8 thoughts on “Pain and an Unfulfilled Life (i.e. You only get one)

  • September 19, 2013 at 7:58 pm

    Tracy,

    Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I just went through a long period of the “smadness”. Not sure what pulled me through it, but I’ll still feel it from time to time. I don’t make plans really. I just sort of go with the flow. The only planning I do is pay the bills, plan days off (at the last minute) and contribute to the 401K. I just take one day at a time. I found writing down my accomplishments helps too.

    All the best!

    Paul

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  • September 19, 2013 at 9:31 pm

    Hi Tracy. I have 20 years on you and can totally relate to what you discuss in your post. My advice is to do something now so you don’t end up in my position 20 years from now. I grew up with a narcissistic father and alcoholic mother. I’ve taken care of everyone else my whole life, while neglecting myself. I divorced my narcissistic husband ( go figure) after 17 years of marriage. Less than a year later I was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease. Despite my struggles with health and financial issues, I managed to raise my daughter without help, into her 4th year of college. At that point I decided it was time for me. I moved away from the area I had grown up and lived in for 44 years. My plan was to move to a smaller (college) town and simplify my life. Slower pace, better healthcare, near the mountains… Suffice to say, nothing worked out as I had hoped. I won’t go into the sad details except to say that my move made my life much worse, rather than simplified and better. Now I’m feeling very much like you describe. I feel I’ve wasted my life. I’m paralyzed. I don’t have the energy for further change. I don’t trust myself to make good decisions. I don’t trust other people at all. I’ve completely isolated myself. I work and I hide in my home. I’m telling you this because you are 20 years younger than me. It goes by fast. Don’t let yourself become paralyzed. Make a change now. If it doesn’t work the way you hope or expect, try again. You are too young to give up. You have a bunch of letters after your name. Use them to help others who feel like you and me. Stay where you are, close to family and friends, or move someplace you’ve always wanted to go. Don’t give up and waste the next 50 or 60 years. Time flies. Make the most of it. Regrets are the worst. Take it from someone who knows. Please keep writing in your blog. Best wishes, Erika

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  • December 19, 2013 at 8:56 am

    Wow this is heavy stuff. I absolutely hear all of you and can relate to this feeling. My dream since I was 16 was to be a famous singer songwriter. I am a very gifted writer and musician, I had the looks, the brains, the talent, the potential was always there. The realities of making a living while trying to follow this dream have been tough. I’m now 30. I am beginning to accept that the deep dream I had is not going to happen. I feel like its all my fault. I will.always write, its my soul food, ill always sing. But it feels like such a waste that my life has been such a small reflection of what it could have been., that so many more people could have benefited from my music. Like you Tracey, without this dream to work towards I feel lost. I feel aimless. I feel empty. It’s awful. I totally sympathise. I wish you all so much healing and love. Thank you all so much for sharing. X

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  • January 3, 2014 at 3:32 am

    This really hit the nail on the head for me. I am so fricking angry right now about how my life is NOT the life I hoped for, dreamed about, planned for or expected. You see…I have struggled for many years through various trials. I was diagnosed with fibro in 1998 and put myself through nursing school while finishing off (to the best of my ability) two of my three kids. I worked two and three jobs while going to nursing school in order to support my children. Through it I also was battling an addiction to gambling. I had a nice 4 1/2 year sobriety period and then took it back up again for nearly 10 years. I finally went to inpatient treatment AFTER finally getting my RN degree and thought I would finally have MY LIFE. That was almost 4 years ago.

    ON New Years Eve my boyfriend and I broke up. We had been together for a year. I live with him. He had me move in because I was facing homelessness for the 3rd time since not being able to work for the last 3 years. I gave it my best shot…but we are oil and water and our philosophies are so different that it was triggering my PTSD and anxiety disorder as well as sending me into a severe depression.

    So, here I am, 51 years old, unable to work, fighting for disability, facing homelessness for the 4th time in as many years. I worked my ass off to get my kids raised as a single mother without the benefit of child support. I worked my ass off to put myself through school, because everyone said if I had a degree and a career and stopped my gambling nonsense I would be fine.

    Well..I did all that and my life is a $U#*ed up mess!!! I am so pissed off and scared and frustrated. And the only people who truly understand….are people who hurt like I do every day. My friend of 20 years, who is also a nurse said, “at least now you will have insurance with Obamacare. Get on some anti-depressants and work with a pain specialist and get back to work. YOu do know people work with fibromyalgia?” NO kidding Sherlock! I worked with it for 14 years and put myself through school. During that time I was in a MVA being rear ended at 55MPH while at a stop sign. Two years of therapy and my back is still a mess if I overdo. I also have PTSD from a variety of traumas in my life as well as generalized anxiety disorder. I am doing the BEST I can.

    It is SOOOO hard to have any hope of a future. My dreams have changed so much over the last 4 years. All I really want now is to have a little place to call my own with a HUGE garden, my dog, my chickens, my cats and be able to ride on my motorcycle once or twice a month. If I could be financially able to do that little dream….I would be so happy. Traveling would be nice too, but that usually hurts too much. Taking care of a garden, on the days I feel good enough to be outdoors in the fresh air….that doesn’t hurt.

    OH well…right now, I just need to find living quarters for my dog and chickens and myself. As well as the few things I”ve managed to hold onto over the last few years.

    Yup…I’m pissed…and maybe being pissed will help me have some motivation. Because, to be totally honest…the depression is quite paralyzing and that just wont’ do. I guess when you have chronic pain you get a very different perspective of what is tolerable and what isn’t. Pain…I deal with. Depression like I have currently…that won’t work.

    Whew…thanks for a venue to vent. Always so good to find someone who gets it.

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  • January 3, 2014 at 11:40 pm

    Wonderful read and hit me hard right now.
    Going through my own depression to the max right now. I am 58, married to a great guy for 20 years now and am a grandma, which I love being.
    I am also a nurse who has been unable to work for the past 10 years due to the chronic pain I endure as a result of 2 back surgeries. Was it work related? Only in the sense that it was degenerative over time, lifting patients by myself as there was rarely anyone to help!
    As if it was not enough, I cannot get SSDI because stupid me always held hope I would be able to return to work. But now too much time has passed and I cannot qualify.
    And now I look at the future and I am scared. What will become of me? Yes I am married, but we have a small biz and are lucky to make ends meet each month, so saving’s are impossible.
    Chronic pain just keeps on taking!

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  • February 15, 2014 at 9:34 pm

    Thank you for this post! You really put into words some of the most difficult aspects of disability. I’m 24 years old and had just begun my wonderful career with my wonderful boyfriend in our wonderful home when I developed chronic migraines and had to quit my job and move back in with my parents. Even with all of the pain, symptoms, side effects, etc. the hardest part of the whole experience is dealing with an unfulfilled lust for life. I am grateful for so much and try to remain as positive as possible, but damnit some days I want to rage against everything, cry, and scream “This shit isn’t fair!”
    Anyway, thank you for sharing your experiences! I can relate to some much of what you say, and it’s really great to feel like I’m not the only one dealing with all of this!

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  • August 8, 2014 at 8:07 am

    I am a medically retired Hospice RN. I have Lupus and spinal degeneration. I was assaulted by my ex and that caused me to have a broken lower back. I suffered through all the surgeries and everything to raise my 2 son’s alone. I made it through, only to get married and have a 3rd son that has birth defects. I am very SMAD that I am disabled and been dealt such a crappy hand. YES, I have been there for thousands of people in their time of need, only to be left alone by family and friends in my time of need. When I was a hospice nurse many times I would be asked why I did such caring things for strangers. My reply was that I just wished in my time of need there will be someone for me. Well, I can’t say that has been true. My own family doesn’t understand and is resentful I am ill. I NEVER ask for anything from anyone. What I have learned in life :if you are on top, everyone wants you. If you are not no one does.

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  • August 21, 2014 at 11:54 pm

    These stories sadden me.
    I just removed my thyroid about a month ago and since then I have been suffering from sadness….major sadness that is beginning to make me think that I am depressed.
    I hate my job, I hate my friends, every one has been getting under my skin for SO long now that I’ve pulled away from them.
    I got married this past May and I just feel that my life is going down hill.
    I’m so sick of the repetitive bullshit life that I’ve come to endure.
    I hate everything about it…the funny part is that we lived together to for 2 years before we got married…so it’s not like this’s a surprise to me….maybe I just figured this is life and this is the shit that we are all “suppose” to do. Get married, cook, clean,laundry, cook, clean, laundry, cook, clean ,laundry. I hate this!
    I’ve always lived my life so freely when I was younger. My best years of my life when I was the happiest was when I was 25-28. I was single, I mingled, I did what I wanted to do, WHEN I wanted to do it and I had no one and nothing holding me back.
    I hate this growing up bullshit. I want to travel, I want to do things….we do nothing!!! My husband just works and is always complaining or worried about money. He pulls me down…he really does. I’m so bored. I go to work every day…to a place that I HATE….I work a 10 hour shift Monday to Friday only to drive an hour home to cook and clean and make lunches for the next day. And when I complain he says “I pay the mortgage what more do you want” WOW….and if I keep going this just turns into me being “selfish”……i have no idea what to do here? I’m 32 years old…no kids. I feel I’ve done nothing with my life! I’ve tried to go back to school at 5 times since I was 21. I always backed out because money was an issue for me. I couldn’t afford to work part time and go to school.
    This year has been total hell for me. In January I was diagnosed with Graves’ disease, found out I was pregnant, my dog died, I had a miscarriage, got married, then removed my thyroid. And here we are in August….where I keep asking myself WHAT THE F$*K AM I DOING?????
    I LOVE music, I LOVE concerts, I love art, I love baking, I love decorating and I’m not doing any of this full time? Why!!!?? What’s wrong with me?
    See we always take the safe route and just get a job that we DrEAd going into every day just so we can pay the stupid bills. I don’t need a massive house, I don’t need nice cars, I couldn’t less for that bullshit. I’d rather live In a small house and have a small car and have small bill payments so I can enjoy myself and my life. I don’t make a lot of money….and I’d much rather have a small tiny mortgage and venture off Into the world and enjoy my life.
    This same shit day in and day out is ruining me.
    Thanks for listening…I love this blog . I hope every one finds peace I. Their hearts xoxo

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