Well I sulked for a while after not getting that last job. I really did. Full on grown up sulked. I felt like a bit of a fool for doing all of that extra work and not getting the job. They did tell me that it was a hard decision and that I was on their radar and that I should apply for another position in the company. So after a full period of feeling sorry for myself I did apply for another job with the same company.
My interview is on Monday. I can’t believe I am doing this to myself again, but I am. I would like to just fast forward to the first day that on the new job, but there are all these hoops I have to jump through first.
I have been working full time for a two weeks now. That is kind of a big deal for me. It is extremely difficult to be honest with you. I need plenty of rest and working 8-9 hour days 5 days a week is a lot for someone with a mental illness. It is a lot for anyone.
I am trying to manage my down time effectively and not put too much stress on myself. Easy in theory, but I am still in discussions with my ex about our shared property. That isn’t a lot of fun or something to look forward to. We are meeting again tomorrow night in a restaurant. I wanted to go somewhere neutral. It is too hard to have him in the house.
It was interesting when he was here last week. We were sitting on the couch and for the briefest of moments there was a flicker that everything was back in place and everything was the way it used to be. For the smallest amount of time. It flashed across my mind and then it was gone.
I reminded myself that it was over. It was never going to be what it was ever again. And then I started to cry. I miss him. I miss our life. I miss a lot of things about being with him. You spend this tremendous amount of time with someone that just doesn’t want to be with you anymore. And it is difficult to comprehend. And to work out in your mind.
I understand some music better now that I have been dumped. I watch TV programs differently now. I can relate so much better to some of the characters and their struggles.
I realized that I basically cried the months of May and June away. I left to go to work, but for really nothing else. I think I would buy some food items every now and then, but I really can’t remember it. I was seriously in a fog.
It is only just now starting to lift. And things feel differently. OK, now you are alone, what are you going to do with yourself? How are you going to manage life? What is it going to be like when/if you meet someone new? How am I ever going to tell them I am sick?
It is my deepest darkest secret. One that I hold very close to my chest and I do not tell a lot of people. Immediately I am treated differently. Suddenly no longer capable. And someone that can not be trusted with anything.
How am I ever going to be able to trust someone again? I don’t think I will ever tell another person all of my secrets. It is just too much for someone to handle. I will never be truly open with someone. I can’t go through it. I know that now. I burdened someone with my darkness. I can barely handle it myself. Why would I ever think someone else could bare the load?
So as difficult as these past few months have been I am learning so much about myself. Even if it is what not to do going forward. Those are big lessons. Probably one of the biggest lessons is that I am stronger that I ever imagined. Sure I have moments when I am a bawling bag of tears. Lots of those moments. But I am still here. That is amazing. I am still here fighting to move forward. Bottom line, I’m still here. And for now that is amazing.