I travelled back to my home city to see family and friends for my 47th birthday. This is my year of firsts. The first birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas etc on my own. So that being said, I wanted to be with my family and friends who I consider family for this birthday. And it was just what I needed. It was like being in a really big hug. People who love you no matter what are irreplaceable. And I am blessed to have a special few in my life that are my world. And I got to hang with them for a few days and celebrate my birthday. And it was just what the doctor ordered.
When you are dealing with a break up you feel really worthless. At least I did. I questioned everything about me and who I thought I was and where I was going. It has been a very reflective period in my life. And I haven’t always been happy with what I have seen in myself.
And I guess that is good because it forces you to think about making changes and actually doing it. I wasn’t happy with the way I was looking physically. I wouldn’t say I had let myself go, but I need to lose about 35 pounds. That’s pretty significant. So I overhauled my eating and joined my friends at Weight Watchers for some help. Just one of the things I committed to changing.
I also wanted to change careers. So I did that. I am on my second week on the new job. It is going good. There are some really nice people that I get to work with. Lots are around my age too, which is cool. It isn’t a workplace full of 20 year olds. I wouldn’t say I am totally comfortable, but I think it is going to be a good fit. There are going to be some challenges, but where can you go where there aren’t any of those?
I wanted to commit to be the best person I could be in our break up. That’s not easy. And honestly it takes two to be respectful to each other. Thankfully for whatever reason we are moving forward with our lives and not trashing each other in the process. That is something I am really proud of. I would like to say I am leaving this relationship gracefully. At least I am trying.
The coming period is going to be challenging. Christmas is coming up. I don’t have any plans. I don’t have any holidays. So I guess it is me and my work during that period. Honestly Christmas has never really been one of my favourite times of year. If you have dealt with depression you understand that that time of year can be tough. There were many years that I didn’t decorate or put up a tree. Frankly I just wanted the whole thing to pass and wake up sometime in January.
I sing in a choir and we are doing a Christmas concert. We started rehearsing in August. Can you imagine doing Christmas material in August? Especially if it isn’t your most wonderful time of the year? It has been rough. Thankfully our choir performs some unique and untraditional pieces so it isn’t anything like Deck the Halls or White Christmas. But still it has been in my face for three months already.
I will do my best to manage the holidays. As I am sure you will too. I have learned in this last period of time that life does truly go on. It doesn’t stop for anyone or anything. And you are either an active participant or you are letting life pass you by. I decided around the end of July that I wasn’t going to be sitting around crying my face off anymore. I had to pull myself together and keep moving forward. Honestly I didn’t like the alternative.
I want to be healthy. I want to be strong. I want to keep my shit together. I really do. I want to do an exceptional job in my new career. I want to continue to keep taking care of myself. I have made a commitment to myself that I am going to do what is right for me right now. I have spent too much time taking care of everyone else. The time for me is now.
I hope you can make a similar arrangement with your inner self too. We are given precious few moments on this earth. And I want to spend it being the best version of myself that I can be.