3 thoughts on “3 Reasons You Should Never Use the D-Word With Your Child of Any Age

  • September 22, 2019 at 3:17 am

    We have to thank Dr Webb for her life’s work in identifying this simple lack of attention, and he terrible devastation that can occur down through families because our values are so skewed.

    Deep anxiety disorders seem complex, but when discovering the CEN questionnaire and scoring 21 of 22 indicated that this was the simplest and accurate etiology of early experience, or,really, lack of experience,that caused my own, & therefore certainly man,many others,to be so debilitating that the narratives in Dr. Webb’s book concerned with marriages that lasted at all to be out of reach.

    Not being hostile or aggressive, instead I gained relief from social terror through risk sports and physicality so intense that I’d overtain & urinate blood pretty often for years, until injuries & overtraining threw my system into the very natural response of emotional breakdown into extreme depression cycling by late 20s.
    Certainly we come to grief on other reefs, and continue to do so until we can heal it in ourselves AND identify it in others.

    the latter is crucial. If you remain naive and/or cannot gain the courage to expose yourself and help your intimates out of it, as I had not, the past will look like wreckage. I’m working with my stoic-prescribing and withdrawn-into-religion mother on it , as Dr. Webb prescribes. One wants to give happiness, just as mothers wish it to their very young.

    Our nature, it seems needs strong social ties and deep open affection.

    All these years I never felt the extreme social terrors I experienced in early to mid-teens, until I attempted to face this fear of emotions very recently.

    Dr. Webb may have had clients or patients by now who had been so debilitated (parental alcohol use and “short temper”, is exactly the driver of CEN, and in questioning what had happened early in the parent’s life, allowed me to understand that it is indeed passed on through generations.

    Now I pity my unreachable father, my gone grandfathers, as much as I pity all vulnerable innocents, and cannot place more blame on them than one can on an unlearned baby.

    It is the culture, as I’ll get to below.

    I lived for times among the Polynesians, whose largely lost culture , like other traditional cultures did NOT neglect.
    In fact, they have a word that means, love, pity, compassion, and it is at the very center always of their lives. They use the word as open truth of our feelings,we mistranslate its intent if we believe it means a mere hello or goodbye. They attach only adjectives to cover all its myriad uses, EVERY ONE intended to remind the speaker and the hearer us of how we should live our waking moments: Aloha means these things, reminding us most every meeting and parting.

    My original learned response to my own social terror was to be kind to others, to NEVER prioritize any appointment or necessity over the individual present.

    After passing a number of cultures, from old Siberia to tropics, I believe that a society that devalues by ignoring, is flawed, and the real causal root of CEN.

    Yes, it did interrupt my profession[s] enough that I did not succeed, but the guilt should I abandon another was always so great that there could be no abandonment – there are many innocents who cannot understand the unnatural withdrawal to do something “more important.”

    Mothers of the very young understand this, but males skew more toward psychopathy ,especially in societies like ours, and fail in this most essential :
    merely to give undivided attention.

    We pursue attention in cognitive science. Humans are the most absent of all species I have ever studied, living in their projections & imaginations, in their counterfactual narratives. I have not found them as skilled in this critical necessity – attention.
    Yet, because as John Donne so impressively said, no one is an island, but obligately connected to all.

    And of course, I DO accept your culture -after all, I was born into it, although seeing how destructive is neglect.You ARE all innocent, even as you collectively have the power to change that deranged and dissociated form,

    If you DO take on the vitally important effort to change , you will be more rewarded than any wealth by an other standard.

    But it will not be easy. Here’s a 200 year old note from someone who also saw the difficulties of changing a society that promoted neglect so demandingly that such abandonment of love itself is essentially coerced.

    Such a failing society is on us now, and to change, to love well, will be hard, as William Blake wrote here of the traps of incourageous ease into which we fall:

    “What is the price of Experience? Do men buy it for a song?
    Or wisdom for a dance in the street? No, it is bought with the price
    Of all that a man hath, his house, his wife, his children.
    Wisdom is sold in the desolate market where none come to buy
    And in the wither’d field where the farmer ploughs for bread in vain

    It is an easy thing to triumph in the summer’s sun
    And in the vintage and to sing on the waggon loaded with corn.
    It is an easy thing to talk of patience to the afflicted,
    To speak the laws of prudence to the homeless wanderer;
    To listen to the hungry raven’s cry in wintry season,
    When the red blood is fill’d with wine and with the marrow of lambs

    It is an easy thing to laugh at wrathful elements
    To hear the dog howl at the wintry door, the ox in the slaughterhouse moan;
    To see a god on every wind and a blessing on every blast;
    To hear sounds of love in the thunderstorm that destroys our enemies’ house;
    To rejoice in the blight that covers his field and the sickness that cuts off his children
    While our olive and vine sing and laugh round our door and our children bring fruits and flowers.

    Then the groan and the dolour are quite forgotten and the slave grinding at the mill
    And the captive in chains and the poor in the prison and the soldier in the field
    When the shatter’d bone hath laid him groaning among the happier dead.

    It is an easy thing to rejoice in the tents of prosperity:

    Thus could I sing and thus rejoice: but it is not so with me.”

    But, if you act, if you go where your greatest fear is, every little step will be happiness beyond any you’ve ever had. I found this much in these, my first, steps.

    • September 22, 2019 at 9:32 am

      Dear Makuye, thank you so much for sharing your wise observations and experiences with us. The poem by William Blake is deeply inspirational and expresses a truth that is hard to think about but so important for us all to think about! Again, thanks so much for sharing.


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