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Why Can’t I Be “That” Woman?

Sometimes I look around and I wonder why I can’t seem to get it together. The laundry isn’t quite complete, the counters aren’t quite clean enough, I sometimes skip bath night, and dinner often consists of instant mashed potatoes and a quick marinade chicken.

My kids yell for clean pants and my husband hollars for clean underwear. I ponder what the nights “fend for yourself” meal will consist of, and I hang my head in shame. Why can’t I be “that” woman?

I ask myself all the time why I lack the motivation to be the mother I should be. I don’t throw these big wonderful birthday parties, I cancel play dates, I struggle to make it to work, and the dishes are my teenagers job. Again, why can’t I be “that” woman?

15 Comments to
Why Can’t I Be “That” Woman?

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  1. Just wanted to post and say I feel all the sentiments in your post. I will never be that mom either.

  2. haveThis is me! I cried, even my daughter is affected by moods. She will have days that she is sad, and its because I’m depressed. My poor husband busts his hump for us only to come home to an empty plate, messy house and a fat wife. Sometimes I hate my life.

  3. We can’t all be “that woman,” and I’m convinced that “that woman” doesn’t actually exist. We all get by, pretending to do all that we can with calmness. Like you, I have cancelled so many dates with friends that they don’t ask anymore. I totally “get” not wanting to go out once the time comes. My best friend knows to call and say, “We’re going out in ten minutes. Yes or no.” Don’t beat yourself up. We all do the best we can.

    • Karen,
      I have told my friends many times I am not allowed an option because where there is an option I will bail. It should be more like “be there in 30 minutes, we are going to lunch!” instead of a planned thing. I think it all comes down to the planning part, I suck at planning anything. I am a very (maybea little too much) spontanious person. But that is me and that isn’t going to change, so my friends will just have to work around it.

      “That woman” does exist, but I am sure behind the scenes at the end of hte day she is sorting through all her “crap” too, perhaps with questions like “why do I have to be ‘that’ woman” and envies us who don’t try so hard to be like her. I’m feeling now that “put together” can very easily mean making it out of bed and into my yoga pants and T-shirt. Hey, it’s a step when somedays I cant. I have to think positive about it 🙂

  4. Thank you so much for sharing. I have never read or heard someone’s experience that seems so similar to mine. Thank you for putting words to something I could not. Most women struggle with the balance and the pressures to be “that” woman. But I prefer to think because of what we struggle with, what we have lost and what we put back together – often on a daily basis – we are more sensitive to our “failures” or that we can’t do it “right”. I certainly don’t have the answer but am glad I am not alone.

    • Emily,
      I am so glad that I am not alone either. Sometimes I write about stuff because I do feel all alone, and then I get all these comments reminding me that it doesn’t have to be about my struggles, it is okay for it to be about being human. Thanks for the reminder!

  5. We all can handle what we can handle. Some people can handle more,Some people can handle less, some people have people they can delegate other tasks too, some people are more organized, some people are more social, some people know their limits, some people take on too much by themselves. Some people really do thrive under pressure and thrive unde a lot of responsibility, some are just happy to chill at home and watch tv. My point is that we all have different personalities, energy levels, and real motivations. We dont always know what those are until we are knee deep in life.

    • Jen,
      Thank you. You always have such a wonderful point to offer me that I never think of. So glad you follow and comment! You give the best advice 🙂

      • But my main main point is that I wouldnt fight your core personality too much and just try to work with it lol. Unless you really want to change? Some people can change for a little while if given no choice and others do it because something about their core personality is bringing them pain. But perhaps there are ways for you to get what you want and be happy and not betray who you are?

      • Jen, I do try to be happy with who I am and it can be difficult to find that happiness. I’ve started my ritalin again (I dont like taking it one bit) and it’s helping me pull my head together some. I can rely on that for now to help me stay focused and less scattered on the stressful side of my illess. It might be a good band-aid for now. 🙂

  6. Your post is indeed, very relateable. I look at other women and moms around me, and I think…why do I lack the skills they easily possess? Some days it is a struggle to do the things that would make the house run smoother…a struggle to get up and out of the house to take my son to the social activities that are beneficial to him (but for myself would have difficultly following through). There are days I have to realize that I am doing the best that I can for just that day, and where I am today is a better place then where I was during my last hospitalization.

    • Jane,
      Thank you for the gentle reminder that I am in fact doing everything I can, every day. It may not be enough to some but the simple fact that I made it out of bed should make me happy!

  7. Oh, thank you so much for this. My best friend is a perfectionist and she is organized, leading to some differences of opinion on such things as mentioned above.
    I’m sending her the link to your blog.
    She doesn’t understand that my mind is wired differently than hers. Thank goodness. We are comfortable together, have many common interests and do work well together, also thank goodness.
    But then, she is the one who gave me the plaque that says, “Say NO to housework.” I know better than to argue with her.

    • Megalodon,
      I hope you were successful in getting your point across. There are many of us who don’t understand the differences we all have in how we live and do things. The worst part of that is the many who cant put it into words. Glad I could help. Good luck!

  8. I am that woman when I am flying high. I have it all together, my kids have fantastic play dates where I lay out all the fixings to decorate home baked cookies. My house is clean and run on a beautifully made schedule. Everyone in my house is happy, my husband has that satisfied look on my face. Then crash, I can’t get off the couch, I can’t get out of the house for anything. My family is left stunned, what happened to super woman? She is on the couch feeling ashamed because she just can’t get it together!

    • Smorkie,
      You just summed it all up for me in a few sentances. Sometimes I wish I could stay high and be this super productive, amazing woman. Maybe that is why I hold myself to a higher standard? I know I am capable of being that woman, so maybe it’s important to remember that I am only that woman when I am sick, and I’d rather not be sick!

      I can totally relate. I’ll take lazy over manic most days. It’s better that way.

  9. I always envy those who have it all together, too. I am so similar. I feel for you, and me, and all the rest that are in the same boat….. I thank God my husband loves me and puts up with me. I guess what I take away from here is that we are not alone (a Buddhist thought), we can survive knowing this.

    • Mary,
      I agree that I feel much better after writing this post and hearing so many other women who feel the same as me. It is very hard when you have all these thoughts running around in your head with nowhere to put them. I was feeling very ashamed, and now I feel a bit more “normal” if that makes sense. Sometimes we can be so critical of ourselves that we don’t take time to see that others are the same way. While I still feel like I am failing, I am not as hard on myself as I was when I felt alone. 🙂

  10. I’d rather be sick. manic. my kids are happier when I am. …. they are suffering….. and I can’t make it stop.


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