It is overwhelming for me to explain these differences.
They may not even appear to you, but they are shouting loud and clear to me.
Yes, I hear voices, all the time. Perhaps you do, too.
Or you do not to listen to them…
Today, you’re probably different that you were a few months ago, too. We’re changing all the time, if we’re lucky and open to change. I like change. If we’re buoyant, strong, “resilient” ~ that buzziest of psychological words these days.
When I broke my arm on December 14, I cut off all my hair. There was only so much I wanted to impose on my husband Marty who was doing everything there is to do around this place. Cleaning, cooking, caring for our dogs. Chauffeuring me hither and thither, here, there and everywhere.
Since then, and after another haircut, I am utterly shorn. I not only have “wash and wear hair,” I have “get up and go hair.”
The hair is but a superficial difference. Inside, where I have lived these 63 years, or made a semblance of living, the landscape is transformed. My ebullient personality, my default mode, is but a cover, I will confess. It’s a great mask behind which the real me lives. A me, no one really wants to know.
I don’t blame them. I’m getting a little tired of her, too.
It seems people prefer the upbeat me. Even my family, people with kind and generous hearts who wish not to look back and reflect anymore.
To be honest, I prefer the sunny, bubbly me, too.
Quite frankly, I’m getting rather tired of reflection as a mode of being. I long to be a simple soul who doesn’t question every motive. I would rather be a person of action. Rather than understand every person’s leitmotif, including my own, I would rather stay in the present rather than try to alter it or psychoanalyze it.
Let’s leave that to the shrinks and the onion peelers…
Me? I just want to know. Just Be. Just Do. End the dwelling. Stay in the present. Keep one foot ahead of the other. And like Nike, “Just Do It” and not ponder the consequences and drive myself mad with what “might be.” Or should be.
Last week, I visited my mother in her Florida home. I went swimming. Slithered into a bathing suit and luxuriated in a pool that was warm enough to be a bathtub.
Then, after three days of walking in sandals and shorts, I came down with a very bad cold/flu/cough and spent the rest of my week sleeping and hacking. “It’s the 100-Day cough,” she informed me. I returned sick and it was spring here.
Here’s the thing…
I don’t worry about what I eat or about the fact that some of my clothes no longer fit me very well. Yesterday, when I had my passport picture taken, I didn’t hate it, though I wasn’t allowed to smile.
Walking my dogs is a simple pleasure, not an obsession about working off calories. I never think about calories anymore. Just eating three meals and two snacks a day.
Change is afoot.
Now, my biggest challenge will be reinventing myself. Again…
Plans are a’foot for that transformation. After 30 years on staff at a daily newspaper, I’ve practiced reinvention.
Right now, even if I must do part-time work until the “right career” makes itself known to me. I’ll do it.
It’s strange to have a hodgepodge of fascinating skills one must turn into a “living,” but it’s not as if I haven’t done it before.
Now, I just want to make the most of the moment or live “wholeheartedly” as Brené Brown would say. Embrace one’s vulnerability. Accept, no love your imperfections. And wow, I have a list a mile long of them. But I don’t worry about changing those. I’m beginning to like them. Even when I look in the mirror.
And I always have you. True?
Take care and be well.