devastating it is at the moment. I hope you embrace that part of you, because there are others in the world who don’t want to lose you.

      Best, Gabe 🙂

      Reply
  • May 27, 2015 at 6:23 pm

    This is an outstanding article, Gabe. Thank you for articulating what so many people have such a hard time saying.

    All the best,

    Nicole

    Reply
  • May 27, 2015 at 7:00 pm

    As someone who has been to the dark places of my insides, I really don’t care for the saying “Depression/sadness is temporary, suicide is forever.” By the time you no longer wish to be here, that temporary sadness has been going on a LONG time. If someone said that to me during my dark times, I would have told them to fudge off. That pain may be temporary, but when you can’t remember happiness, temporary feels like forever.

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    • May 28, 2015 at 1:00 pm

      Alecia – I agree with you 100% — while that statement is true, it is NOT helpful to say to someone who is suicidal. People have said that to me — and I believe I did tell them to fudge off. 🙂 You raise an excellent point. Thank you for reading and commenting. ~Gabe

      Reply
  • May 27, 2015 at 11:19 pm

    Thank you for making me feel I’m not the only person who lives with and understands this. You have,described depression and wanting to die perfectly.stay strong. Remember those bad feelings,we have are an illusion. We have to always tell ourselves that the bad is temporary

    Reply
    • May 28, 2015 at 12:59 pm

      Donna, you are not alone. Thank you for reading and commenting. 🙂 Gabe

      Reply
  • May 28, 2015 at 3:27 am

    After many, many years of major depression, anxiety disorder and diagnosis of an life-threatening 20 yr illness of Chronic Hep B (no, not from IV drug use) I received a liver transplant that was unsuccessful and the new liver is now, after only 4 years, cirrhotic and failing. The doctors tell me it was not my fault, nor was it theirs. Since the complications set in, they have done nothing to help me, except prescribe more anti-rejection drugs and prednisone, which have grave mental side effects.At 58, within the past 6 months, it was brought to my attention by my psychiatrist that I needed therapy for unresolved childhood trauma…that is, emotional abuse (since my first day on earth) by my very cruel narcissistic parents. Now I feel fully hopeless. Attempts to get away from my parents (I need transportation to/from necessary appys in order to stay alive, so I must maintain contact with them. I have limited disability income and no outside support. It is interaction with my parents who have systematically decimated my self-trust, my self-respect and my self-confidence that prompt me to suicidal thoughts. These thoughts are a symptom of the depression and more specifically result from a desire to end the pain and to resolve the feeling of being trapped. Lack of support from transplant team, and necessary retainment of contact with parents who avail any means to keep me hung up on them and dependent are, on each occurrence, one more re-traumatization. So, yes, suicidal thoughts have for me become compulsions to end the pain and end the entrapment. Had it not been for my belief in God not condoning suicide and the love of my cat, I would be dead. Then again, my death would give parents more ammunition to use against me, even after I’m gone. The suicidal ideations have become compulsions, not necessarily planned out or premeditated. And no, I will not tell anyone I know of this. Lord knows they’ve seen the signs.

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    • May 28, 2015 at 12:57 pm

      Thank you, Lola, for reading and commenting. It means a lot. ~Gabe

      Reply
  • May 28, 2015 at 3:32 am

    If you are not afraid to die….. Why not jump on a plane and see South America..first. Than if your still not dead ..how about joining the bounty at Sydney cove and sail the South China Sea like the Pirates use to do….. If you survive that there is the train to Siberia ,, visit China by motor bike ….. Now we have the Middle East that is like a fascinating place to visit…. Your wish to die might just come true in there ..don,t die for nothing take some bastard with you…..join a cause ….. There is Israel and the Palestinian cause ..pick one ..running of money traffic guns in Africa…. I’m sure all of those is a solution to your state of mind….

    Reply
    • May 28, 2015 at 12:56 pm

      Hello Fluffgirl1941 – Thank you for reading and commenting. I am not sure about a response to your suggestion, except to say that life has a lot of value. A LOT OF VALUE and I don’t want to see anyone lose their life for any reason. Big hugs. ~Gabe

      Reply
    • June 24, 2015 at 1:50 pm

      Strange how i have been sitting in the same place all morning paralyzed with sadness, I just came across this by accident. i have attempted suicide several times. Did i want to die?, sometimes absolutely. Most of the time I just could not endure the pain any longer. After 10 years of endless mental health interventions, nothing can prevent depression from rearing its ugly head frequently.
      So on days like this when I am very sad and havent slept four nights my judgement is impaired and my thoughts dark. I have been told and is often effective, hold on one more day and see how you feel. repeat repeat etc Often the urges dissipate. the trouble w hotlines is I have had police cars pull up to my house for all to see. So no more hotlines.
      Don’t want to disclose to therapist or psych doc they will hospitalize me and then my depression will turn to panic.
      So what is one to do with these feelings of being unable to endure this recurring deep pain? My choices in the past led to police and hospitals, no more of that for me. I really don’t think I can deal much longer

      Reply
      • July 3, 2015 at 10:02 am

        icunurse – You are very important. Please call the national suicide hotline at (800) 273-8255. If you are in immediate risk of suicide, please don’t hesitate to call 9-1-1.

        You matter and cannot be replaced. ((hugs)) ~Gabe

        Reply
  • May 28, 2015 at 7:25 am

    I believe the above comment is a little insensitive considering what this blog is about. Fortunatly they have not known what it is like to contemplate killing yourself. This is something I struggle with. It truely is about ending the pain. I myself graduated from college with a degree and a job which was great but I suffered and injury and couldn’t do the work anymore. I didn’t love what i used to love anymore and I was in extreme pain from my back. Everyday I drove home I contemplated driving my car into a tree to kill myself. The main reason I didn’t do it was because I figured my car would probably protect me and I would survive. I would also feel bad about killing myself when my parents and family had spent all this time, money and love to raise me and I repaid them that way. I don’t seriously consider it an option but when things get rought the thought always comes up. Its hard to be motivated to do anything. I’ve recently joined several organizations that get together and I’m hoping developing some friendships will make life more worth it.

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    • May 28, 2015 at 12:49 pm

      Hi .ancona .i didn,t mean to be insensitive ,,if you knew my childhood in Belgium with parents who didn,t want to go to work ….you would see that I have suffer a lot from depression….. As soon as I found out that people could migrated to Australia for free in the 60 off I went…. Now I don,t remenber why I was so depresses I was only 21.”” There is a solution somewhere ….. And I really beleive that most people don,t want to die…. Since than I had a son that I raise on my own I had cancer in the colon 25 years ago …… And my motto now is when things get tough ..get tougher .we are not here long death will come soon enough ….. I wish you well

      Reply
    • May 28, 2015 at 12:54 pm

      Thank you for reading and commenting, Ancona, it means a lot to have these conversations. Hugs, Gabe

      Reply
  • May 28, 2015 at 9:51 am

    I wanted to just thank u for ur blog or just ur input and advice about suicide. I am dealing with someone in my life that’s very close to me that has these days and all the feelings u described I wrote most of it done in the hopes of talking to him about it and trying to get him help or both of us help because it’s very hard living and dealing with someone that has such severe depression along with I no some other kind of mental illness which I think is also bipolar and he has bad case of OCD and that comes from a long line in his family. I have finally got him a Dr. Appointment today I’m hoping that the Dr. Will listen to us or him. Either wY and get something started for him soon and it works the first time around and not have to see him go thru the torture of it not work

    Reply
    • May 28, 2015 at 12:51 pm

      Thank you, Queen Bee, for reading and commenting. I am glad you liked this article and I appreciate your kind words. Hugs, Gabe

      Reply
  • May 28, 2015 at 10:47 am

    I tried to commit suicide 6 times between the ages of about 25-55 years of age. I had my first major depressive episode @17.
    I found that besides the overwhelming thoughts you describe so well, I found that I also thought during those dark times that my children, family, friends, and the planet in general would be better off. Your thoughts are so dark, and seeing the pain in my loved ones eyes as I sufferd , I thought their pain would stop too if I was gone. Just goes to show just how mistaken those thoughts are in that moment. TRUTH? If I had succeeded…their pain would really have just begun.
    I have come a very long way since my last attempt in 2012, and even as I deal with a depressive episode for the past few weeks. I WILL NOT go to that particular place again.

    Reply
    • May 28, 2015 at 12:50 pm

      Thank you, GrannyNell, for reading and commenting and congratulations on your success. PLEASE keep fighting. You matter a lot to this world. 🙂 ~Gabe

      Reply
  • May 28, 2015 at 12:45 pm

    Thank you for this very honest,open thought provoking article.I am in my 40’s & have tried to commit suicide about 8 times,during the last 20 years or so after my first child was born.I was diagnosed as having postpartum depression after he was born,then depression,then,many years later bi-polar w/ a wide array of other mental illness diagnoses such as delusions.Often times I was “caught” in the act & stopped by my ex-husband,passerby & once even a deputy that was driving by.Have been hospitalized many times.I never had a thought out plan,but usually act quite impulsively.I have been known to drink too much to self medicate,but found that this usually clouds my thinking further & I become more impulsive & self-destructive.I even had my daughter taken away when she was 3 & I became delusional & decided we should “go for a drive” & become angels together.I was going to drive off a cliff.This is when the deputy saw me.I honestly don’t remember much about that day,this is what was written in the police report.After being stabilized & getting much better,getting counseling & taking my meds regularly,there was a plan to get her back.After long court battles,many years later & getting better,she was adopted by her foster family at age 7.This blind sighted me & set me back in a downward spiral.Since she was taken (about 4 years ago),I have tried to commit suicide at least 4 more times.It’s almost like clockwork,once a year.My oldest child is grown now.I didn’t want to live past 40 & didn’t want to live without my children.I am not having a pity party,I Do want my children to be happy,but perhaps my thinking is still not clear on things as it should be.Maybe mental illness is a life-long battle.Maybe an angel was watching over us that day(especially her! ),perhaps it was the deputy? Anyways not everything fits into a nice little package w/ a neat bow on top.Everyone is different.If depression is temporary,at least half my life & the torment & guilt is everyday,I wonder how much worse Hell can be?

    Reply
    • May 28, 2015 at 12:49 pm

      Thank you so much for reading and commenting. Conversations like this matter and it is important that you know how important you are to the world. Hugs, Gabe

      Reply
      • May 28, 2015 at 1:00 pm

        Thank you Gabe,you seem like a very kind soul.I was afraid to be so open & raw,but it’s nice to come here & not be judged.I do that enough myself & my children probably do as well.My own childhood situation was somewhat similar to the above mentioned,so some of it may have stuck with me.But I love & forgive my parents as I hope my kids will for me someday.Your kind words have lifted me up today,sometimes that’s what we need most.I have a feeling today will be a better day…

        Reply
  • May 28, 2015 at 3:50 pm

    to me suicide would be hurting the ones I love one more time and would let me end this history of past mistakes and have a chance to come back again and do things differently so I could be born pure and innocent again and possibly be born into a family with a mother who had values morals and was loving and would never take her child’s innocence away one who would teach me about being a woman and the things that r a part of becoming a grown woman. A mother to be proud of not ashamed of.

    Reply
  • May 28, 2015 at 4:00 pm

    The stigma surrounding suicide is very strong. People do not understand if they don’t go through it. The emotional pain of a mental illness can be unbearable. I truly felt no other way out, desperate for relief I overdosed. I was obviously unsuccessful. I was very upset that I woke up at all. Severe bipolar disorder has taken so much from me and I didn’t feel like I could handle the ups and downs anymore. It is very hard to believe things will get better. But, the more I read blogs from real people like you, the more I can start to believe. Thanks.

    Reply
  • May 29, 2015 at 12:21 am

    I do not find that in my situation that my depression and suicidal thoughts are temporary. My family and friends know what I’m going through, but no one except my daughter truly makes any effort to help. I want to die every day to end my pain and the burden I feel I’ve become to others. The ONLY reason I am still here is to save my daughter from the pain & guilt she would feel if I followed through with my desire to end my suffering. She lost a close friend to suicide and we’ve both suffered that pain and guilt. I know how it feels and affects the survivors. That is the only reason I’m still here and continuing to suffer my pain every day. You cannot even fathom how hopeless and miserable my life is. I see no end. What do you do when you cannot even afford a therapist or psychiatrist?

    Reply
    • June 1, 2015 at 12:29 am

      Imhate to say his but those of is who are suffering terminally from mental illness day in and day out and cannot relate to the world, death would be a welcome gift.m It does not get better for so,e of is as it is more than a chemical imbalance. I am sick and tired of hearing that it can get better and that it’s a cry for help. so,e of us want to cry for help to end our misery once and for all but doctors and psychiatrists do not believe in ending life, rather, allow those of us to continue to suffer day in and day out. enough is enough….we need someone from Dignitasmof Switzerlqnd to hear our plea. Not every mental illness is curable via cognitive behavior or psychiatric medication but the doctors just don’t get it!!!!!

      Reply
    • June 1, 2015 at 12:33 am

      Wrik! I think or believe you and I fall in the same boat as I feel the same way as you do. some forms of mental illness are incurable but the doctors and or psychiatrists just don’t get it….we want and or need out especially since I am not a contributing member to society!!!!!

      Look at my comments following your open discussion on the topic!!!!!

      Reply
  • June 1, 2015 at 7:13 pm

    I have to strongly disagree with your statement that “Depression is temporary: suicide is permanent”. I’ll grant you that suicide is permanent, but to say that depression is temporary is just…just pedantic. For some of us, there is no reprieve from the darkness that is depression. Sure perhaps there is a momentary one, but that’s all it is, momentary. For some of us, medications do not work. For some of us, ECT does not work. This is not to say that we have given up, but do not trivialize depression by saying that it is temporary. I do understand that you are speaking from your own experience and for you it may very well have been temporary. For you, that is good. For you, I am happy. One day for me and others like me, perhaps the reprieve will be more than momentary.

    Reply
  • June 1, 2015 at 9:46 pm

    Thank you for your article. In some ways you managed to normalize some of my feelings. I have also fought it off and on for years. Some of what you write about is exactly how I have felt in the past. It helps to know some of the things I have and sometimes still do feel are almost the same things felt by others. I’m sure what got us there are different stories. I have envied those that could take their life. Because the pain is too much. When you talk about people saying no one would miss them, I’m familiar with that. I’ve argued with others about this. I still don’t think anyone would miss me. I don’t have anyone in my life and therefore how can anyone miss me when I am not in their everyday life? Sure they’d feel guilt and they’d be sad for a while but then they would forget about me. I think the place I and others who contemplate suicide are in is a very precarious place to be, so I can understand and agree that depression can be temporary. It might go away, but it may come back. For me it is like walking a tightrope sometimes. I’m ok for awhile and then events occur and I start dwelling on these things and then I’m back in a dark place. Understand I am OK. I am not contemplating anything. I am receiving help with my thoughts and feelings. I just felt compelled to respond. When you are in the midst of the pain, you do just want the pain to end.

    Reply
  • June 3, 2015 at 5:45 pm

    Gabe

    great article, well written….sure sounds like u know what you are talking about.

    My case though….and I’m not thinking it at the moment, but tried a few times…..when the state has been torturing you for fifteen years……you know the thing worse than death is being taken alive again. So when u got heavily armed psycopaths in the process of battering their way into your home, hopefully with the intention of killing you….but probably fa worse, taken alive again then suicide really is your best option. personally i reckon it’s probably 50 50 whether the knife goes in one fo them first or me…..but most likely freeze like startled rabbit in headlights again….:-( so logically with no way out, best to do it now….logically……but since when have human beings logical? it’s the kind of circular argument these psychos like to torture people with….

    there is no other answer is there?

    Reply
    • June 3, 2015 at 8:27 pm

      Thank you, Jake. The answers you seek are difficult and I do wish I knew them. I believe we all wish we did. I am truly sorry you and struggling and I, too, dislike the circular logic that sometimes we get stuck in. Major hugs, my friend. ~Gabe

      Reply
  • June 19, 2015 at 12:18 am

    Awesome, awesome, awesome article! Well said. Wish i could of brought this to my follow up appointment the other day and showed to my Dr. Who said isn’t there a more constructive way to deal with your emotions….like jogging or walking….i told him someone who hasn’t been there does not understand. Loved this article. And i try hard almost every day to hold onto tomorrow and still afraid for those days when i feel like i won’t. Thank you for sharing this

    Reply
    • July 3, 2015 at 10:03 am

      THANK YOU Marjorie. You are #awesomepotatoes! Thank you for reading and commenting. Hugs, Gabe

      Reply
  • June 19, 2015 at 6:53 am

    After years of depression compounded by finding out my ex husband had been leading a double life, I too attempted to end my life, the pain of living had just become too much to bear to the point of having an ischemic event due to my broken spirit. I was put into a facility on a hold and forced into therapy and onto four different kinds of depression medicine. After being released that time my health insurance carrier would do wellness checks by phone and would constantly ask me if I was feeling suicidal or contemplating suicide that day, my answer was always the same, “I never wanted to die, I just wanted the pain to stop”. Thank you for understanding and stating that which you did. Within a year I had left my husband of thirty years and began living on my own. During that time I continued therapy but started to gradually withdraw from the antidepressants and when I admitted to my psychiatrist what I was doing he was very upset with me, understandably. I think part of the problem was that he didn’t know me before as a successful businesswoman, investor and mother, he only saw me as being broken. After three years I was completely off the meds and said goodbye to therapy, my time alone was the best therapy I could have ever had, I took care of me instead of everyone else, I made my recovery my priority. Even as I sit here and type this it’s hard for me to look back at that time and realize just how close I had come to ending it, my life is so good now.

    Reply
  • June 25, 2015 at 2:24 pm

    I love your article – it hits on all the points of why I/others contemplate suicide. I truly believe part of wanting to end it all is from weariness. I became so weary of feeling sad, helpless, hopeless. It is bone, soul-sucking weariness. When feeling like that – who cares that suicide is permanent? We are screaming for relief. I have lost a grandfather and uncle to suicide, and they were tired of life – it (to their mind) offered nothing to worth living for. I want to be stronger than that, but I do understand why suicide happens.

    Gabe, you write with such heart, and this woman appreciates it more than you can imagine.

    Reply
    • July 3, 2015 at 10:00 am

      OllieB – That means so much to me. You have no idea. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you. ((hugs)) ~Gabe

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  • November 28, 2015 at 3:14 pm

    I have suffered from depression since 1985. It’s like living a lonely and meaningless life. My depression has gotten so bad that I really don’t care if I live or die. Right now I have a stash of meds that I am keeping for when I want to do it. The only thing that is stopping me is my 2 old cats. I have no friends or family that are close that I can talk to and I don’t want them to know antways.I hate the holidays because it makes my depression worse.My Father died in May and he was the only one that ever visited me. Life is hell and I hate it. I have no reason to go on.Depression and suicide go hand in hand. My Mother suffered from depression and she hated her life and she just gave up and passed away at the age of 58.So many things go on in your mind when you suffer from depression. So many things that you don’t want anyone else to know because they don’t care anyways.I hate my life and this world.

    Reply
  • December 2, 2015 at 3:14 pm

    I know someone with a chronic pain condition, and depression. Both of these conditions fluctuate, but she is never not in pain and never not depressed, partly as a consequence of the pain. She often says that she wants out of her body – she doesn’t want to not exist, she just wants to not be in pain for a while every now and then. It’s so hard to tell her that it’s all temporary – it’s true, but she feel better so little of the time that her quality of life is suffering greatly. And it’s not like she doesn’t look for the little things, either. She recognises when she gets a tiny bit of pleasure from putting two jigsaw pieces together. Her life is extremely limited, and despite medication, and the physio exercises she does, and all the cognitive work she has done, there’s still hardly anything to look forward to, because it hasn’t made that much difference. Unfortunately, her life expectancy is normal, so she can expect another 40 or so years lingering around, getting slowly worse, on top of the 25 years she has already spent being unwell and miserable. It hurts her and it hurts me to watch it happen to her and be mostly helpless. AND YET – she toils on. She has so much tenacity. She keeps trying to get better. And I’m proud of her. This is NOT to guilt anyone else into doing ANYTHING, or trying harder than they can.

    Everyone has their own issues, we are all unique, we can all cope to different degrees. If she was to suicide, and I don’t WANT her to, it would hurt like hell – but I would understand. I’ve had chronic back troubles, but even that has not hurt ALL the time, and I suffer from depression, but not all the time. (And I’m not suggesting that if you have pain and depression that you should commit suicide necessarily – as I say, everyone is unique, you have to look at these things on a case by case basis). I see her suffer and endure every day and if she says that she can’t stand it any more after 12 years of pain programs, pills, and psychiatry… It feels impossible to tell her to keep trying. Life is supposed to be challenging (as someone with schizo-affective disorder, I really get that!), but bloody hell… Yeah, it’s a really tough situation.

    Reply
  • July 5, 2016 at 4:30 am

    If one has reached middle age, has no family left, and no children, and makes plans for the suicide so it is as mess-less as possible, and distributes his or her estate in advance to charity, and realizes his carbon and Social Security footprint will terminate thus not depriving others, I would consider it “selfless” rather than “selfish.”

    Reply
    • July 5, 2016 at 8:54 am

      Hello Michael,

      I’ve never been one to blame someone who dies by suicide. I don’t consider it selfish or selfless or anything other than a tragic loss. Life has value and death — any death — is tragic and sad. If you are considering suicide please seek help. There is only one you and you will be missed.

      National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255

      Gabe Howard

      Reply
  • October 4, 2016 at 11:56 am

    Suicide ideation is very common with people how have depression, and women in Afghanistan have major depression because of having to marry someone they don’t know and being beat and abused by men.

    Reply
 

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