12 thoughts on “"Not Dead Yet"…*

  • July 9, 2010 at 11:12 am

    good to hear from you! i was getting slightly concerned. holding you in my thoughts.

    • July 9, 2010 at 10:37 pm

      Thank you, Julie.

      Don’t be concerned. I’m touched that you have me in your thoughts, but honestly, since this whole adventure ~ if you can call it that ~ began, I’ve become a little tired of being so unsettled. And so self-centred. I cannot wait to get back to my old self and my old style of blogging. Thinking about other things that all this chaos. Sending hugs and Happy Birthday in a few days. I wish you peace and calm and continued recovery. xox

  • July 9, 2010 at 1:35 pm

    Hello Sandy,

    We all deal with stress in some way or other … I took this little stress test, and it says I have a strong possibility of becoming ill. This tickled my funny bone – I must have an odd sense of humour – because if it weren’t for half the stuff that goes on in my life, I wouldn’t be as good at my job as I am, or as happy in my “private” life (the quotation marks are there because here, there seems to be little privacy indeed).

    The various stressors come and go, and I address them at my convenience rather than wait until they blow up in my face. How? A long time ago, or so it feels that way, I was introduced to the idea of creating a “showcase” in my mind. On the shelves of this showcase there is space for every concern imaginable – a special light and colour, a special gift box with very beautiful ribbon bow, etc. In this way, all my problems and stresses become manageable, one at a time, when I am ready to open that gift-box. As I said, I was young at the time, and I have recreated this image in my mind whenever I felt overwhelmed … like visiting a museum of anthropology totally based on me and my interpretation of “truth”.

    Keep laughing, as that is good medicine,

    • July 9, 2010 at 11:28 pm


      I love your “showcase” though I’m not quite sure how to create one in my imagination for myself. Right now, my shelves are filled with boxes with “Fragile” stickers on them and I have no idea where all their contents will every go, or if I’ll have room for them, even though I’ve given so much away already. To my sister and my niece. And to Goodwill.
      Still, the laughter has been lean here lately. I’m really not a very nice person and poor Marty is getting my bile when I can’t deal with all the pressure.

      You are so wise. How did you become so wise? Why are my values so misguided? Maybe all of this will teach me something, some valuable lesson. Right now, I’m feeling so disassociated and not the kind of disassociation I like. Oh well, it’s late and I’m never at my best late at night. I just wanted to catch up on my correspondence and let you know that if there’s a “museum of anthropology” in my mind based on my set of truths, misguided as they seem right now, it’s under construction.

      And yes, I’m laughing.

      Hugs to you, dear friend. Send some of your intrinsic “grounding” my way. And stay as tickled with life as you are. Hee, hee!


  • July 9, 2010 at 2:01 pm

    We are all thinking of you at this time, Sandy. You will be back when you are ready. Wishing you all good things in the mean time …

    • July 9, 2010 at 10:46 pm

      Hi, Melanie…

      I’ll try to keep up with you. Try to check in more often. Try to give you food for thought other than the menu I’m dining on these days. You’re so sweet to wish me well. I cannot see it unfolding yet. There’s so much to do, but I’ll keep your good thoughts close to my heart. You’re a darling to send them and I send you hugs of gratitude.

  • July 9, 2010 at 2:54 pm

    Good to hear from you! Was starting to wonder.

    What sets your stress levels off is highly individual. I flunk out when I feel that I can’t control my environment, or rather things are “fuzzy”, irregular and not as they’re supposed to be. You can’t always control stuff and you don’t always react exactly pragmatically to your own worries. Knowing that things will eventually turn out ok, doesn’t register for real with you until they are turned out ok.

    • July 9, 2010 at 10:44 pm

      So true, Jessika…

      People keep saying that in two months, I’ll look back on this devastating time and be so much happier. Why can’t I glimpse that feeling now? I guess it just doesn’t work that way. You just have to scrape through it. I appreciate your perspective. I wish I was more easy going about these major changes, but I’m not. Just anxious that on moving day, I’ll still be packing. What a nightmare, but it keeps recurring.

      So, I just trying to be positive, but sometimes, it’s a real strain on the imagination.

      Thank you for your kind words of support.

  • July 9, 2010 at 5:17 pm

    “…the less money I have the more monetarily meticulous I am.” Well, that one is easy, I live it every day. With less money you are forced to be more meticulous. It is only in the summer when I am working in my business and have a little bit more money that I feel I can actually breathe. Breathe a sigh of relief every once in a while and go out for dinner or buy myself an article – 1 piece- of clothing. It reminds me of the life I wish I could live all the time. The life I stive to live. Not a stress free live by any means, but a less of a financial burden is what I am after. My stress is constant and comes at me from all angles. So, yes, I understand that when you have more money it is easier to be less thoughtfull about it when that is actually the time when we should be thinking about it and not when it’s gone. Human nature?
    Take care – one step, or box at a time.

    • July 9, 2010 at 10:41 pm


      Today, I packed 21 boxes. Almost all my kitchen. You know, I hate stuff. I want to be minimalist. I inherited so much from my husband’s late wife. The other day, I gave a ton away. There’s still too much. How many dishes does one need?

      Sheila, I don’t mind having less, but I’m so worried about everything these days. Though I’m happy to report, my flowers are glorious and I’m sorry I’ll have to leave them. In my townhouse, I’ll be able to have a garden in pots. What fun I’ll have planning that, don’t you think? I’m looking forward to it.

      Thank you, dear friend. Life is a series of hills and valleys, but this valley is so deep. I cannot wait to get back on the upside.


  • July 10, 2010 at 8:58 am

    My mother always said that if your dishes were done and your beds were made then your house would look tidy. She, was for the most part correct. My mother, with 5 kids- 4 of them boys, ran a tight ship. I think, not that it was all money based, she was a minimialist. There was never clutter on my mother’s counter’s. The toaster went away, utensil in a drawer and everything had it’s place. She needed the counter space. When you have a large family you tend to bake a lot so you need the work space and there is something freeing in the decluttering of our lives. Almost a reflection of what is going on inside of ourselves. Maybe that is why my office is such a mess? A reflection of how I am feeling? It is quite often true. When I have my house tidy I feel lighter. Maybe this packing up and moving things out of your life is having a more significant impact on you in a symbolic way? I don’t know – just a thought. It is a form of letting go, I think, and it is not easy. Easier for those of us on the other side of the computer screen, it’s not our experience, but our observation. When I am having transitional moments I repeat that old familiar saying – “and this too, shall pass.” It just doesn’t always seem to pass fast enough.
    Remember to take some photos of your flowers before you go as a keep sake. Visit them when you need a break and just take in their beauty, watch the insects as they hover around them – take a mindful break from your chaos.
    21 boxes is a big accomplishment – well done.
    Enjoy the day where you can, it’s cooler out finally. We are going to the beach!

  • July 10, 2010 at 1:19 pm

    While I was a student and a few years after, I moved 8 times in 7 years.
    Imagine a bookwork, imagine the same bookworm that has moved 2 times in one year. Imagine the bookworm kicking boxes of books while also remembering how heavy a box of books can be.
    Then see before yourself the bookworm imagining, or highly considering, tossing everything out the window (out of a two story window) and thinking that whatever is somewhat functioning after landing goes with to the new place. All else goes to the rubbish. That was me ;), shortly after I put a moratorium on buying books. When I moved into my current apartment (8 yrs and counting), the book moratorium was lifted. It sucks to move, especially since it requires uprooting your habits. If you move to another city it involves the additional stress of finding a new doctor, dentist, hair dresser while also looking to find a favourite supermarket, restaurant, cafe, library etc.

    I used to solve the problem of too many books with a new book case. Now there’s no more room for another book case. And moving? Not until I need to drop stuff out of the window.


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