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What Happens to Love in a Bipolar Relationship?

Some time ago, Bob posted a story on our original Bipolar Blog called “Heartbroken and devastated from ending a marriage with my bipolar wife.” In his story, Bob talks about all he would do for his wife only to feel unappreciated and heartbroken. I don’t know Bob or his wife or their situation. Nobody really knows what goes on behind closed doors in anyone’s home. However, I could sort of relate to Bob’s description of how he responded and how he felt.

When you’re in a loving relationship with someone who has bipolar disorder, it’s common to feel frustrated and unappreciated at times. No matter how much you do to show your love, your loved one may not be in a condition to return that love or respond to it in any positive way. The more you do without receiving anything positive in return, the greater the frustration and resentment.

You might start to wonder, “What about me? How long should I have to put up with this?”

231 Comments to
What Happens to Love in a Bipolar Relationship?

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  1. Hi…I’ve been in a relationship with a guy for the past 15 months, we never made it official but did everything that couples do.
    We work together & would spend up to 5 nights a week together.
    In the beggining he was the most amazing, sweetest, caring person but the more I was around him the more I noticed something was not right, he would come to my house but not speak a word, if something went wrong it was my fault, he would ignore me for no reason.
    In the middle of last year I noticed a changed yet again, he was so loving, calling me his princess always ringing me during the day, this went on for weeks then he finally told me he wanted a future with me, it was a dream come true only to tell me one week later he changed his mind.
    We still continued with our unofficial relationship then he had a health problem arise which troubled him a lot & every since then he has continued pushing me away, everything was my fault, he stopped enjoying spending time with me & the sex became less frequent.
    He told me a week before xmas that he misses me & always wants to ring me so he can see me & found it hard driving away from me after our weekly monday night dinner date.
    Now he has started seeing another girl.
    I convinced him to go see a doctor as we both believed he had severe anxiety & bipolar & he was diagnosed with bipolar.
    I’m so hurt, I gave him everything, I put him above myself our entire relationship, he was my world & I love him dearly.
    I’m glad he is now getting help but now I’m left broken hearted eith so many emotions.
    All those times he blamed me or I blamed myself,all those times I cried trying to work out what I had said or done wrong.
    I’m lost & I don’t know how yo get past these feelings.
    I’ve been on this Rollercoaster ride for to long & I need to get off!

    • I’m so sorry for your hurt. I am going through something similar, however I was married and he decided he just didn’t love me anymore. I too have wondered what I did wrong.

      • I’m sorry that you are also going through it.
        Its so cruel.
        He has stopped talking to me completely now & I’m still wondering what I did so wrong to deserve this.

      • I am going through similar. We are living separately after 22 years of marriage. We still see each other and visit..but he has turned cold. It’s heartbreaking.

    • Only time will heal your heart. Believe me I’m going threw it now after 2 months and me ending it. Unfortunate she refuses help, she acts as if she just has an anger problem. She showered me with so much love, then out the blue I could tell there was someone else. I couldn’t understand why and how. But then I had to remember she’s ill. I still cry out of the nowhere sometimes wishing what could have been. But that’s life, the hurt in my heart remains but I glad I don’t have to go that anymore. The lies I could not take. But the bad thing is, I started to accept it , just tell me the truth, as long as I had her in my life. Look toward the future, you are a soldier, you will more than survive. We are new beings after that ordeal, keep your head up. Much love

  2. Recently my love and I went through a very trying time. It was not easy but it was worth it. She went several months and could not say that she loves me and I was so frustrated that I was going through an emotional hell my self. Eventually I had to become cruel and I hated having to be “mean” to her. It was worth it. She was forced to come to terms and acknowledge her love for me and I have become even more grateful to have her in my life. We were so close to splitting ,I thought it was over, and very sad myself. I said things publicly and privately that I did not want to but I had decided that love is nothing to be embarrassed about and then just did it. Bipolar is nothing to be ashamed of , what matters is the love even if it has to be a tough love. In short, fight for the love that you both know is there even when you get dragged down with her or him. Fight and don’t give up, that love is worth it.

    • Hardest thing I ever had to do with my bipolar ex was not touch her. I loved her dearly but in a manic episode she ended up high, on skid row, on crystal meth. She landed in jail for a night wearing someone elses tank top over top of her shirt, and was blackout drunk.

      Given the hypersexuality of both mania and crystal meth, the risk of sharing glass pipes, and the fact she was so blacked out that she lost her phone her purse, credit cards, id and couldn’t even remember that a doctor came to check her out in jail – I couldn’t touch her or be intimate with her until she got an std test.

      In the end it broke our relationship, because she refused to take the test for a month and I felt like she just didn’t care. No amount of begging or pleading to just get tested worked. But I had to be concerned about my health, HIV and Hep are rampant in that neighbourhood and those are incurable.

  3. I have been married for 4 years, to my husband who has bipolar, schizophrenia, and ADHD. We have been together a total of 10 years. We were inseperable, and I thought we were happy. I can relate completely to be unappreciated, cut off physically and emotionally, and the hurt turning into resentment. I tried therapy, but he refusrd. The longer I felt ignored, and unwanted the worse I felt. He was diagnosed in his early 20’s, and is now 34. 5 months ago he experienced what he says is a manic episode, and decided he did not love me anymore, and left. I was devastated, and have tried everything to convince him that his illness is talking, and not him, but without success. He has now obtained a girlfriend, and has placed photos with her on social media. I don’t know who this man is, he hated social media, would never make an effort to acquire some friendships at a church or other get together. And if it did not interest him, it wasn’t a priority. I feel so used, and heart broken. I have researched, and read on the subject. However I wondered if anyone has experienced a similar situation and what helped to get them through it. I’m not real clear where to go from here.

    • Our situations are very similar. My husband and I have been together since high school, going on 14 years. He had always had a distance about him, but I was able to overlook it for many years. He had always suffered from depression and high anxiety, medications were switched around for many years. He has always been high functioning, we have 2 young kids as well that he loves dearly. But he has never been able to handle stress rationally, and over the years his outbursts and personal filter seemed to get worse, almost abusive. However, he did always rely on me to lift him up, I was his supporter and crutch and gave my all and above to him all these years, above myself. Always made him my first priority. This past november (2016), things escalated in about 10 minutes, no fighting no nothing, just watching a comedy show with a couple of close friends, he suddenly got up, put his coat on, turned to tell me he has never loved me in these 13 years, all i have done is bring him down,i have always stopped him from doing what all he ever wanted to do and more ect…and then he just walked away. Within 24 hours, he had a new apartment, moved in with what is known as the whore/slut of town, spent every penny of the only savings we may ever have(2000$), borrowed even more money, cash advanced 100’s of dollars from work… It was truly unbelievable. This was a man always so worried over money, as we have never had it. The torment and heartache the kids and I went through was unbearable. He acted like we didnt really exist, although he did come to visit each day for supper. He had no feelings or emotions towards any of us, me especially, and this was someone who felt so much compassion for everything and loved his kids. He was numb inside and out, suicidal thoughts started surfacing and taking over more than in the past. He commited himself to the local er, 8 hours of assessment, he was diagnosed bipolar in a severe manic state, caused by his antidepressents he had been on for years. A week later, he got in with a local psychiatrist, who also diagnosed borderline personality disorder along with the bipolar, social anxiety, depression, and the list is still being added on. It took about a month before he started coming around mentally, his new gf left him about 3 weeks in, then he hit a bit of a depression. Therapist hadnt started meds yet, just seroquel to help bring the mania down until his next appointment. We started reconnecting, him spending more and more time with us each day. Still walking on egg shells most days though. I asked him if we could be friends with benefits for the tine being, i know he couldnt suddenly feel love again as quickly as it left just yet, but i became desperate for some kind of more connection. He said he didnt want to hurt me by doing that, which was nice to hear he was starting to feel guilt and emotions again, just weeks prior he wouldnt have cared at all. We tested the waters, and both of us realized we did crave it. Just sex though, no affection yet, i promised him i would be patient with that part. Just after christmas he asked if he could move back in, i said no at first, but a couple weeks later things started to crash on him and trapping him in another city, so we agreed to make a spare room downstairs in our house, his room for when he needs his space. He has been living here ever since, and things are gettig a lot better. Therapist started him on a medication, as he is medication resistant they called it, so it is not a typical lithium or bp med. But it does help with the other diagnosis, and the doses will be going up slowly every few weeks, with new ones added. Still a long road ahead, with no gaurantee how each day will fold, but i try to keep the atmosphere neutral as best i can for him. It is so frustrating, like i am trying to help my new husband, all while remembering my old one. Teach yourself distancing. Seperate the person you have known and loved all these years from the person you see today. I had no support for me, i still dont, so i am just talking from experience and not what may be recommended to do. Do your research on these diseases, and keep repeating that this is not really him. Time will tell how he really feels, but only if he gets professional help and the willingness to comply with a treatment plan. I dont always agree with my husbands therapist, and i feel he doesnt tell her all that has happened over the years leading up to his manic episode. I just try to remind him of things when he has a clear minded moment, and hope he will remember them when he sees her next. Writing to you right now is probably the one time i have actually opened up to someone, and i regret that now. Because no one knew what was going on and the severity of it, like my close family and friends, i feel like if i tell them it all now, that ive been living a lie to them. I suffered alone, still do, so please find someone you can trust that is not biased, someone rational and able to just listen. Not many truly understand the world of mental illness, but for the few that do, it is a dark and lonely place to be in. Theres days where my husband still is convinced what all i say is a lie, how i tell him what our life has been like, just doesnt exist. He has called me delusional many times, but it is him that cannot seperate reality from fantasy. Hyper active minds, like our husbands, can escalate from the smallest things, almost like they are thinking too fast to process how events unfolded, leaving them forgetting how things happened or why, allowing them to believe so deeply in false memories. Not that they are lieing to themselves or you, in their mind they are truly justified in their words and actions. They really believe in what they feel at that moment. I am not sure if my husband actually remembers all that he has said and done or if he even realizes how hurt we all are, but i know that until he is really stable on a daily basis, i cant ask for answers. Dont look to deep into everything he does or says, it will make you hurt even more. I feel now like i really did give up my life for him all these years, and now that he is gone mentally and sometimes physically, i dont know who i am anymore. I dont remember the person i was before, its been so long. I live my days in fear of him even going to the store and not returning. He doesnt understand why i feel like that, that he isnt going anywhere, but i remind him that not long ago, in a span of 10 minutes, he left us without any indications, explanations or reason. Trust will be hard to build back up. I hope your husband comes around, even if just as a friend at first. If he sees that you can just be his friend, not see you as his therapist or someone emotionally unstable, im sure he will come around. I didnt expect my husbands crash of depression to come so soon after, but i thankful it did. He got himself help when he realized he just made his life worse and miserable, on his own. He needs to want to get help and better before you can even attempt to repair things. He cant be there for you right now, please dont torment yourself over what has happened, as most definitely none of it is your fault. I know its hard, but a little bit of tough love can go a long way, make a small life outside of him for yourself, you will be happy that you did. It may even pique his interest, seeing you so in control, he may reach out to you sooner. I wish you the best, be strong for yourself, and take of you right now. This will not last forever, but only you can decide when enough is enough.

      • I have not heard or set eyes on my husband for several months now, except on social media with his new girlfriend. I was devastated, and it seemed to set me back even further. So in an effort to save what little sanity, and emotional stability that I’m not ever sure I have left, I am actively researching relocating to another city. We do not have children together, however my son and daughter were little when we first met, and this has greatly affected them as well. They are both grown, my son has a family of his own, and my daughter is in college. I have been told that relocating is running from my problems,and relocating is abandoning my kids. We made our entire life here, and I avoid the regular spots we frequented together, because it is just too painful. My daughter lives with me, and is in college. However, she has been here and has gone through just as much pain as I have. I’m feeling extremely guilty, as she has been keeping me afloat so to speak. Every melt down, every sighting of him, every blow up at him, she’s been right there. She is 18, however becoming or being a burden to my kids is not how I envisioned their future or mine. The city I may relocate to is home to my sister, for all intensive purposes, as she and I grew up in the same group home. She has been trying to convince me to move there from day one, and I believe that is the only option I may have. Of course one always has options, however other than my kids, I do not have any family, and friends are few and consist of mainly co-workers. Part of me feels torn, feeling if I leave and he wants to come back, he won’t know where I am. On the other hand, this may be what’s best for me, and financially I have run out of options. When he left, he left me with being two months behind in rent payments, a $400 electric bill, and a $200 gas bill. I have prayed about it, and prayed about it, and I know GOD has a plan for my family, and I am trying to be patient. However, if anyone can provide me with some feedback or advice, I would greatly appreciate it.

      • Sigh. Your situation is sounding familiar to me. My husband of 6 years has threatened divorce every 3-4 months throughout our entire marriage. He has been on several meds, but in October he stopped the meds completely without telling me. Things got really bad, lots of quick and unexpected mood shifts. He left about 3 months ago and now tells me he hates me and wants a divorce. It’s like he’s a completely different person. He says he doesn’t have bipolar and he is full of rage and anger. It’s so devastating. When he’s not in a mood crisis he’s a loving, kind generous thoughtful man. My heart is broken. I think I’m just going to have to let him go.

    • There nothing you can do to make him remember the love. He has to snap out of it in his own. Honestly you can wait……. But you never know if they will ever come back. I know it’s confusing, they are masters of mind tricks. Gifted they are but you have to realize their ill.

    • I have just read some of these to verify that my husband is bipolar after 20 years of marriage and the cycle of neglect and heartbreak it is very clear to me that he needs drastic help, the threat of constantly wanting to leave and then coming back over and over again is emotionally exhausting, he’s been gone for a month this time with very little communication, mix this with substance abuse and friends to take his money and be there for him, its a no win, if he comes back i would love to help him find some help and try for some peace and happiness, I am relieved to read about this and to know that it is bipolar and not me losing my mind , thanks

  4. i was married to a man for 45 years who was never told he had bipolar,but now I am sure he did He had no control at all He had sex with everyone and everything.He would throw things,and hit me.He would expose himself in public.I couldn’t understand what I was doing wrong,but it was not me.Our youngest daughter has had bipolar for 20 years.She is not violent,but often refuses to take her meds.She has two little boys that I have to take care of . Sometimes i don’t know what to do. prolixin works for her better than anything,but she says it makes her too sleepy, Now she is going on abilify. I am afraid she will find out it is going to sedate her and make her just as tired ,or more so.

  5. I love my partner of nearly 9yrs. Everything about the real Jo is someone I respect, admire and deeply care for.

    When we first met I could always tell that she was not happy with her past, Jo had gone travelling at the age of 19 on her own and left her family back in North America. I later found out that her dad had been an alcoholic and this had greatly affect her and her 2 sisters. She seemed to have a close relationship with her mum and that seemed to be very important to her, however her family didn’t seem that close. I always found Jo to be very closed about her family and would always deflect difficult emotional questions about her past.

    I think, looking back, Jo always had signs of Bipolar disorder and I think she used drink as a way to cope. Even early in our relationship I remember being worried about how much she would drink, which always confused me as she had seen first hand with her father the damage it could do. However all that aside I loved her so much.

    Jo was always a workaholic, she would literally injure herself working. Her job was very labour intensive and quite male dominated to be honest. However she seemed to take it as a personal challenge to work. Her shift patterns would mean she would be working sometimes 12 hr day which I thought was stupid, but she always took it seriously. Jo had also started a degree which she would complete on her days off. At one point between her work and studying we never actually had any private time at all. Thinking back this might have been her more manic times?

    The day the real depression kicked in was my fault. Due to not seeing Jo I stupidly went looking for attention with other women. Jo caught a text from a women I was flirting with whilst we were on holiday and that’s when everything got so much worse! I was looking for attention but I hadn’t had an physical affair. Jo was ok at first we talked about it and I said how lonely I felt with her not being around. I also mentioned to her that I thought she was having an affair with a work colleague. She would go to work with crippling back pain sometimes even though I told her to stay at home. What I realise now is that even though Jo couldn’t see her mistakes in our relationship, she looked at me as her stability in her life, by finding the texts she felt incredibly vulnerable.

    The next 2 years saw Jo incredibly depressed. Her behaviour became increasingly depressed and led to aggressive outbursts, days where she just stay in bed and suicide attempts. I was desperate to get her help! You could see the pain on her face when she was trying to keep the bad thoughts away, but all to often they would come out directed at me. It was terrible for her and I hated seeing that, however my stress levels were also through the roof!

    We must have seen nearly all the mental health workers where we live. On one specific occasion Jo had an appointment to see Psychiatric councillor at her GP’s. Before she went I asked her to be completely open and honest as possible. Jo was, and this horrible women told her that she was unable to help and had been particularly patronising. Jo rang me at work in floods of tears close to suicide. I spent an hour talking her down and said we will go back and see the GP. We did but Jo had decided to take some recreational drugs and by the time I saw her she was high. We got to the GP’s and the doctor decided to up her depression tablets. Think back I really don’t understand why the GP didn’t refer Jo to a psychiatrist as the doctor looked out of her depth.

    After the increase in her depression tablets, Jo’s hypomania really started. She would be hypo for a week and come crashing down to deep depression. Jo would just pic on me about anything if I came home late, who I was on the phone to or if she thought I didn’t show her enough affection. It was exhausting for both of us! Jo had been given some anti anxiety medication from the GP. We got into an argument and she just exploded! The next thing I know is Jo had come back to bed saying she had taken 20 of these pills. We went to the hospital and finally she was referred to a psychiatrist.

    It was a relieve to get the diagnosis of Type 2 Bipolar, she was also told she had Bpd as well. However Jo was drinking and on drugs regularly, her behaviour seemed to be worse than ever. I loved her so much and just wanted to help, but I was struggling to find away forward. I was always looking after the money which she was always spending, mostly on drugs and alcohol. I had to deal with her moods and make sure she was taking her tablets. It was all so much to manage with a partner that was unable to help emotional or practically sometimes. I was all taking a toll on me too.

    The tablets Jo had been prescribed by the psychiatrist looked like they had an immediate affect. Jo was happy again and seemed to be back to herself. Unfortunately that didn’t last long and her mood swing pattern had changed. I think that another one of her triggers is her current job, she has a sales role now and that can be high pressured. It seemed like Jo would be fine on Monday but get gradually more and more hypo during the week. Friday would come a long and she would be at her most hypomanic. I would struggle to get her home from work, she had been out until the early hours of the morning sometimes without letting me know where she was but the worst was when she actually got home. Jo would always ask for money for recreational drugs on a Friday. It was easy to give in otherwise we would get into the most terrible of arguments generally about me controlling her money/life and this would be a weekly event.

    One Friday Jo was back at home hypomanic. She had an umbrella and was being quite funny about where to put it to let it dry? I moved it as it was right in the way and that led to her wanting to place it somewhere else because where I had placed wasn’t good enough. I asked her there and then if she had been drinking and she exploded! Jo got more and more upset and angry, she wanted to walk out like she always did in these arguments, but then she launched a right hook which narrowly missed my face! I pushed her back to stop her from hitting me again but she continued to hit my chest, shoulders and arms. I was a bit sore for a couple of days. It turned out that Jo had run out of her medication, and between the GP and Jo she had been out for 2 and a half weeks. She called 111 for help and had been honest about the violence, they immediately called and ambulance and the Police. I stupidly got the operator to stop the ambulance, so wish I hadn’t done that, but the police came round anyway.

    We finally got her tablets but the same pattern of moods was there. I was desperate, I could keep on with this behaviour. She wasn’t threatening to killer herself anymore, but her drug taking and drinking were very bad. She also seemed to be less empathetic with my emotions too? Anyway one Friday she was wanting to stay at work late, I asked why and she blow up again. I wanted to get her into hospital to be honest as I could control her. I said that I would call 999 if she didn’t come home as she seemed to be all over the place. Jo was worried because of the Police making a note of her violent behaviour only 2 weeks previously . She called a close friend saying that I was trying to get her sectioned. Her friend, after calling me, said to Jo just go home. Jo rang me again around 9pm saying she wanted to come home. I said that’s fine but you have to take your illness seriously, she said ok she would, then immediately asked for money for drugs! I said no! She got off the phone and arranged to stay at one of her colleagues houses. Over the next few days Jo had hacked into my private and work emails looking for proof that I had been cheating or something? I called the Police again and they stopped it. We are apart now, I don’t know where she is and our relationship seems to be completely unimportant to her. Personally I am gutted! I love and care for Jo but I just can’t handle her. She is the most amazing individual I have ever met but also one of the most trouble. I miss the real Jo not what this horrible illness has made you become….

    • I thought I would reply to my own blog with some hope. I am still having to deal with the aftermath of my relationship with Jo, but I can confidently say that it is getting easier. The pain is subsiding and I am able to move forward. The best part of all of this is the living in a constant state emotional stress has gone away and I am me again! I will always love Jo but her life has and will alway be challenge. It’s a challenge which I am glad I am not taking part in anymore. Bipolar suffers, pleaee try and think about what you are putting your partners through. We don’t deserve it we just love you. Love yourself and the people closest to you!

      • It was surreal that as I was writing to say that my life was coming back together and trying to offer hope, Jo comes crashing back into my life with a huge bombshell. Literally the day that the hopeful post was put onto the website Jo rings me up to tell me that she is pregnant with my child!

        The phone conversation was the most horrendous conversation I have had with Jo. Of course I was blamed for everything, her mental health, money, the state of her life anything that was wrong was all attributed to me. I asked how this happened as in 9 years of our relationship we have not even had one pregnancy scare. Jo flippantly said that the ‘pill didn’t work’ and then slowly admitted to not taking it properly during the last months of our relationship. Jo wanted a termination and called the child a ‘parasite’ as I was the father. I was devastated as I have been through a termination before and know how stressful and emotional it is. I could tell that Jo was depressed, even though she was being verbally abusive to me she didn’t put the phone down on me once. If she was in a hypo state she wouldn’t stay on the phone at all. It was me that ended the conversation on the telephone and it was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I knew that putting he phone down would mean the termination of the baby she was carrying.

        Jo had agreed to me coming to the consultation for the termination very easily. This surprised me as she was determined she could do this on her own. During the phone conversation she told me she was 3 to 4 month pregnant. Well, when I met her an hour prior to the appointment you could see that was a lie. Jo was showing! To cut a very painful story short, whilst in the appointment for the termination the ultrasound showed that she was actually 7 months pregnant!

        We are now having a child together and my world is upside down again. This is more painful and stressful than before and I hate the fact that I am link to Jo forever. Currently we are not talking and I have asked her to stay away from my family and myself. I will love this child regardless of the horrific way Jo has acted during the pregnancy. Her behaviour has been disgusting and I can’t forgive her for this situation regardless of her mental health. Jo is destroying lives without any care or empathy for her actions which includes the very child she is carrying. I have tried being understanding but I give up, I wish I had never met her!

      • My heart goes out to you, trully. I am still struggling to function on a daily basis since my husband suddenly left me in Sept. I have pushed all the hurt as far down as I can, and I refused to let it get to me. I hurt yes, but I guess now the affects of all of it are trying to appear-I can not imagine having to reopen that wound and now with a child. In all the reality of things, without sounding like a horrible person I hope-you could always give up your rights to the child. And I only say that because I know first hand how this illness is so hurtful, and emotionally devastating to the the spouse. It has turned me into someone I do not recognize anymore, I feel as though my heart will never heal, and someday’s don’t know if I ever want it to. I wish you the best, and hope that things work out for the very best.

      • Jon,

        I couldn’t help but follow your story. It’s been a few months. How are things going for you?

      • The situation hasn’t gotten any better. I was willing to except my daughter regardless of the situation that happened around the pregnancy. I made it clear to Jo however that I didn’t want anything more to do with her. Jo was expecting me to except her and used the baby as her tool to get what she wanted, that being said I stuck to my convictions and wouldn’t be bullied by her.

        Due to Jo’s mental health the child was classed as ‘at risk’ and therefore Jo got a lot of help. However the lies she told Social Services about allegations of domestic violence that I had supposed to have committed were outrageous! I will make it very clear right now, I have never been violent towards Jo! The only Police call outs have been towards Jo’s behavior due to her bipolar episodes.

        I am sure there are other fathers in the UK that have had similar experiences with social service to me, I found they were absolutely useless and seemed very uncaring towards my situation. I am a single father who wants just to care for a child which was presented to me in a disgusting way! As I said previously I will love this child regardless of the hideous situation.

        Jo text me to say she was in labour as I had asked her to, however she then started another hideous rant. Jo was back to being abusive via text and not allowing me to come to the hospital. Jo spoke to her midwife to say that I was stressing her out and stopped me from being at the birth. All I kept on saying was ‘I just want to see my daughter.’ My daughter was born on the 24th of August which I found out by a Facebook post! I was and am gutted!!

        I haven’t seen my daughter at all as of yet. Jo has blocked all my family and friends from her Facebook where she has left pictures of her, and I have had no contact. What really gets to me is that I have a daughter who is 10 and she is doing very well indeed, she really is a credit to me. I therefore have 10 years of excellent parenting and yet as a father that means nothing. Jo has a mental health issues, drug and alcohol dependencies and no parenting experience at all. However she still has more rights to me over my new born. The law has to change!

        I took the very painful decision to step away from my newly born daughter as I didn’t want to be under Jo’s mentally ill control. This has been the single hardest decision I have ever made. I love being a dad and regard it as the single most important relationship in my life. Jo has taken that away from me and that will forever hurt immensely. I wake up at night wondering whether I have made the right decision and what this poor child’s life will be like. However I cannot be around Jo that is for sure…..

  6. “Forgiveness is the final act of love”

    Every comment section about loving a bipolar person is the same. Confusion. Hurt. Anger. Hate. I understand because I dated a bipolar woman. We were friends first and she always had a certain amount of respect for me because of our prior relationship. Of course once we dated a lot of that went out of the window. I became one of the other countless lovers to fall for her and then ultimately be treated cruelly.

    I have forgiven her. I forgave her for two reasons:

    1. Having bipolar disorder is frightening and often lonely. As you all know, after episodes a bipolar person’s life can be in shambles. I forgave her because I want her to know that at least one person in this life will always love her unconditionally. It doesn’t mean I stayed for the continued abuse. I did not. I walked away when I felt loving her was destroying me; but I left the relationship with her knowing ‘you are loved’. I don’t know if she will remember this every day, but I hope when she needs it most she remembers. “You are worthy of love.”

    2. The second reason I forgave her was for me. It was destroying me inside to harbor anger and hate towards her. Would you feel the same way about someone with a physical disability? I know the answer to that question is ‘no’ because everyone on this forum has a big heart… a heart big enough that we passionately loved a person with a mental illness. Yes, we got hurt. Yes, we were direspected. Lied to. Used, etc; but I encourage you to forgive the Bipolar person you loved AND forgive yourself for staying too long OR not loving them enough.

    I write to you from the other side of forgiveness. It is a place I can live in with peace; and despite all of the pain I experienced, I often find myself saying aloud around the house, “Dear Universe, please take care of this woman I love.” And then I move on with my day. There is but so much we can do for someone. Sometimes we have to give it to a greater power.

    Forgiveness, healing and peace to you all.

  7. I am or I was in a relationship with a boy that has bipolar and at times he is ok and other times he is not. We were living together and things were ok for about 3 weeks and the day before my birthday he went crazy texting me saying that he didn’t want to live with me anymore. He didn’t say that we were breaking up all he said was bye then he hung up the phone. Later he texted back saying he was coming to get his things the day of my birthday I told him no but he came anyway. He did say hi to me but I was so upset that he didn’t respect me. I tried calling him to tell him that I wasn’t really mad at him I was just upset but he hasn’t responded. He did this once before and he came back but now I don’t know what he is thinking now. Is there a chance that he will because he said that he did love me but I’m not sure.

  8. I haven’t seen or spoken to my husband of 4 years, and together total of 7 years: since September. The 30th Of April would of been our 4 year wedding anniversary. Some days, I have to pull out the paperwork from the day we were married to convince myself it really did take place, because I guess I still strugle with things and how devastated and broken it has left me. I thought I might be starting to see the light, but I guess I can only take it day by day. Does it ever, ever get easier? I feel like I’m in limbo, waiting…..but I don’t know what for. I can’t seem to snspout of it.Im I feel like moving away would be best, any thoughts?

    • I understand completely how you are feeling, I have the exact same emotions about my partner. I would implore you to try and move on as painful as it is. I have found that the most painful part of the brake up is the unfinished business of the relationship and knowing you may well not get any answers. I am still hurting but every day I feel a little better. There isn’t an easy answer to give you and all of it is very painful. Just one day at a time that’s all you can do..

  9. Hi, I contributed a comment to this blog 4 years ago and clicked the “Notify me of future comments” box. At the time I posted my comment I was in despair and searching for hope. I had been deserted by my ex who had been diagnosed with Type I bipolar. He had cheated and abandoned me during his manic episode.

    I ended up moving away from Chicago to NYC and started my life over. I also was in therapy for two years and was diagnosed with PTSD as a result of the relationship. I took my healing from the trauma I suffered from being in an abusive relationship seriously. I sporadically get updates to this comments section and am going to unsubscribe today, however, I feel like I should leave a to do list of what I think one should do if they find themselves emeshed in a relationship with an unmediated bipolar individual.

    1. Get into therapy. Although your significant other is the diagnosed one, living with a mentally ill individual whi is not med compliant will wear you down and traumatized you.

    2. Leave. It’s not your job to take care of this person if they are abusing you (cheating, lying , taking advantage of you financially), even if you are married and have kids.

    3. Research codependency and trauma bonding. Inform yourself on your own condition. Knowedge is power.

    4. Cut contact and file restraining orders.

    5. Realize that bipolar cheating is just cheating. Manic hypersexuality is not an excuse for cheating.

    6. Work on your self esteem and on yourself. There is a reason why you’ve stayed in this abusive relationship, learn to love yourself and move forward.

    7. Get on with your life, take back control of your life, move forward and shine.

  10. I need to deal with all the confusion, and hurt, and anger I have bottled up. But Everytime I go to a therapist it’s the same thing, I wanna know what ur ferling how does this make u feel etc. I get the whole sharing feelings, and such. But do they get that I need answers to the why’s in myself so maybe I can make sense of the why notsin my life? . I know therapy is a process, and takes time it’s just frustrating.

  11. I met a guy in December 2015 from work and straight away he told me he had bi polar, and that time I never understood bi polar but told him it wasn’t an issue. We started dating in February 2016, and we got on great then I started grieving for my 2 brothers and dad who passed away many years ago. At that time I never saw “bi polar” stages but he couldn’t cope with me so we broke up 3 months later, which ended up in a lot of abuse from him. Everyone told me I was better off without him as he didn’t treat me right.
    However, 2 months later I heard from work that he had a breakdown and went to the walk in centre, as of now we had no contact so I messaged him asking how he was and that I had heard he was unwell. Then we started talking and went to go and see him a few weeks later. Basically this was the start of his 7 month depression stage, I went to visit him on a regular basis as he was having suicidal thoughts and a month later we decided to get back together. At the time, he was on long term sick, while I was still working, he had hardly been any money and was struggling to buy food, gas, electric and pay for his bills. I ended up buying him food, and paying for things as I couldn’t see him struggle and also he expected it, and if I didn’t it caused arguments. I then went away in November and got lambrythitis and vertigo which lasted for 2 months and resulted me to loose my job. During this time, I had bought him gifts from my holiday and for Christmas and I got nothing and had to deal with grief from relatives because they thought it was unfair. I started to live with for a couple of weeks to help him, as he wasn’t washing, cleaning, eating and he ended up loosing 3 stone. As I was ill and also going cbt, I found it so stressful dealing with my problems and his but I loved and cared about him I stuck by him. However recently he got a big back pay of money and spent it all on bets, games etc, and he bought me £50 worth of makeup. He went to see a psychiatrist and they told him he is on the verge of a manic episode. He wasn’t sleeping, barely eating, active mind, splashing his money, this caused arguments as I was trying to help and was getting no where. I started to want more affection like phone calls, face times , dates and so on and he kept saying yes but they never happened. Months went by and nothing was changing, we kept thinking about breaking up but getting back together, he said the relationship was overwhelming so I started seeing him less but it wasn’t enough. However he’s started the gym, and booked to see WWE live, and the night before this event he told me to explain myself better to people how I feel dealing with my grief for people to understand, we had a 3 hour talk and he said I was too stressful due to my mood swings and crying. However 2 hour shift later I got constant messages saying how I had risen his adrenaline and made him anxious and he couldn’t sleep, I then got 3 hours of abuse saying I had ruined his event as he wouldn’t be able to go as he would have a panic attack, told me I never brought him proper food and didn’t want to spend my money, how I say I will change but never do, then told me he wants to call it a day as it is too stressful for him at the moment. I tried to not make this happen but he was adamant. I told him I will give him space and time to get his head clear, and we are still speaking. I got stressed from 2 hours sleep that made me vomit and he went to his event, so I got abuse for nothing. We’ve been through a lot and care a lot about each other, but I’ve always been supportive towards him, but I always get a lot of shit for my mental health. I worry a lot about him as he has no one, none of his family bother with him it’s basically just me. I don’t know what to do anymore😞

  12. I am 56 and was diagnosed with bi polar disorder, PTSD, anxiety, bi polar depression and ADHD in my early 20’s and I was able to have a successful career and some healthy relationships, however as I have gotten older I have had a difficult time living with my disabilities. It just seems like none of the medications work, my career is over, my family and many friends have stopped contact with me. For almost two years I was experiencing manic sexual behavior in where I had many partners sometimes more than one person in a day, I was just never getting enough. Then I met a wonderful man who knows and pretty much understands the difficulty I am having. He treats me like gold but sometimes I get angry with him for no good reason and then feel guilty about it,miso I have some emotions. We have been together a year next month and we have had sexual relations 3 times, he asks me but never pushes me and I know he is feeling frustrated, he wants to show me his love for me. I have no urges to have sex and I can’t even pretend. I should be madly in love with this person and I think deep down inside I am but I can’t feel it and I can’t say it. I don’t want to end this relationship because he is so good to me, he keeps me company when I can’t leave the house and sometimes is able to get me out and in a good mood. He is very understanding and patient and he is the kind of man I need in my life but I can’t give him what he needs. My Dr. Said not just the Meds are effecting my not feeling sexual or feeling the love but it is the illness as well. I don’t know what to do. I want to be able to tell him I love him and be able to have sex with him. I’m lost.

  13. I just passed her on the road, she shot me the finger and my emotions are off the chart. I truly love her, went through 11 years of the relationship so good at first but as time went on and I found out she was bipolar I knew why she could be so loving and then be so destructive. I wanted us to work and now know I was co-dependant, confused at the cheating,and outrageous lies she would tell. Not to exclude that my friend raped her years ago, that I tried to molest her daughter, gave her hepatitis, etc. All of those things never happened of course but she swore to them. I still think of her everyday and night and ask god to please give me the strength to carry on and for her to at least think something good about me. The best advice when you on the receiving end of bipolar hate is to pray first of all and then just leave them alone even if they contact you with some crazy thing that is of no importance, and then you don’t know if you’ll hear from them again I used to reply but force myself not to now because it leads nowhere except to more hurt. She could have had me if she could have given me a happy future but I know that she is incapable and I can’t personally live the rest of my life not knowing what’s around the next corner and that she’s with another man now. I will always love her and hope in time cannot let just the sight of her or occasional text bring me down to a place I hate. Praying to god is the only real way to being fixed someday.

  14. My and my wife have been together for 6 years total and married last year. Half the time we are in a long distance relationship(different countries), she was finishing up her degree and I was busy with my work. However we would meet up for months at a time whenever we had the chance, usually when she is on a break from Uni.

    In the 5 years that we’ve dated I had always half expected she would cheat on me, but none of it ever happened. She loved me fiercely and I returned that love, we planned to get married once her Uni was done and so she could finally move in with me and live together.

    After our marriage however due to my deployment she returned home to her family so that she wouldn’t be alone in a different country. I came back from deployment and we started the paperwork process for her immigration and due to some troubles I had to visit her and she had to visit me before we got everything in order. However in the last month she told me she had to set up an appointment with a psychiatrist because she was going nuts because of her family, this has happened before so I didn’t think much of it, but it was her first time going to a psychiatrist.

    A few days after she started acting strange, I couldn’t get a hold of her and she always avoids me and when we finally got to talk she was distant and odd so I asked if she has cheated on me, and she told me she had. I asked her why and she told me it just happened, she has no romantic feelings for this guy but it happened after she had smoked weed for the first time. I asked her about her psychiatrist appointment and she told me that she had all these odd feelings lately and always wanted to have sex with other men all the time and that she has been drinking more and spending more money, full of energy. And her Psychiatrist believes she might be going through a manic episode but did not make a diagnosis, me and her are very ignorant on this subject so I brushed it off as a minor contributing factor. I did ask her to keep going to the psychiatrist but she refused stating that there is nothing wrong with her.

    After talking to some people they told me that Mania is serious and she should get a proper diagnosis is when I start looking into the whole thing and learned quite a great deal, but its still confusing to me.

    I can see the pain and anguish in her face when I found out she cheated, however the events following that told me she didn’t care too much. She friended the guy she cheated on me with on social media and continue to have sex with at least 2 other guys, continue to go out and party and lived her life as if nothing happened. When I talk to her she tells me that she can’t control it and it makes her feel good, though she promises to not do it she would just do it again. It is uncharacteristic of her to lie so she is terrible at it and all it requires is me asking “are you sure” before she tells me the truth. So I do believe her when she tells me she is using the first guy for weed and sex.

    I asked if she wanted out of the relationship but she said she doesn’t know, and wants to meet up first before deciding, she said she didn’t want lose me but she believes that she cannot control her urges and will continue to cheat on me if we stayed together. So we set a date to meet up and work things out, initially I asked for 3 months which she agreed too. However when I talked to her last she said 2 weeks, citing she is doing well at her MMA gym and didn’t want to lose her friends or progress she has made, and that anytime she misses an event she gets real anxious. I asked for more time and she started to get real hysterical and was in tears about it. Is this what they mean when they say manics will find one thing they focus on and will get irritable and angry when someone gets in their way?

    She has agreed for me to fly out to meet her then she comes back with me and we will go see a psychiatrist together, but I think she wants to “help” me with family therapy and I told her it was for her to get diagnosed. She started to look up manic and was worried once its tied to bipolar, but I don’t think she truly understand the full scope of it. I am hoping when I meet her and get a diagnosis she would accept treatment.

    • Hi DNA

      I have some experience being in a similar situation of a long distance relationship to wanting to live together permanently wlth my partner who was undiagnosed bipolar when we got together then diagnosed whilst together. He had a psychotic episode whilst visiting me and the doctors thought it was triggered by weed and LSD. Completely unbeknownst to me he had been smoking weed for some time excessively. He had made out he led a very clean drug and alcohol free lifestyle. A troubled family parental divorce and father relationship meant when he broke down he was experiencing emotions related to the family issues mixed up with periods of mania, delusions and depressive suicidal ideation. After being hospitalised the doctor in charge told him in no uncertain terms that weed was the worst possible thing with bipolar and likely to trigger multiple psychoses and never to touch it again. He posted some images on social media of him at a festival after his year and a half recovery to regain his mind after promising he would never smoke again. It was evident he was high so I challenged him and he has not spoken to me and will not to me since. Apparently I broke his trust when I believe he was so paranoid thinking I could know that so he decided I believe to choose weed over me. That’s where I draw the line as it’s becoming self harm to him and I believe he is now with a partner where they both smoke together and is at risk of greater mental health crises.

      My advice to you although I know you’ve made a strong commitment in marriage is until your partner takes her mental health seriously, understands how her behaviour and choices can affect this and You and knows how to practice discernment and self care you are at risk of extremely high emotional stress and PTSD and anxiety resulting from this. Her not knowing what she wants and changing the time goal posts to resolve things is very similar to my ex’s behaviour. I believe the illness and lack of being present which is compounded and amplified hugely by weed mean healthy boundaries and accountability become extremely compromised.

      I felt moved to reply to give you a perspective. Anger relating to control can be a hallmark of bipolar out of control untreated but also magnified by weed. If she can get the right help and support and see your needs and empathesise with you and her wounded self too then you can work through this but that decision is hers. My ex choose not to carry through on talking therapy or stopping the weed although medicated now I believe it’s a time bomb as when high he might forget to take his meds and the risk of another episode from both increases.

      Hope you do work it out at least to a point where you both feel some peace.

  15. My husband of 6 years, been together for 7 years, is exhibiting signs of an episode. He was diagnosed with bipolar disorder as a teen, but claims that he was misdiagnosed and refuses to get help. We have a 5 and 6 year old together and prior to this, my friends and neighbors viewed him as the “perfect husband/father”. This July we celebrated our 6 year anniversary and everything was wonderful. He showered me with gifts and told me how much he loved me and I made us a huge meal and gave him gifts as well. That weekend I got a sitter and we had a romantic dinner and walked hand and hand around our downtown area. Less than a week after that, he went to visit family out of state that he hasn’t seen in almost 20 years. They’re his dad’s family and he stopped talking to his dad when he was 16 due to him being abusive. When he came home, he was very distant and disconnected. He’d leave in the middle of the night “to clear his head” and constantly leave to make phone calls. When I finally confronted him about his behavior, he broke down and started crying, I right away assumed he was having an affair and yelled at him. (I know, it was wrong of me) after that, he completely shut down and refused to talk to me. A few days after that, he started packing his truck up and when I asked what he was doing, he claimed that he wanted to get some of the bigger items out of our house bc he wants to sell it to move. Within a week, he completely moved out and blocked me from calling him. He shut off our internet and I received a notification that my phone would be shut off in a month. I was crushed. I had access to his email and saw that he had been in contact with a real estate agent about moving into a trailer. When I finally did get in contact after a week of no contact, I learned that he was living with his mother. I tried reaching out to her and his sister and aunt, but they all refused to talk to me. He’s been blaming me and claiming that we’ve had all of these issues and that I chose to ignore the signs that he was planning on leaving me. I had a 5th birthday party planned for our daughter that him and his fam knew about for about a month prior to this and none of them showed up. I went to his mother’s house after the party to confront him and he blew up at me. Said some of the meanest things and turned it into me not loving him and just being with him bc I became comfortable (which is not true) It’s now been over a month since he’s left and he comes and goes as he pleases. Sometimes he shows up early in the morning and will cook us breakfast and hang out as if nothing is wrong. He’s hot and cold with me. Some days, he tries hugging and kissing me and getting intimate, other days, he’s distant. When I talk to him, it’s like I’m talking to a stranger. In front of his mother, he’s cold and cruel to me. I found that he has a lot of credit card debt that he accumulated and is in over his head. He was escorted off the premises at work and was forced to get a psych evaluation before he could go back, but he refuses to admit that there’s an issue. I finally had enough of it the other day and told him that he can’t come over here acting like there’s nothing wrong bc he’s messing with my emotion and that it’s confusing to the children. I told him that he can’t touch me anymore until he figures himself out. Sometimes I think he gets pleasure in hurting me emotionally. He had a tattoo of my name and couldn’t wait to show me that he had it covered up with another tattoo. He actually smiled when he saw how devastated that I was. He flips out if I even ask him what his plans are. He told me that there’s a 50/50 chance that he’ll move back in. Won’t say if he wants to work things out. I’ve begged him to go to counseling with me, but he refuses to. He is sometimes delusional. We have the police watching the park by our house bc of the drug dealings that have been going on and he accused me of having them watch him when he’s with the kids. Yelled at me and left and refused to talk to me for days. The kids and I never know when we’ll see him. He blew off curriculum night last night and I tried calling him at his mother’s and texted her and she ignores me. Think she’s enabling him. He’s always complained that she was disconnected with him growing up, now it seems like he’s enjoying the attention that she’s finally giving him. She resents me bc he got a good job and then married me instead of staying there to help her out financially. She’s had to be the breadwinner bc when she married her second husband, he became disabled. Always looked to my husband to be the man of the house. Her and my husband both justify their actions even when they’re not right. Wonder if she might have bipolar as well. Feel like he’s on a path of self destruction and is taking everything out on me. He’s been recently hanging out with people that he claimed he couldn’t stand. Somehow I’ve become the enemy and they’re his “knight in shining armor”. I’ve reached out to his aunt to try talking to him bc I’m worried. Last summer he had an episode and threatened to take his life. It was right before he was scheduled to get surgery. After that, he “snapped out of it” and was fine again. (At least I thought he was) I am so lost and don’t know what to do. My daughter has a fear that I’m going to leave her bc of how he left and cries at school bc she thinks that I won’t be home when she gets off the bus. I’ve tried every approach to try to get through to him, but it’s hopeless. I’m afraid that he’s going to have us lose everything.

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