4 thoughts on “Start Having the Sex You Want

  • October 19, 2016 at 11:47 am

    Hi Holly,

    This is an interesting article, and a good way to help people gain sexual self-awareness. However, in my experience as a therapist, the hindering factor is often the “other” in the relationship, rather than the self. Sexual self-awareness and openness to oneself only solves half of the problem if a person is in a committed relationship where their partner isn’t as open, aware, or ready to meet the person where they are at, sexually speaking. I would venture to say I see more of this issue in my practice than I see people who don’t know themselves sexually. I feel like this is a big gap that could be addressed in a future article, if you wish you.


    • October 19, 2016 at 2:42 pm

      It’s always good to have a topic for a future article! In terms of this article, I wasn’t necessarily thinking in terms of people’s presenting issues in the therapist’s office; I was thinking about all the people who don’t truly understand or accept themselves sexually. It’s hard to have a healthy attitude toward sexuality in this culture. It needs to be deliberately cultivated, so I was offering a starting point for how to do that. But I definitely agree that the partner’s issues can be a limiting factor in improving one’s sex life.

  • October 20, 2016 at 5:05 am

    You write: ‘There is no perfect sex life. Ebbs and flows are inevitable. By accepting that, you begin to create a judgment-free environment where good sex is most likely to blossom.’ Our problem is that we have no sex at all, and are hardly likely to be able to use any of your good advice. I wish that there was more support, advice and understanding for those who – in relationships or alone – for some reason have no sexual outlet, or at least other than masturbation. After thirty plus years in a low-sex marriage, when I really pushed, demande that we go to a sex therapist together, my wife finally came out to herself and to me as a lesbian… So where does that leave us? We have chosen to stay together, but she can feel no desire for me. All her past passions have been for other women, though only acted on once, briefly, long ago. Most of those in ‘mixed orientation marriages’ swiftly move to separation and/or divorce. Those who stay and try to make a go of it are a minority of a minority. And our struggles and pains are almost totally invisible.

    • October 20, 2016 at 8:47 am

      I hear your pain, and I know you feel invisible. You’re not alone, though. There are a surprising number of people experiencing what you are, and supporting one another. Have you heard of the Straight Spouse Network? Please visit their website for more information:
      Take good care of yourself, and wishing you all the best,


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