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Compassion Can’t Be Hacked

Your worthiness is independent of others. I’m OK, You are OK. Period.

This means that while people can do and say horrible things, and you may have very strong negative reactions to their behaviors, their behaviors don’t define your OK-ness. Neither do your behaviors define their OK-ness. Worthiness can’t be hacked without your consent.

Your identity is interdependent with others. You exist within relationships, roles, and connections.

This means that people care about the impact of behavior. It matters how we act because relationships matter.

Drama is all about hacking identity and worthiness, and manipulating them as weapons. Drama deceives you into believing one of these three fake news stories:

  1. I’m OK, You are Not OK because you are stupid, lazy, uncommitted, boring, or weak.
  2. I’m not OK, You are OK because I am stupid, lazy, uncommitted, boring, or weak.
  3. I’m OK, you would be OK if you’d accept my help and appreciate how smart and capable I am.

The only way to be worthy AND interdependent is through compassion – the process of struggling with others in a spirit of dignity.

Drama orchestrates an adversarial struggle to confuse and mislead people. Compassion embraces the invitation to struggle with others by accepting these truths:

  1. I am OK, you are OK, even if we are different.
  2. Our behaviors affect each other and it’s OK to talk about that.
  3. Our identity is co-created, so we have the opportunity, privilege, and obligation, to make something amazing together.

I’m OK, You are OK.

Behavior matters because relationships matter.

You can struggle with others instead of against them and co-create an identity that measures up to your worthiness.

Compassion can’t be hacked.

Things To Ponder

  • How do you define worthiness and identity?
  • What false beliefs do you have that let your worthiness get hacked?
  • What could change if you accepted the three truths of compassion?
Compassion Can’t Be Hacked

Nathan Regier

Nate Regier, PhD is CEO and Co-founding owner of Next Element, a global leadership communication firm specializing in building cultures of Compassionate Accountability®. A former practicing clinical psychologist, Dr. Regier splits his time between writing, speaking, training, consulting, and developing Next Element's global network of certified trainers. He is co-developer of the Leading Out of Drama® training and coaching system for positive conflict, and has authored two books on drama and conflict; Beyond Drama: Transcending Energy Vampires, and Conflict Without Casualties: A Field Guide For Leading With Compassionate Accountability. Nate is a certifying master trainer in the Process Communication Model®. He lives in Newton, KS, is married and has three daughters. Learn more about Conflict Without Casualties here.

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APA Reference
Regier, N. (2019). Compassion Can’t Be Hacked. Psych Central. Retrieved on September 21, 2020, from


Last updated: 4 Feb 2019
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