I got blindsided. And I should have seen this coming. But I missed all the warning signs. And there have been plenty. I am depressed.
I’ve been depressed before, but this time it snuck up on me. And bit me while I was sleeping.
At the beginning of this year, I moved to a new city. I left all of my friends behind, and a scene that wasn’t really working for me – and packed a couple of boxes and gave away everything else, and started over. I thought it would be exciting. A fresh start. Except I didn’t think about what it would be like to live in a city, where the only person I knew, would be the person I would be working for. And I have had the hardest time meeting people.
So now, it’s 10 months later. And other than the people I work with, I don’t have any friends here. I work way too much. Seriously between a full time job, a part time gig teaching lessons and making up stories, and writing the occasional blog post, I work about 72-80 hours a week.
This morning, I woke up late-ish (for me), reheated a cup of yesterday’s coffee, sat on the sofa and binge watched a whole lot of tv programs that wouldn’t normally interest me. And have been unable to eat anything except for tootsie rolls, which were being saved for Halloween.
It’s occurred to me that I could just be tired. Surely exhaustion would make someone feel like this. But I have no drive. No desire to get some fresh air. I have no one to call and go out for coffee with. And all of these thoughts make me feel worse. I work a lot, but for what? To go on a fabulous vacation? No. I work to pay off credit cards and other bills. I love teaching. Really Im crazy about it. But lately, it hasn’t been making a whole lot of sense to me. It’s losing the colour. Everything is turning into various shades of grey.
I am tired. Very very tired. The fact that I am able to go to work and show up at my appointments is from a sense of duty – and not anything else. Anxiety has plagued me for months, and while I attributed it to not knowing anyone in a strange city, it doesn’t ever leave. I am anxious always, at work, while teaching, when I am in my apartment, and when I am outside walking. Its a presence that I would like to do without.
I wish I could tell you this is a once in awhile kind of feeling. But honestly, its been like this for a really long time, I just wasn’t really aware of how bad its become until today.
I left my home, because I desperately wanted to find some happiness. But I am finding that happiness is elusive. And I am right at the point where I have been thinking that I don’t deserve to be happy. That I have caused a whole lot of bad stuff to happen to me. And the more these thoughts come at me – the harder it is to crawl out from under the safety of my blankets.
** There is no photo to accompany this blog post today -because I couldn’t find one that didn’t make me feel like I was being smothered.