14 thoughts on “Three Amazing Ways You Can Re-Parent Yourself

  • September 25, 2016 at 11:25 am

    Hello Dr Webb,
    I just want to thank you very much for your website and the wonderful e mails i recieve. You write with love and your teaching is gentle and kind. Im learning to love my true self and parent self and also re….parent my children. Be honest with myself as a Mom. My oldest son is homeless and addicted to drugs. He is 21 years old and has not yet grown from the angry 16 year old. He is stuck at age 16, angry, blames me, verbally abuses me at times, breaks my things and steals from me. He now survives by stealing from everyone he meets to trade for his drugs. He denies everything and wont get help. You give me hope that maybe i Can help my adult child by learning and re parenting if he will let me. Thank you again, God Bless, Laurie

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    • September 29, 2016 at 10:04 pm

      God be with you!!! He will come home and be new again praying for you

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      • June 17, 2017 at 3:47 am

        Er… what does that mean??? :/

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  • September 25, 2016 at 11:48 am

    Thank you again for a thoughtful article. I hope this makes sense but how can you tell, really tell what your positive attributes are when you have no real gauge. For some nothing is ever enough. I don’t know if it’s really an attribute or if I’m just fooling myself.

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    • September 25, 2016 at 1:13 pm

      Dear Nancy, your attributes are right there for you to see and own, and always have been. Try to start taking the positive feedback that you get from others into your heart. Pay attention to yourself in a different way than you have before. A therapist can help you if you find it’s too hard. I assure you that you have many good reasons to like and love yourself.

      Reply
  • September 25, 2016 at 12:59 pm

    Thank you so much for this article.

    You give so much hope and power to learn to self correct. I also appreciate how you are not venomous towards parents who didn’t know or do enough. Your method teaches to move past blame, accept what is, and begin the real transformative work on self correcting with love. It occurred to me while reading the article that the real power lay in our hands, we are not perpetual victims, but can move forward to happiness and fulfillment in life.

    Such a powerful article as usual.

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    • September 25, 2016 at 1:04 pm

      Exactly Brenda! I’m so glad you have come to the conclusion that the real power lay in your hands. I couldn’t agree more. I wish you all the best in your CEN recovery.

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  • September 25, 2016 at 1:55 pm

    Daily humiliation & the monitoring of my every move were typical behaviors. She’d get mad at me over why I wasn’t smiling, (she never smiled) and would ask the air why she didn’t have a ‘sweet’ daughter. She was absolutely unbearable. She wore people out bec nothing was ever right or enough. I am now thinking that I need to write about my childhood. That may be the only way I’ll heal is if I tell my story. As I recall various incidents, I find them shocking. This is a sure sign of healing – because I am no longer numb. How on earth did my brother and I survive?

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  • September 25, 2016 at 1:55 pm

    Nice article. For those of you interested in discussing this article, and other CEN issues, there is a new forum created just for you. Pop over and have a look, and perhaps we can work through this together 🙂 http://centalk.forumotion.co.uk/

    Reply
  • September 28, 2016 at 12:48 pm

    I enjoyed reading this article because it provided information that I need to be able to help myself, after just finishing 8 years of therapy. I was having such a hard time letting go of my therapist, and I figured out one reason was because sometimes I don’t “see” myself or really know who I am. There are other reasons as well, but I am hoping to put into practice what you have so gracefully shared so I can start to move on with my life, and not be so consumed with thoughts of my therapist. I appreciate the tenor of this article which was written with a stance of compassion, and giving the client the ability to be in charge of their own therapy.

    I think one of the ways that psychotherapy can improve as a field is to provide long term clients with more skills about termination and learning how to let go, with education, information, and practicing. I feel that was a weak point in my own therapy, and that I am paying for that now in feelings and emotions that are rather difficult to navigate by myself. I did have a gifted trauma therapist, but the ending was not therapeutic in any way. The rest of the therapy, however, was truly life transforming, and a precious gift.

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  • September 28, 2016 at 2:39 pm

    I grew up in one of these crazy environments with parents who were absolutely incompetent and undermining; the last thing they wanted was to be beneficial and aid in the individuation process, they did not want competent and confident children, they wanted rather to dominate, dictate, and have them under their thumb, basically, they wanted non existent entities they could manipulate at will, so any signs of independence, individuation, or a distinct personality were routinely ridiculed, mocked, and crushed. At a very early age I could sense that I was in a very troubled environment, my first thought was that the stork must have made a mistake and delivered me to the wrong household, that is how young I was when I realized had wrong things were. My father kept a very negative focus on me, and while I was quietly wondering what in the hell was going on, he would cast a sharp eye on me and tell my mother that “something was wrong” with ME, that I was not “right”, and later on that I was “retarded”. All the while I was thinking to myself that nothing was making any sense, that the household environment was crazy, that the personalities, interpersonal relations, and emotional existence were absolutely being stifled. Whereas, my parents were bent on making me nothing but an empty automaton, an absolute an unquestioning servant, who was supposed to read their minds and moods, and anticipate their every needs, and to not exist as a human being in my own right, but to see myself as worthless and to feel blessed at being within their presence, as I was told that I lacked the competence to survive in the world, when their game was to keep me dependent on them, so that they could exploit me for as long as they saw fit, and to discard me when I no longer served their interests.

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    • July 24, 2017 at 5:09 am

      oh god. I just found out this is what’s going on with me at age 37. I had no idea they have been gaslighting me for 3-4 years. It destroyed my relationship and then my business as i gradually became so unable to focus that I couldn’t function on other peoples problems anymore.
      and I live in a house I built near them, they still own the property and I’m fighting to get the title for my house at the lowest point of my life. As soon as i started telling everyone I wanted to in the family my strength began to return and crippling anxiety lessened. Found out my mom has been gaslighting me about family members and who they are most similar to in order to prevent me from seeing who she really is behind the facade. And who is who in the dysfunctional family roles.
      So weird. I feel like I’m in a movie that never ends. But at least I don’t feel trapped anymore. She’s horribly sick with all of these autoimmune diseases and I keep telling her to stand up with me so we can solve this with honesty and fairness before they die and my brother rushes to cash in on my work. She tells me i’m the one who is mental, but its all a smokescreen. Even now that I’ve deconstructed all of it and explained to her there’s no point in continuing the game, all she has been able to say to me is that I was ‘smart’. Then tell me I need help for my ‘mental condition’. I fear that she’s gone, and i inadvertently went very low contact for 7-8 months last year and this sudden state of permanent denial of reality is the aftermath of that. She went to this therapist and i don’t think the lady knows she most likely has narcissistic personality disorder. The therapist interrogated me in front of her and didn’t know anything about me or the unique situation but knew the exact points that my mom has been repeating from her greatest hits bag of reasons why I don’t deserve to own my home. I explained to this woman that they say these things ad nauseum to pretend that they are “supporting” me and have been giving and generous time and time again. They have given me nothing but a life of self-doubt, fear, depression, guilt, shame, etc. I was naive to ever trust them. All of the things they pay a portion of have been to prop up a rental agreement that i only was able to get a copy of about 6 months ago. Their self-serving list of contributions only exists to protect them from me being able to easily take the title because of how long i’ve lived here and been the owner by intent. Then, exasperated, she said “do you have any idea how much money your mother has spent on therapy?”
      I read that people who have this get worse if the therapist isn’t aware of it. She seems like she’s turned into my grandma. But that’s what she’s been trying to hide all these years. Planted little things in my head for a long time about my aunt and grandma being alike. My cousin and I talked and he confirmed its my mom that is like grandma. I’m pretty sad about this. Years ago she told me she endured the abuse and worked hard to not pass it on.
      when you said “I was told that I lacked the competence to survive in the world, when their game was to keep me dependent on them, so that they could exploit me for as long as they saw fit, and to discard me when I no longer served their interests” i gasped in horror, because that is what it appears happened to me. They told me they would die someday and have withheld information to keep me in the dark and paying them “rent” on something i should own outright by now. It’s bled me dry and i was about to self-file for chapter 7. Then the eviction theater that never ends started up again. 60day notices came with a second page attached…basically a list of demands about me and how often i need to come check in at their house and inform them of my progress in meeting these demands. They hired some woman to “serve” me and i took their envelopes and threw them down direct return to sender on their floor. They went silent and wouldn’t say if they filed or not. Isolated and alienated from all my brothers and their families and told I can’t be helped because they would have to help everyone the same way. Said they were trying to prepare me for the real world. They made a lot of money off of this property by tricking the old man they bought it from, their next door neighbor. He died and they mocked him and pretended he was the crazy unstable one till his death. Then tricked their daughter into signing a rental agreement (they took out 100k on my house and i agreed to pay off that 15 year loan then get another 15 year loan for the remaining 150k. all for just one acre of land and the privelege of paying them rent while we built the house. over 80k just to rent something that would have been torn down and work on it over 7 yrs. 100% our money all the materials and labor. Monsters. Absolute monsters.
      Fighting every day to keep them from selling it. Not interested in ever giving them another nickel after i discovered what they were trying to do with this rental agreement. And now discovering i was used as a useful idiot to build them a free house then pay for it twice until i am one day ejected. Dad says mom keeps watching it rise on zillow and its over 400k. They own like 7 other properties mostly rentals. Sell one of those! ffs
      I always thought i was barely able to take care of myself let alone handle having a child. Doing anything other than this to a child, just loving a child for who they are and not inflicting this upon them seems so easy to me now. Never thought that this is what they were offering when they offered us a chance to own a home. Didnt even know people like this existed.

      Reply
  • September 30, 2016 at 4:19 am

    i read your book running on empty, and i find my self reading your newsletters with great interest.
    this article is not different, once again you are touching in the core of the human being. giving love, real love, is the most important thing parents can give to their children and i wish there was a way to let any parent understand it.
    thank you for letting many people hope and much more, tools to do moves in the right direction to be much more better people and better parents.
    thank you,
    moti

    Reply
  • October 2, 2016 at 5:28 am

    Dear Dr Jonice Webb,
    It has always been a great honor learning about new “emotional skills” and opportunities to integrate the new learning into my relationships and my professional work. You offer your readers opportunities to be better persons and to me, this is great contribution for which you could not be paid enough for by any single individual. Thank you.

    Reply
 

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