Here is a fact that may surprise you. When you grow up in a family that ignores, devalues, or eclipses your feelings, it damages your ability to feel loved as an adult.
Hard to believe, I know, but it is true. I have seen it over and over and over again in my therapy office as I work with folks who grew up in emotionally neglectful families.
I see good, loving people with much to offer and much about them to love, who are incapable of fully accepting and experiencing the love that naturally comes their way.
Childhood Emotional Neglect is, in fact, the silent killer of love. It undermines the feeling of love in a family in myriad silent but powerful ways. It raises children who are emotionally restrained and disconnected from themselves and held back from becoming who they are meant to be.
Growing up with your feelings ignored requires you as a child to develop some special skills. You must learn how to hide this natural, biological expression of who you are (your emotions) from your family.
Pretending you don’t have feelings is like pretending you have no right arm. To make them invisible, you must make sure you do not have them. And this comes at a great cost to you.
So wives drag their husbands to couples therapy because they feel shut out, and perfectly lovable people walk the earth feeling unloved. And none of it is okay.
5 Ways Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN) Makes it Hard to Feel Loved as an Adult
- You didn’t experience enough deep and personalized love as a child. All children have a basic need to feel seen, known, and loved for who they really are. In an emotionally neglectful family, living under the “hold your feelings back” mandate, you are forced to hide this key part of yourself. How can you feel a depth of meaningful love from your family when the deepest, most meaningful part of you is never seen? So you may grow up knowing that your parents love you, but not feeling truly loved. Since the love we receive as children sets up our expectations for love as adults, you are now set up with a lowered ability to absorb and feel love. Having experienced a watered-down version of love from the people who were supposed to love you the most, it is all you know.
- You are walled off from love. As a child, you had to harden yourself against your own natural need to feel loved. Above, I said: “All children have a basic need to feel seen, known, and loved for who they really are.” All children also need emotional validation and nurturance from their parents. As a child, you naturally looked to your parents, over and over again, for those things. And, as a child, over and over again, you were disappointed. Eventually, you learned that there was no water in the well and stopped seeking it. You walled yourself off from your need for validation and love. Where is your wall now? You still have it. And it is blocking you off from the genuine love coming your way.
- You don’t trust feelings in general, and that includes the feeling of love. When your parents discouraged your emotions, they inadvertently taught you some false lessons about emotions. They taught you that emotions, in general, are useless burdens that are best avoided. Now, as an adult, it’s difficult for you to feel that feelings, including love, has value. Some part of you automatically rejects the love that comes your way.
- Disconnected from your emotions, it’s hard to feel your feelings, in general. Your solution as a child was to wall off your feelings as best you could. This is the reason so many adults who grew up with CEN experience a sense of emptiness or numbness: their feelings are still blocked off. When it comes to our feelings, we cannot pick and choose. Unfortunately, along with your anger, happiness, joy, and pain goes your love. They are all sitting on the other side of your wall waiting for you to accept and acknowledge them.
- Love can make you feel vulnerable. To love is to be vulnerable. There is no way around it. When you don’t quite trust feelings in general and you are not accustomed to being seen, validated and known, love can feel more like a challenge than a gift. It’s scary. You may hold back parts of yourself, fearing that if people see the real you, they will leave. Perhaps you see rejection lurking around every corner. Perhaps you are afraid to initiate friendships or activities because you fear that doing so may be burdening the other person or chasing them away. Fear of vulnerability may be holding you back from the satisfying connections you deserve.
One thing I have learned from working with hundreds, perhaps thousands of CEN people is that it is never too late to change and heal. All of the ways that CEN happened to you as a child can be reversed by you, an adult. Begin to follow these steps now.
- Childhood Emotional Neglect can be quite subtle and is difficult to see and remember. Visit emotionalneglect.com (link below in Bio) and take the Emotional Neglect Test to find out if it applies to you. It’s free.
- See the books, Running On Empty: Overcome Your Childhood Emotional Neglect and Running On Empty No More: Transform Your Relationships (links below in Bio) and learn everything you can about Childhood Emotional Neglect: how it happens, its effects, and the healing process.
- From the above you will learn the concrete steps you can take to get in touch with your emotions, learn how to use them, and by honoring your deepest self, change how you are living your life. Choose two goals for yourself to begin your healing.
- You can do it. You deserve it. It’s never too late. Get started.