10 thoughts on “Do These 5 Things to Increase Your Emotional Intelligence

  • February 3, 2019 at 11:34 am

    I always feel that when I an trying to be assertive that I am in actuality acting mean. Do you think I may be caring too much about what others think? Or am I just getting the assertive part wrong?

    • February 3, 2019 at 11:43 am

      Hi Nancy, that’s a good question, and unfortunately, I can’t answer it without observing you in action. But I think the best answer lies in the other person’s reaction. If they act hurt or defensive, then perhaps you were too aggressive. If they don’t take you seriously, then you may have been too mild with your point. But if they seem to take it in (even if it hurts them), that’s assertiveness!

  • February 3, 2019 at 1:51 pm

    When I was a teen ( early 90’s), I can remember hearing the words “latch-key kids” for the first time. It was given to children who came home from school to an empty house because both parents were working.

    The kids had a key to the house so they could get in, so that’s how the term “latch-key kids” came about.

    I imagine, at a young age, they learned that their parent’s jobs were more important than they were, and missed out on some crucial parenting.

    I wonder how much that played in, what looks like, a rise in therapy clients with CEN, attachment/ababandonment issues?

    I make the assumption that there’s a rise by reading so many stories about what seems to be chronic problems with termination, and the inability of the client to let go of the therapist in a healthy way.

    Any thoughts?

    • February 3, 2019 at 3:55 pm

      Hi Scott, I actually don’t necessarily think there is a rise in CEN. I think it’s always been there, but it was hard to see because it’s so unobservable, it hides underneath all the abuse and trauma that are observable and memorable. We are finally now seeing it and talking about it.

  • February 4, 2019 at 12:19 am

    I’m 66. I’ve been in and out of therapy since I was about 13. It’s been about 30 years since my last therapist.
    Last summer my older brother got between me and my 38 year old son. When I told him he was out of line to interfere, he sent me a text starting with “LOL” and then went off on me.
    In the last 10 year’s, I’ve distanced myself from my family. I’ve pulled back a few times for a year or so. Once both my parents died, there wasn’t any reason to maintain contact with my sister or 2 brothers. There was no trust.
    I thought I was doing good….I quit drinking when I was 35 and was able to get to the point that I knew my parents were pretty damaged and incapable of love. It wasn’t anyone’s fault….it just was.

    This last thing with my brother put me right back to my childhood. I started googling “feelings ignored” and found your CEN work. I’ve had so many memories come back. Other memories had the blanks filled in. My perceptions don’t have my safety filter anymore. Things that I felt were rude or teasing were abuse.
    That’s a lot of found feelings. I told all 3 of my kids that I needed some quiet time to sort stuff out.
    My oldest daughter told me “You can’t really believe Ron (my brother) did that to hurt you.” She has a MSW and I asked her if she’d say that to a battered woman. The last time I heard from her was Sept. She left me a message saying ” We don’t always have to agree on everything”. I feel she negated my existence.
    My younger daughter just wants me to “move on”.
    I’m not allowing this anymore. I’m not going to spend the remaining years of my life reliving my childhood with every interaction.
    I can remember at least eight times from the age of 5 to 15 that I thought I was going to die. No one protected me. I was the only one that I could trust.
    I was the youngest of 5 kids and it all fell down on me.
    Thanks for having a place to vent a little. I have your first CEN book and I’m filling a notebook of thoughts and feelings. I never allowed myself to be angry but over the last 6 month’s I’m beginning to work through a lot. Writing is the biggest relief.

    • February 4, 2019 at 8:44 am

      Dear Dara, it sounds like you have been through a lot with your family. I hope you will try to keep your children separate in your mind from your siblings. CEN gets passed down through generations, so it makes sense your kids would have problems validating your feelings. If you can, it would be a great idea for you to find a therapist on the Find A CEN Therapist List on my website. All my best wishes to you.

  • February 4, 2019 at 11:24 am

    I think key is letting others know how you are feeling so they get the benefit of understanding how you are interpreting what is going on. We assume too much and need to be willing to risk that we are not seeing the situation like others may see it and vice versa. My spouse will not disagree or say how he is feeling, if I don’t speak up, nothing gets discussed. I’m exhausted by this and ready to leave.

    • February 4, 2019 at 11:36 am

      Dear Terrie, the one positive thing about your situation is that these skills can be learned. The real question is whether your husband is willing to try to learn them. See if he will go to a couples therapist who specializes in CEN. You can find a list on emotionalneglect.com. Sending you my best wishes.

  • February 6, 2019 at 11:21 am

    The link for free Feelings List doesn’t appear to be working.

    You can download the Feelings List free HERE.

    • February 6, 2019 at 11:53 am

      Dear Lou, I just checked it and it is working. You might try clearing your cache, rebooting your computer and then try again.


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