I didn’t get the job. I found out today. They gave it to someone internally. I am extremely disappointed. Extremely. I worked over a week on those second interview assignments. I gave up a weekend to put a presentation together. Of course someone internally would get the position over me. How could I possibly compete? Why would they even ask me to do all that stuff if they were going to give it to someone they already knew. I busted my ass for that.
I know it is good practise. I know it was ultimately a good experience for me, but blah blah blah. It is extremely upsetting. I am taking it hard. It is very difficult to put yourself out there. I bought a new outfit I couldn’t afford. I know I can wear it to other interviews, but I shouldn’t have spent the money.
I am seriously having a shitty year. I would like to think I am doing ok, but then this happens and I am crushed. I put everything into something that I do. And if that doesn’t work out I am devastated.
I’m so tired. I really am. I am tired of fighting all of the time. I am tired of not sleeping. I am tired of feeling this way. I am tired of being beaten down. I’m just tired of it all.
I probably need a vacation. I haven’t had time off in a long time. At my current job I am not allowed to take holidays until I have been working there for 6 months. Trouble is if I take vacation I am sure I don’t have enough vacation time built up and it will mean I will go without being paid. Something I can ill afford to do.
The company I interviewed with told me that I was a very close second. That I was on their radar and that I should apply for other jobs they have posted. I feel exhausted just thinking about going through that whole interview process all over again. These last job interviews consumed my entire month of August. It is hard to take. And I don’t feel strong enough sometimes to keep on going.
I am on my own which is frightening enough. I don’t make enough money to keep my house which is heartbreaking. And I feel very alone.
I am having a good cry about losing out on that job and feeling a bit sorry for myself. This has been a tough time for me. I am sure I will apply for those other jobs, but I need some time to process what has happened.
It has been an exhausting past few months. I take a step forward and a few steps back. I sometimes miss the life I had. I miss having someone to be here with me. I am alone a lot of the time. And at times like this you need a shoulder to cry on. I have girlfriends who I can lean on and that is good, but it is not the same as having a partner. Someone you feel a connection with. Someone that will be there with you when you fail. I would like a soft place to land. But I don’t have that right now.
So until I do, I will keep on getting up everyday and working hard at getting through the day the best way I know how. That’s as good as it gets right now.