I’m tired. These past few months have been exhausting. Anyone else feeling that way? Seems like here we are at fall and I can’t even remember a lot about summer. It just flew by. I read something on FB that said summer should get a speeding ticket. True don’t you think?
I have been putting a lot of pressure on myself to keep my shit together. I am going to work everyday now. I started full time a few weeks ago. I’m not going to lie. It is extremely difficult having a mental illness and working full time. I know that I have to be very careful to keep everything in a delicate balance.
Be sure to eat properly. That is a big one for me. I turn to junk food when I am stressed and tired and have no one to cook for. I look for things I can prepare that are quick and easy. Like a grilled cheese sandwich. Not always the best choice. The other night I made scrambled eggs. That is quick and yummy. And not a fatty fast food.
I have to be careful as I have put on some weight with all this separation business going on. It is making me very self conscious. I hate the way I look. So add that to the list of things that are going sideways for me. Exhaustion, increased appetite, weight gain. Sounds like side effects for a myriad of drugs that we all take. But I don’t think I can blame this on the drugs. This is life.
I know that I am doing a terrible job of looking after my well being. I have to start eating better. I am thinking of joining Weight Watchers AGAIN. I have joined a few times in my adult life. Always reaching my goal and then it slowly creeps back on. I am good at the losing weight part. The hard part is the keeping it off. But it works for me, so I think I will do it again. I have a girlfriend from work who wants to do it with me. So that will be good. Strength in numbers.
I looked into Zumba classes at our local YMCA. I have thought long and hard about exercise and I think dancing is the right thing for me. Then I won’t know that I am actually working out. Put me on a treadmill and I would start crying. I think dancing is the way to go. I will keep you posted on that development.
I have realized that no one is going to step in a take care of me. Nor should I expect anyone to do that. I am not even remotely thinking of dating anyone. That is so far off into the future. I have a lot of stuff to figure out about myself and what went wrong with my last relationship before I can even think about inviting someone new into my life. Makes me shutter just thinking about it.
So I am going to WW tonight. I am trying to prepare myself for the sticker shock when I step on the scale. It isn’t going to be pretty. But everyone has to start somewhere right? And for me right now this is where I am.
So the food will fall into line with the regimented system of WW. So that will be good. And when I start to lose a wee bit of weight I will start to get motivated to do some exercise. And Zumba is my plan for that.
I am content with my schedule of medications. I am not going to change anything there. It seems to be doing the best I could possibly expect from meds. They are a vital part to the balance in my life.
Stress is a big trigger for me. And not getting enough sleep. Those two things start to happen and I start to slide off into the deep end. But I have found having an acute awareness about that for me really helps. Once I figured that out, I was able to better manage my illness. I watch for little signs and if I am exhausted I take a break and sleep in on a Saturday and Sunday. Last weekend I didn’t even get out of my pjs and it was glorious! I highly recommend it if you can get away with it.
That is where I am at and I have a bit of a plan. I hope you are working on a plan too. Self care and management of symptoms are the key to coping and succeeding with this mental illness called bipolar. We have to take good care of ourselves. Vitally important.
Especially as women we put ourselves on the back burner and look after everyone else. Then we crash and burn and are no good to anyone including ourselves. Be selfish. Take the time you need to rest. Fuel your body appropriately. Do little things that help you see the goodness in the world.
We can do this. We really can. Reach out for support. Go to counselling. Talk to someone. Be your own best friend. And I give you all the permission in the world to be selfish.