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Common Humanity
with Dana Belletiere, LICSW, MSED

Best Practices in Therapy

For Clinicians, The Very Best That We Can Offer to Clients is Ourselves


As clinicians, we are built from the ground up to disregard ourselves. This begins in our training process, when we are instructed on how to listen well to someone. It is made clear that we are ears, not mouths. We’re warned not to bring too much of ourselves into session with us, so as to keep a trained and steady focus on the most important story in the room: the story belonging to the client.


Be On Purpose

On Changing & Adapting: Four Ways to Nurture Healthy Relationships

Rawpixel/Pixabay

For whatever reason, psychotherapists are assumed to be masters at navigating relationships. I completely understand this assumption, since we talk about relational health and vulnerability and honesty all day, but I’ve frankly never seen it play out in real life (certainly not in my own life, anyway). Our relationships are as challenging and nuanced and messy and human as everyone else’s - and because we spend all day talking about relationships, we don’t...


Boundaries

On the Scary Business of Asking for What We Want and Need, Over and Over Again.



Stocksnap/Pixabay
As an adult person, I’ve developed a reputation for saying a bit more than is always necessary. When I was a teenager and very wrapped up in a rather cult-y church situation, I made sure never to share anything with anybody, including even small bits about myself. I was a master secret keeper, convinced that it was my religious duty to keep my gaze focused on others and away...


General

Survival Mode: 4 Things to do When Times Get Rough


Life is good. There is lots of room for travel, for friends, for Vitamin D and sunshine, for self-exploration and contemplation and laughter and dessert. This is Growth Mode - a period of expansion and stretching out into myself, and I’m grateful for it because I know times don’t always feel like this. There are the grow-y, stretch-y, expand-y times, and on the opposite end, there are the constrict-y, just-get-through-the-day, working-hard-to-breathe times. Neither can exist without the other, and it’s important that we welcome them both. 

At the other end of Growth Mode lies Survival Mode, in which things feel so difficult that we lose touch with all of our higher aspirations on Maslow’s hierarchy, and find ourselves instead struggling to attend to our most basic needs. Survival Mode pops up when work stress becomes untenable, when relationships fall apart, when health crises occur, when families fight and break into pieces. When we find ourselves there, taking care of the basics becomes essential. Here’s what to attend to, when Survival Mode inevitably kicks in.


Change

Itch, Itch, Itch


 

The thought that life could be better is woven indelibly into our hearts and our brains. - Paul Simon

My blood is alive with many voices telling me that I am made of longing. - Rainer Maria Rilke

Last night my husband and I went out for Indian food at our local favorite place. I was super, very, extremely hungry and knew immediately that a samosa and a big plate of korma were the perfect fixes. My husband, who likes to take his time with every decision, very much took his time with his ordering. After the waitress left for the third time so he could continue to contemplate the merits and deficits of various naan varieties, and the hefty choice that is aloo gobi versus matar paneer, I felt like I was going to crawl out of my skin. “Just pick a thing. Seriously. No one is going to die here,” I said in a measured, clenchy-teeth sort of way. I mean, except maybe him. By way of me. And my impatience. 

Of course, I am well aware that this has little to do with him, and his ordering and decision-making style. This is about me, and the impulse that arises periodically in me do all of the things and pick all of the choices and change all of the rules. It’s the Part that says that if he (or whomever) could just get on board, we could go make a big and wonderful adventure (or have a big and wonderful dinner, as the case may be). It’s Itch time. 


Be On Purpose

Doing The Next Right Thing


I wrote recently about choice-making. Here’s why: I find myself at an influx in several ways - I’m unsure of where to land, who I’m going to land there with, and the very important question of what exactly to do next. I am lucky that I have too many rather than too few ideas. While I’ve loved living in a New England “city” in many ways, a recent trip to Philadelphia confirmed that I miss the food and the sounds and the art and the community of a CITY city. I feel ready to go back, I think. Right? Hmmm. 

Not knowing what’s next is a Scary thing. It is on the list of the most anxiety-producing things for those of us that love to hold onto control in the name of self-preservation. When we don’t know what’s next, we can’t prepare ourselves adequately for possible outcomes, and so we have to sit in the discomfort of the Not Knowing. My clients don’t tend to like this, and I don’t tend to, either. 


Be On Purpose

The Scary And Beautiful Gift of Change

In a conversation on the phone today, my best friend said something brilliant and noteworthy. (He is given to doing this on a whim). He said, “A great many people have compromised their souls in the name of safety and security.” (Told you it was smart. And yes, he actually talks this way, which is one of the reasons why he is fabulous and I love him). And I agree with him - so many of us fear the uncertainty and pain of growth and change to such a degree that we sometimes fight very hard to keep things the same, often sacrificing important budding pieces of ourselves in the process. Of course, I relate to this feeling- though change excites me, it also terrifies me. I fear the prospect of not knowing how things will turn out, and I am not enthusiastic about diving into a story if I don't know that it has a happy ending tied up with a pretty bow. 


Acts of Service

How Much Do We Deserve?


Within my work as a therapist, I’ve had the privilege of meeting countless incredibly selfless and generous individuals - Givers, all of them. Perhaps it’s because I specialize in treating Anxiety, which tends to align closely Shame and Guilt. Those guys don’t make it easy to invest in one’s self-interest very well (or really, at all). 


Be On Purpose

Get Motivated: Using Lists to Create a Balanced Daily Schedule


I don’t really like the word “motivate” at all. To me, it seems like a dressed-up “should,” which is on my least-favorite-words list, and carries with it a sense of dread and obligation: I need to motivate myself to go jogging. You need to motivate yourself to do your homework. Let’s get motivated to clean the house. None of these things sound particularly inspiring (to me, anyway. If you love cleaning, kudos to you. Also please feel free to come over and sprinkle your motivated cleaning magic all over my house anytime). 


General

Anger Is An (Entirely Normal & Useful) Energy


A question for the ladies: How many of you are uncomfortable with your anger? If someone takes advantage of you, hurts you, shames you, dismisses you, do you sometimes suffer in silence rather than speak up? Do you agonize about how you might confront the individual that made you feel small in the first place? Do you worry about how you might be perceived, not just by this individual, but by other people, if you...