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A Rough Path

wooded-path
I didn’t get the job. I found out today. They gave it to someone internally. I am extremely disappointed. Extremely. I worked over a week on those second interview assignments. I gave up a weekend to put a presentation together. Of course someone internally would get the position over me. How could I possibly compete? Why would they even ask me to do all that stuff if they were going to give it to someone they already knew. I busted my ass for that.

I know it is good practise. I know it was ultimately a good experience for me, but blah blah blah. It is extremely upsetting. I am taking it hard. It is very difficult to put yourself out there. I bought a new outfit I couldn’t afford. I know I can wear it to other interviews, but I shouldn’t have spent the money.

I am seriously having a shitty year. I would like to think I am doing ok, but then this happens and I am crushed. I put everything into something that I do. And if that doesn’t work out I am devastated.

I’m so tired. I really am. I am tired of fighting all of the time. I am tired of not sleeping. I am tired of feeling this way. I am tired of being beaten down. I’m just tired of it all.

I probably need a vacation. I haven’t had time off in a long time. At my current job I am not allowed to take holidays until I have been working there for 6 months. Trouble is if I take vacation I am sure I don’t have enough vacation time built up and it will mean I will go without being paid. Something I can ill afford to do.

The company I interviewed with told me that I was a very close second. That I was on their radar and that I should apply for other jobs they have posted. I feel exhausted just thinking about going through that whole interview process all over again. These last job interviews consumed my entire month of August. It is hard to take. And I don’t feel strong enough sometimes to keep on going.

I am on my own which is frightening enough. I don’t make enough money to keep my house which is heartbreaking. And I feel very alone.

I am having a good cry about losing out on that job and feeling a bit sorry for myself. This has been a tough time for me. I am sure I will apply for those other jobs, but I need some time to process what has happened.

It has been an exhausting past few months. I take a step forward and a few steps back. I sometimes miss the life I had. I miss having someone to be here with me. I am alone a lot of the time. And at times like this you need a shoulder to cry on. I have girlfriends who I can lean on and that is good, but it is not the same as having a partner. Someone you feel a connection with. Someone that will be there with you when you fail. I would like a soft place to land. But I don’t have that right now.

So until I do, I will keep on getting up everyday and working hard at getting through the day the best way I know how. That’s as good as it gets right now.

A Rough Path

Ang


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APA Reference
, . (2015). A Rough Path. Psych Central. Retrieved on December 13, 2018, from https://blogs.psychcentral.com/bipolar-roller/2015/08/a-rough-path/

 

Last updated: 26 Aug 2015
Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 26 Aug 2015
Published on PsychCentral.com. All rights reserved.