16 thoughts on “Why Emotional Growth is Scary: 3 Ways To Defeat Your Fear Of Change

  • March 18, 2018 at 6:58 pm

    So good Dr Jonice! Yes I am experiencing these things as I grow. Relationships that I thought I would have forever have changed or have disappeared. New ones are taking their place. Behaviour that I might’ve tolerated a few years back is no longer acceptable to me. I now stand up for myself and what I think is right for me. I see people resist this change, my husband included. They want the “old Sue” back. Onwards and upwards for me.

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    • March 18, 2018 at 8:37 pm

      Dear Sue, good for you! Keep on growing and changing, and those who love you will end up growing and changing with you.

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  • March 19, 2018 at 12:00 am

    This kind of thing happened in a marriage for me. I wanted to break a cycle (six-years) of hubby always saying he was fine and me knowing when he wasn’t and filling in his emotions for him. So I talked to him about it… he seemed to agree… and within three months he found someone else who would do that. It was a long time ago and it was an extremely difficult time for me, but I made it through. Despite the pain, I can still feel the lifting of that burden. But I also wonder if that is how long-term marriages stay together — by people doing weird stuff like that for each other, and if I was being unreasonable in expecting him to take responsibility for his own feelings, his own happiness. And probably the fact that I’m questioning myself just might be a product of my CEN.

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    • March 19, 2018 at 9:38 am

      Dear Tinker, it sounds like you challenged your husband to grow (probably because you were growing and wanted him to come along). In a healthy marriage, people challenge each other to grow constantly, and each rises to the challenge out of love and care for the partner and relationship. It sounds like that marriage was not able to be that. The fact that you’re feeling better is an important sign that you did something healthy for yourself.

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  • March 19, 2018 at 3:24 am

    Thanks Dr Webb, once again you’ve hit the nail on the head. Recently I had lunch for the first time in ages with some people I’ve been friends with for about 25 years. To my great surprise I realised i have almost nothing in common with them and was left wondering what had kept us together all that time.

    Thanks for giving me an explanation – it is I who have changed! With CEN it’s always been so difficult to make friends so I have been very grateful that these lovely people have wanted to be friends with me.

    You have also explained another interesting development in my life. There’s people who I’ve met more recently who I could have become friends with but to be honest I don’t actually like them very much and haven’t pursued it further. That’s the first time in my life I’ve made a conscious decision about such things. In the past I would have desperately grasped onto them.

    This might not be a big deal compared to some of the issues that arise from your blogs, nevertheless thanks for showing me how far I’ve come, even if only in a small way!!

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    • March 19, 2018 at 9:40 am

      Dear Karen, your post makes me so very happy. This is not small at all. It’s gigantic! It’s a change like this that is fundamental to who you are and can change your life. Good job!

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    • March 19, 2018 at 5:21 pm

      Karen, I can so relate to your post! It’s interesting how you meet new people now and can be more discerning whether you’ll continue the relationship or not. I really get that! I too will be meeting up with some “old friends” in the next few weeks for my mother’s 90th birthday. It will be interesting to sit back and observe them for a couple of hours.

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    • March 19, 2018 at 9:39 pm

      Thanks for your comments Sue and Dr Webb. Reflecting on my recent experiences it seems to me that our long term relationships mirror back to us the person we used to be, not the person we are today. Wishing you a most interesting time at the birthday party, Sue!

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      • March 19, 2018 at 9:47 pm

        Very true! We all sadly do lose people, or at least parts of our friendships with them as we grow. Yet we must grow.

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  • March 19, 2018 at 6:55 am

    My parents were vicious people who rarely showed anything resembling kindness, and then only when it served their purposes. Pointing this out to my siblings only got me ostracized, and now my dreams confirm I am on my own. Many harbor the popular sentiment that freedom is akin to a big happy moment, like if you walked onto Oprah’s stage and she gave you a big hug, but a stark isolation is more likely the result. This should never stop you from being honest however. That’s more important than fantasies of happiness.

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    • March 19, 2018 at 9:42 am

      Good point HW! And it’s very important to add that freedom like this involves a painful but healthy loss, and opens you up to many kinds of healthy change that you would have previously never had a chance for. Good work.

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  • March 21, 2018 at 7:00 am

    Yes my long and winding road through all that CEN shit and abuse includes divorce, and other goodbyes as well.
    That said, equanimity and a much more happy demeanour is creating many opportunities to create a happy life attitude and environment.
    Remembering that birds of a feather flock together is helpful, so while my intra personal re-mapping and evolved positivity apparently pissed off my ex and ex -acquaintances, theres a whole new bunch of chirpies in the neighbourhood to get to know, or not,because with development comes the wisdom of more acute perceptions.

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    • March 21, 2018 at 8:43 am

      What a great story Sandy! An inspiration, and I can easily imagine everything you’ve described. Way to go.

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  • March 21, 2018 at 2:38 pm

    Thank you! I really needed to hear this now more than ever. Whenever I show any amount of personal or professional growth, I find that some get jealous, some get distant, and some get all “diagnosy” (my slang and made-up word when people falsely attribute your growth to a symptom of some sort). It’s like they want to tell you what you’re doing wrong, so when you’re doing something right, they want to make it into a wrong. It’s something they got used to. Or if you improve, they outwardly say that they are jealous, or that you work too hard, etc.

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    • March 21, 2018 at 3:08 pm

      Yes, I have seen this happen too. It’s important to understand what’s going on, and not let it hold you back on your healthy trajectory!

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  • March 24, 2018 at 4:43 pm

    I left a comment on Edie’s blog about ghosting…Just adding in here, we should not be afraid of ghosts or being ghosted, whether we create the situation by moving on and away from our CEN pain or are being ransomed by the behaviour of those who do not wish to see us do that…
    Ghosts if they do exist are a possibly a vestigial energy from another time continuum.
    When we live and thrive in the present, they can have no influence.
    Fear is therefore not our problem , but theirs.

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