10 thoughts on “5 Ways To Think Of The Narcissist

  • March 22, 2017 at 1:02 am

    Hi Tamara,
    Whether the person’s issue were narcissism or most anything else, I think the trouble with me is that I often am too forgiving! (Not being boastful but being forgiving is just part of who I am and what I believe.)
    It’s not always good though because I have experienced situations where the other person SEEMS apologetic at the time but then goes back to the same type of hurtful behavior and then I not only get hurt but I wonder if forgiving that type of person is even helpful or kind to THEM. I mean, what do they learn in the long run if they can either turn on the charm, play victim when they are truly not or manipulate again? But I guess that is probably not necessarily typical with narcissism.
    Gee, maybe an article on forgiveness might be good? LOL!

    Reply
    • March 22, 2017 at 1:19 am

      Hi Lori,
      You are certainly not alone in that. I have been there, my clients have been there, and I’m sure so many other people have as well. I too can be very forgiving which has gotten me in a lot of trouble in my past. I have clients now who have forgiven their loved ones or a spouse only to later experience pain from them again. In these cases, I suggest my client (and I have done this as well) examine the costs and the benefits of staying within the relationship and make a healthy decision from there. Sometimes forgiveness is easier said than done. But most of the time, forgiveness is for your freedom of mind and heart. I am learning that I don’t have to feel pressured to “let the hurt go” but I should feel motivated to set myself free by forgiving.
      Maybe I will do an article on forgiveness! Good idea.
      All the best 🙂

      Reply
      • March 23, 2017 at 9:41 am

        I have a mother who is a narcissist. I been plagued with her wrath all my life. From her constant controlling, teaching, insisting I am doing something wrong or should do it a different way for instance when sharing a holiday or meal together she’ll direct me to cut the onions smaller, not to use too much garlic, don’t waste or use too much of some ingredient of hers, the correct pot and on and on. She devalues everything I’ve ever done. Can’t say I love you or I’m sorry. She is never wrong. She Says I have never done anything she could be proud of and I make all the wrong decisions. Hangs up on me constantly. It’s an ongoing battle that I will never win. I am an intelligent college graduate, world traveler, who has dedicated my life to helping others through my jobs, I have also done elder care and I am an animal activist. I have rescued many animals over time and given them a forever home which she is threatened by as well as any friends or mate I may have because they take time away from being with her. Our time together is toxic for me and she doesn’t understand it. She completely crushes my spirit. Over the years I have tried many says to cope with this but sadly keeping my distance has been my only chance of retaining my sanity. I struggle with guilt for abandoning her which she never ceases to remind me of because I am such a terrible daughter in her eyes when in truth, she doesn’t even know me or even see me as an adult. We have never transitioned from mother child relationship to two adults. I am now 58 and she is 87. I fear we will never resolve our issues and although I consciously know it will never come to be, our time now is previously limited. I am a kind, loving and giving heart but every attempt I make to try to care for her she sees as me trying to take control. We can’t talk about healthcare proxies, power of atty, her wishes or what assets she may have, let alone a will of some kind. I am an only child and I am just torn up about all this. I am not the type who can completely walk away. Any advice would be appreciated more than you could imagine. Perhaps an article on coping with a Narcissistic Parent would really help.
        Thank you, Laura

        Reply
      • March 31, 2017 at 4:11 pm

        Hi Laura,
        Thanks for commenting and sharing your story. I would encourage you to make your interactions with her minimal. It is obvious that she is stressing you out, hurting you, and creating a strain in the relationship. She is aged and probably could truly benefit from you being in her life. But with individuals who are most likely set in their ways, you would do better by minimizing contact and possibly even going around her when necessary. Phone calls should also be cut short, if you decide to use this approach.
        It also sounds as if you are willing to work on things but she is not. A relationship, as you know, entails the work of both individuals. Perhaps you will have to arrive at the decision to accept her behaviors and resolve it in your mind to move on and make life easier for you, if you can, by protecting yourself and minimizing contact.
        I don’t like encouraging people to limit contact with their loved ones but if she is unhealthy for you, you have all the right to do so, at least in my book.
        I wish you all the best

        Reply
  • March 22, 2017 at 8:35 am

    My mother is a malignant narcissist, and I was her ‘scapegoat’ child. I cut ties with her over ten years ago, and her narcissistic nature has made her tell a string of lies to strangers as to why I don’t speak with her. There was just too much manipulation (for example, I did gymnastics as a kid and was good at it. She made me quit, citing financial reasons, yet I found out as an adult that she told my father I chose not to do it anymore. Same thing with my choice of colleges). She called my almost-fiance whom she barely knew and literally talked him out of proposing to me (the second time this happened!). My life, since removing her from it, has flourished in ways I would have never imagined. The last words she spoke to me were, “You’re just going to disappoint yourself again.” I’ve yet to do so.

    When I finally realized what she was (or what she was dealing with), I also realized she would never change. She’d claim that every therapist tells her she’s ‘the sanest person they’ve met’ and will never take a close look at her own issues. Every attempt to ‘woo’ me back in was merely another manipulation – a carrot on a string to make me think things would get better. Sadly, they only got better when I walked away.

    Reply
  • March 22, 2017 at 10:54 am

    I’ve read several of your articles, Ms. Hill, and I think they are very well done- insightful, succinct, wise.

    Regarding forgiveness of a Narcissist’s cruel behavior, I no longer believe in that. Forgiving only invited more abuse. Now I will never forgive him, and he knows that and it keeps him away. This is the best thing for me. I read all the time that one forgives to set oneself free. But that has not been my experience. It just made me feel a fool. I feel righteous in my anger now, and proud that I shut the door to my life and heart from abuse – forevermore. Feels good.

    I do have compassion for him. His childhood was a horror of neglect resulting in being permanently removed from his parents at age 7. He has suffered, and continues to, though he gets no help and he’s made many suffer. I’ve known him since we were both very young, and we are old now. He has regrets, but this doesn’t improve his behavior. I will always love him from afar, but I will never give him the opportunity to hurt me again. I love myself more.

    Reply
  • March 23, 2017 at 2:01 am

    Hi Tamara,
    Thank you as always for your thoughtful response. I hope sometime you DO consider an article on forgiveness. I know it would likely be well received — but then, I truly do think everything you write is!
    I have thought a bit more about it and I find it harder to forgive those closest to me –just as you mentioned. I guess because one doesn’t expect a deep betrayal from someone that is supposed to love and/or protect them.
    I don’t want to take things off topic —sorry!
    Lori

    Reply
  • October 18, 2017 at 10:20 am

    My 94 year old mother-in-law is a classic narcissist. I think she’s of the grandiose version. I’ve known her for 35+ years and am only now understanding what is going on. She’s self-absorbed, highly critical of her family members, initially quite charming but ultimately very mean-spirited. She’s on a current rampage because I’ve distanced myself from her after she insulted me in a public setting. She tried to apologize, but the apology was merely a denial of any wrong-doing. “I would NEVER insult you!” Well, you did. And then in her note she included some letters that other people sent her who were praising how wonderful a person she it. Classic narcissism if you ask me. So anyway, now she’s retaliating by striking my husband out of her will. She uses her large fortune as a form of manipulation. I hate to say this, but I look forward to the day this woman dies. Only then will there be peace.

    Reply
    • October 21, 2017 at 11:19 pm

      Hi Vava,
      Thanks for sharing your story.
      This is complicated because a narcissist can also have bipolar disorder and suffer from mania and grandiose delusions. I once knew of a client of a former colleague who was both a narcissist and someone diagnosed with bipolar 1 disorder. He was not only manic and arrogant, but narcissistic when not manic. His grandiose delusions complicated everything as he became almost “angelic” in his own mind because of his personality disorder (narcissism) and his mental illness (bipolar). Very hard to counsel. With people like this, distance will be your closest friend.

      Take care

      Reply
  • December 1, 2018 at 7:31 am

    My mother in law is a malignant narcissist. She is very mean spirited and will try and destroy anyone with gossip and lies who crosses her. I have been public enemy number one to her because I don’t kiss up. Everyone in that dysfunctional family kisses up to her face and then gossips about her later. I consider myself to be someone who does not try to start trouble and be polite. There is no winning or reasoning with these toxic people. Personally I think they (including mother in law) just enjoy being miserable. The best way is to avoid contact as much as possible. I can’t cut off my mother in law but we see her as little as possible. She is the living embodiment of mommy dearest for my husband. What floors me is my father in law just kisses her you know what. A wise man said though, with a narcissist you kiss up or shut up. Those are your two options. I keep my mouth shut and stay away.

    Reply
 

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