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Common Humanity
with Dana Belletiere, LICSW, MSED

General

Stop “Shoulding” All Over Yourself: A Few Thoughts on the Moralizing of Food & Eating.

One of the most interesting parts of being a therapist that specializes in disordered eating is becoming intimately familiar with the "shoulds." Disordered eating patterns appeal to those of us that feel safe in the regimen of rules, and quell our near-constant anxiety with the promise that, as long as we keep doing things in a precise and "right" way, things will turn out okay. When our inner Rebel turns up and pushes us outside the confines of our prescribed "should" behaviors, we experience shame and guilt. Sometimes we punish ourselves.
"Shoulds" are powerful little suckers. 


General

Confrontation: On (not) Saying What We Need, Out Loud (under our breath, to ourselves)

marybettiniblank/pixabay

The challenge of direct and healthy communication is a regular topic that comes up in therapy sessions (and in daily life, for all of us). Sometimes, we find ourselves mired accidentally in reality tv-worthy dramas. Unnecessary disputes result from assumptions made but never expressed. Differing opinions aren’t fully unpacked and people assume the worst of one another. Sometimes, unfortunately, there is an (un)healthy dose of silent treatment with which to contend. 

Straightforward communication...


General

In Pursuit Of Real Health: Why Dieting Isn’t “Healthy”.


 

One of the more pervasive (and exasperating) ideas I hear in therapy sessions is the notion of pursuing weight loss and dieting in the name of "health." I am speaking specifically about the vast sea of us that are otherwise perfectly medically healthy, but, for one reason or another (ahem, cultural pressures and social media, ahem), are looking to diets to change our size and make ourselves smaller. We inevitably frame this as "eating healthy" or "getting healthy." In my experience, it's rare that health is the outcome of dieting practices.

Health is physical, emotional, and mental. When we place all of the emphasis on the pursuit of "health" purely as it relates to the size and shape of our bodies, we rob ourselves of the significant health benefits of socialization, spontaneity, fun, and flexibility. We corner ourselves into a regimen that robs us of the joy in life. 


General

On My Nana’s Funeral, When They Showed Up.


When my Nana died, I told my husband that he didn't have to come to the funeral with me. I'd made peace with her passing some time before, and I felt confident that the funeral would be more of an exercise in paying my respects than a major emotional experience in which I'd need support. And, since we live far away, it made more sense for him to stay home, go to work, take care of our cats - in the scope of things, it didn't seem to me like a situation that required an escort. So, he stayed, and I went alone. 


Anxiety

Should I Throw In The Towel? 3 Signs That It’s Time To Quit.


I am solidly pro-quitting. Simply put, as a therapist, I have seen too many individuals wasting too much time on things that they feel they  "should" be doing. Jobs, hobbies, friendships. Exercise regimens. Diets. High school students sleeping five hours or less to engage in "extra-curriculars" that they no longer love, or even enjoy, to meet some arbitrary college admissions standard. "Quit 'em all!" is my impulse suggestion. Yes, I realize my advice might not be realistic. And, for obvious reasons, it is not often met with enthusiasm.


General

On Good Guys & Bad Guys: Can We Learn to Love Our Flaws?


 

I am a big fan of superhero stories. A good superhero story, well done, achieves the difficult feat of making a deeply flawed, sometimes outright unlikeable individual relatable - someone that you want to cheer on, someone that you want to succeed. In the best superhero stories, there is a very fine line between the heroes and the villains - should the story be told the other way round, the villain might just as easily become the hero. Goodness and badness are blurred - every character contains pieces of both. 


General

Pick Yourself! On Attending To Your Own Self-Care First .




Not very many years ago at all, I found myself at a crossroads. I was working at a job that was highly fulfilling and meaningful, but also grueling, exhausting, and crisis-oriented. I wanted badly to continue doing important work, but found my own health and self-care failing as I tried to keep up. If I was to remain in that position, it would mean making physical, emotional, and financial sacrifices over time, truly letting my own needs go in the process. So I went rogue.
I picked myself. 


General

Black Sheep: When Our People Are Not Our People


We kind of land wherever we land in this life, and it doesn't always make a great deal of sense.

We are born to certain people, in particular neighborhoods, in cities or suburbs, into cultures and value and religious systems, and we don't really get a whole lot of say in the matter. We just sort of end up somewhere, and sometimes, the people with whom we've landed aren't really Our People.