20 thoughts on “The Hallmarks Of A Resilient Relationship: Harmony Rupture Repair

  • April 15, 2018 at 10:40 am

    Very very helpful. Thank you so much. I will be looking forward for more such blogs. Thank you again.

  • April 15, 2018 at 11:15 am

    I love all your posts. You write with such clarity. You have helped me immensely. Thank you a million.

    • April 15, 2018 at 11:29 am

      That’s wonderful to hear Mette! I am so glad.

  • April 15, 2018 at 2:51 pm

    I read this with amazement. It provided so much insight to me. In retrospect it seems obvious, but for whatever reason I never made the connection between my childhood relationship with my parents and my seeming inability to sustain long-term relationships as an adult. Thank you for this viewpoint.

    • April 15, 2018 at 5:21 pm

      Dear Lm, now that you see the connection it can open up doors for you, and new possibilities. Sending you my best wishes!

  • April 15, 2018 at 5:34 pm

    Thanks Dr Webb once again, much appreciated. You’ve hit the nail on the head. I’m really good at the Harmony phase. However from your article I realise I have absolutely no idea what to think/feel/do when the Rupture happens and no Repair skills. Instead I do what my parents do. My father acts as if nothing happened and my mother piles it on to her long list of resentments and grievances to be trotted out when the moment is right. Unlike them however, when the list gets long enough I just leave. Well well, no wonder I’ve never had a long term successful relationship. Very enlightening, thanks!

    • April 15, 2018 at 6:45 pm

      Dear Karen, your description of what your parents do is the classic pattern of those who don’t know the value of a rupture. I hope you’ll take this forward to have happier and stronger relationships yourself, and I have a feeling that you will 🙂

  • April 15, 2018 at 7:55 pm

    Thanks very much for this blog post and for all you have written about CEN, Dr. Webb. It really has explained a lot about my situation.

    I am still reluctant or afraid to initiate the “Rupture” phase. I have avoided conflict all my life. I will re-read your book, because clearly I am too thick-skulled to get the message first time around, but in the meantime do you have any suggestions to get that first rupture going and not back down from it?

    • April 15, 2018 at 9:38 pm

      I know that rupture is scary Greg! But the two main parts of facing it are these: 1) Give up trying to be right. Right/wrong is seldom relevant in a conflict between partners. 2) Instead of focusing on facts and events, focus on what your partner is feeling. When you both do that, it has an amazing effect. It takes practice but it is totally learnable.

      • April 15, 2018 at 10:46 pm

        Thank you. I appreciate your response!

  • April 16, 2018 at 3:14 am

    Great article. Just a little bit of feedback, in the “repair” section, it should state keep “them” happy rather than “him” happy.

    • April 16, 2018 at 8:29 am

      Hi Claire, I understand why you’re suggesting that. But using “them” in that type of sentence isn’t actually grammatically correct so I never do it. Instead, I alternate between he and she, him and her. Thanks for your comment!

  • April 16, 2018 at 6:49 am

    Hello Jonice,

    Thanks for another good post. One that I recognize much in.

    I imagine you will have no dearth of blog subject matter to write about.

    But, a suggestion: a follow-up post about CEN and conflict avoidance.

    Because that is what I have learned from my parents: to avoid, to bury conflict, with the result that it simmers, only to erupt later. And with the result that my needs and emotions are not met, listened to and handled in a healthy way.

    And, from what I read in other comments, books, and see in people around me, conflict avoidance is one of the main issues so many people struggle with, and it often is connected to something such as CEN.

    Whether you take it up or not, I love your blog posts. They give me things to reflect upon. Looking forward to the next one!


    • April 16, 2018 at 8:30 am

      Dear Harmen, that is a very good suggestion. I’ll write an article on conflict avoidance so watch for it!

      • April 17, 2018 at 3:44 am

        Dear Jonice, I am very much looking forward to this article. Thanks 🙂

        Warm greetings, Harmen

  • April 16, 2018 at 12:56 pm

    Thank you. I’m wondering can I use this format with my therapist i.e. between myself and the therapist, when we have a rupture?
    One may think it’s strange. But I don’t know how to do this in “the real world”. But the ruptures happen in my therapy because I sabotage all my healthy relationships. So maybe using this template with the therapist can help me learn?

    • April 16, 2018 at 2:23 pm

      Dear MaryGrace, what a wonderful idea. You not only can use it with your therapist, I highly recommend it! That would be a really useful and powerful way to practice learning the skills involved. Thanks for sharing your idea with others!

      • April 27, 2018 at 10:58 pm

        Would that be like role playing?

  • April 27, 2018 at 6:17 am

    Love love this article! My last 4.5y on and off relationship ended mainly due to his by his own admission ‘I avoid confrontation/conflict at all costs’. He took the choice of preferring to see his relationship that he really wanted dissolve before his very eyes than risk the potential awkwardness, frustration anxiety that may have happened by facing his fear and joining me in repairing the ruptures.Too many unrepaired ruptures finally proved too much . It broke my heart but he refused every invite I made to work as a team and I had to finally admit defeat. Really look forward to your article on conflict avoidance.


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