Confessions of a Bipolar Blogger
I think the hardest thing about baring your soul on a piece of paper is doing just that, baring it on a piece of paper, but the hardest thing about baring your soul to the internet community is (and essentially, the world) is that there is a very real possibility that nobody will care.
I’ve sat back with excitement, anxiety, frustration, depression, manic-like highs, and now depressive-like lows mixed with manic energy while oddly balanced, and find myself enlightened.
I’ve never been a person who’s been able to focus on one project at a time and since I’ve started this blog, I’ve had the opportunity to speak in a school, counsel again, visit old friends, and have been given the beautiful insight that this 6 month of not meeting my goal (1-2 posts a week) was not wholly for all of you, but for me.
I said I would share my journey with you and I’ve walked with the belief I had failed to do just that—share my journey. But, that could not be any further from the truth. I have shared my journey. My past, my present, and hopes for my future. There are tasks that I’ve set to do (like interview people for the blog), hire an editor, write more, and I’ve always been distracted, got off topic, or run towards some new and exciting idea. Big planning, little follow through—the Bipolar way.
I never knew what to say to the world that I felt so sure I had something to say to. Now, I realize my voice is not for the world. It never was. That was my dream. That was my hope. My voice isn’t for the world, it’s for the voice-less.
My voice is for those who can’t speak for themselves because they don’t even know what to say: the mentally ill, the pained, hurting, depressed, spiritually lacking; for anyone who needs assurance and to be reminded day after day that they matter because, if I can confess, I need that. I need to know when I get up and look in the mirror that I can find the strength to live, survive, and sometimes—fight the day. I need to know that this life matters more than the suicidal thoughts that can sometimes cloud my thinking, my heart, and my soul. I need to be reminded, daily, that—I matter.
I need reminded that I matter and have the innate potential to be the best version of myself. I’ve witnessed too many friends, family, and even myself, give up after a failure, setback, or minor defeat. I’m sorry for thinking that I can be so much more than someone who’s experienced defeat, but you’ll never say of me that I’ve been defeated. My whole life I’ve been cracked in the jaw, but I don’t stay down. I get back up, each and every time, especially when someone tells me “You can’t.” My response, “Watch me.”
So what does that mean for the blog? I really don’t know. I feel like my mind has changed 100 different ways since starting this project with hopes and dreams of a lot of shares, invitations to blog for money, and opportunities to share great messages. Well, my “great” message of bipolar-like grandiosity is this: it’s all about perspective.
A friend of mine from my Psychology program recently taught me something about giving up and is, possibly, going to be guest blogging in the next few weeks. She’s going to share her current struggle and victories over Breast Cancer. Her story put my story into a greater perspective and hopefully will inspire you to find yourself in her story, too.
It’s never as bad as you think.
We need each other (for perspective, support, and life)
Adversity causes us to grow or we shrivel from apathy
Be willing to work with your illness, embrace it, and live in spite of it. Many people die long before they die. Life is meant to be lived not survived. Never let hope abandon you.
I may have failed to commit, but I am not committed to failing.
Confession truly is good for the soul.
With a posture of honesty,