17 thoughts on “6 Ways You May Have Been Raised to Feel Alone

  • November 25, 2018 at 11:43 am

    i suffered from CEN. I started using alcohol from a very early age to numb the feeling of guilt , shame, and feeling unlovable.
    All that came to a climax 37 years ago. I saw what i was doing and stopped………just like that.
    then came the work of uncovering what the problem was. That took me about sixteen years of therapy: this showed me who i was and why i behaved the way i did.
    It did not change how i felt about myself.
    For that to happen, i needed to stumble across Buddhism, and i am so grateful i did. They taught me Metta, or loving kindness meditation.
    At first i did not “get it”.
    One day, after months of repetition, i “got it”
    I had my house and business burnt down, and though i did not want any part of them, suicidal thought arose and i was very scared.
    I sat down that night and did Metta. I saw how difficult my situation was, and i started, for the first time in my life, to view myself with immense compassion.
    The suicide thoughts left me and have never returned.
    Over the next fourteen years i have practised this mediation every day.
    I no longer suffer from chronic depression, or the feelings of being unlovable and shameful. No meds involved πŸ™‚
    I have morphed into the best friend i could ever have wished for, i no longer suffer from shame, guilt or anxiety. Using this meditation i made friends with all my problems, rather than running or fighting them. After a while(2-3 years) they stopped bothering to come visit me.

    So my sixteen years of therapy(which i likened to my forty days and forty nights in the desert) gave me the insights and self knowledge to see who i was, and how badly i had been affected by ECN,
    The practise of the Metta meditation gave me the gift i had needed all along.
    The ability to love myself, warts and all, unconditionally.
    i guess i could still be considered as relatively socially isolated, but i rarely feel lonely now. In recent years that is changing too. I guess as my self love grows, it is something you cant really hide, just as the self loathing was something i could never really cover up. People know.

    To sum it all up, i do believe John Lennon was right when he sang, ” love is all you need”
    without self love i dont believe you can love others anyway.

    Its great work that you do Jonice, please dont stop.
    Metta to all, Martin

    Reply
    • November 25, 2018 at 2:18 pm

      Dear Martin, it sounds like you have been on quite a journey and have figured some important things out for yourself. Best wishes to you!

      Reply
  • November 25, 2018 at 4:27 pm

    Hi Martin,

    Thank you for sharing your story. I’ve heard of this meditation, but not found it directly. I have found meditation has helped me enormously in dealing with my longterm CEN, though I’m still acting out with seeking solace in food. I will google exactly how it’s done and start right now!

    Dr Webb thank you for your work. In distinguishing CEN so clearly you have provided a fast forward path to healing. I’ve been ‘working on healing’ for decades; with some success for sure, but your work is providing so much validation. It helps me every time I read something or yours or listen to something from your course. How wonderful to have made such a contribution, I honour you and your work.
    Rosie

    Reply
    • November 25, 2018 at 5:07 pm

      Dear Rosie, I am so glad to hear that you’re benefiting so much from my work and program. Keep up all the great work you’re doing!

      Reply
    • November 25, 2018 at 11:18 pm

      Hi Rosie, so glad to hear you are well on the path to self healing.
      I agree with your comments about how Dr Jonice has laid out so clearly what the real problem is. Priceless.
      On my journey, i used a character attribute, which was not always useful. I am very very stubborn and once my mind is set….it is very hard for me to change.
      During my time in therapy, i would watch, with some dismay, as others found closure to problems in their lives and moved on to happier times. i would feel stuck forever.
      Then my stubborness would kick in, i would perhaps utter a few choice cuss words and say,” well i am not going to stop till things change.” πŸ˜€

      Sooo glad i never gave up.
      Sending you Metta
      Martin

      Reply
      • November 26, 2018 at 8:13 am

        Good for you for refusing to give up Martin! I always say that perseverance is the most important ingredient for recovering from CEN.

        Reply
  • November 25, 2018 at 7:26 pm

    Thank you both…Martin and Jonice…your writings made, at least for me, ALL OF THE DIFFERENCE this evening. Reading can provide answers and solace…incredible thanks to both of you and your taking the time to put ‘hope’ out there.

    Reply
    • November 25, 2018 at 7:38 pm

      Thank you for your comment Donna! I’m so glad we have made a difference in your day.

      Reply
    • November 26, 2018 at 2:38 am

      Thanks so much for your comment Donna. it produced in me, the kind of buzz money cant buy.
      i wish you well on your continued journey. dont give up πŸ˜€

      Reply
  • November 26, 2018 at 4:59 pm

    in my case, my birth injury situation was never directly discussed; i was given good enough love for how i turned out physically but not shown that i could have feelings about it, just told to care more about how my appearance ‘bothered’ others and act as though setting boundaries emotionally for myself was ‘wrong’. looking “brave” and acting “above feelings” was the idea. it’s taken me years to understand that i have feelings that can be as uncomfortable as anyone else’s and i don’t need to apologize for not being ‘on’ for explanations about my injury. it took 30 years (through a surgeon) later to found out it *was* a birth injury, not something i was ‘born’ with. in fact, my father was surprised when i told him about that information, but telling me “i thought it was my fault” maybe didn’t help much–who is to ‘blame’ when neither of us injured me physically?

    Reply
    • November 26, 2018 at 5:31 pm

      Dear Lila, you have figured out the essence of emotional neglect. Your well-meaning parents (it sounds like) did what they could, but they didn’t acknowledge your true feelings or help you with them. Only you can do that now. I hope you’re working on it. All my warmest wishes to you.

      Reply
  • November 28, 2018 at 8:41 am

    One of the closing paragraphs which states: “And once you start down that path, there will be no turning back. Your life will become richer, your relationships deeper.” I personally do not agree with. It certainly is the ideal state. For my experience, I have often turned back not because I wanted to, it is more of a knee jerk reaction based on many years of being treated alone, feeling alone, and related trauma. Also, while I would like to think that everyone will respond to me favorable when I reach out to develop ways to not be alone by socializing more or including more people in my life, it doesn’t always mean that this will be received positively by others – setting back into motion at times that knee jerk reaction and beyond.

    Reply
    • November 28, 2018 at 9:25 am

      Dear Rachel, I very much appreciate what you are saying. Part of progress is naturally returning to you default setting multiple times, as it is a lot of work to change it. As a therapist, though, I have seen that even though it’s natural to do this, the progress you have experienced never goes away, and will change you in some important way. I want to help people understand that once you make progress, even if for a brief time, it stays with you. Please do keep working at it because persistence is the key to lasting change.

      Reply
  • November 28, 2018 at 9:30 am

    Hi Jonice

    Is your book “Running on Empty” available for purchase in the UK?

    Reply
    • November 28, 2018 at 9:32 am

      Dear Yvonne, yes both of my books are available internationally, definitely in the UK. Take care!

      Reply
  • November 29, 2018 at 3:48 pm

    “Families who ignore or dismiss emotions tend to have few meaningful conversations.”
    I’m 36 years old and I’ve never really had an honest conversation with my parents.

    Reply
    • November 29, 2018 at 4:17 pm

      Dear Jeremy, I think that can be just as harmful and painful as having emotionally abuse in the family. Thank you for sharing your experience.

      Reply
 

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