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It’s Not You, It’s Me

Those are words everyone hates. Anyone who has ever dated has heard that phrase a time or two. It’s a terrible phrase and it should be banned from lips worldwide.

For me right now, those words could not be more true. I am so frustrated I just don’t know what to do.

My husband is so angry and irritated with me. I have been dealing with so much lately and it has been very overwhelming emotionally. When I get overwhelmed I withdraw and pull away from everyone. It’s my way of dealing with things. Unfortunately, even though we’ve been together for 9 years now he has just now noticed my responses. Maybe before he just didn’t care enough to pay attention or he just simply didn’t notice. I’m not sure but right now he’s turned into a big baby.

I have so much in my head I can hardly keep my thoughts straight. My head always feels like it’s spinning and in turn, I just spin in circles emotionally. I am not affectionate or loving, I don’t particularly want to be cuddled or loved on. I really feel like I am craving my own “me” space. I don’t know how much sense it makes but that is just the best way I can explain it.

Right now it is all me. I am worried and focused on getting better. I have been getting terrible headaches and I am getting easily frustrated. I’m spending a lot of time trying to deal with doctors, kids, and my husband’s new shift. Things just aren’t easy right now.

I used to depend on my husband for everything. For years when I needed him the most, he would abandon me with his emotional absence. Most recently was my breakdown just two years ago. I begged and pleaded for him to connect with me to help me but he was unable to because as he put it, “I’m just not that guy.” Okay.

So now the tables have turned and after spending 7 years being married to a man who is “not that guy” I turned into something else. I began to introvert more and depend more on myself for soothing and comfort when things got bad. Don’t get me wrong I still lean on my husband when I need his support, but I am finding that I don’t need that from him the way I used to. Probably a combination of being in a loveless marriage and being with a man who told me for years he is just not affectionate or loving, he’s “not that guy.”

So now that I have pulled away from him (the way he basically taught me) he is freaking out. He is accusing me of cheating on him, repeatedly telling me “you aren’t attracted to me anymore” or “I really think you cheated on me” or something along those lines. This is getting really annoying. I have tried so hard to explain to him that it is not about him. He always turns the table when I try to explain something going on with me and he puts it back on himself as “oh, I’m such a bad guy” or “Wow, I’m just a horrible husband” and it is just pushing me to my whits end!

How in the world am I supposed to get him to see and understand that it is me. It is about me, not him. I have to go through my own stuff sometimes and it is not always going to be about him. I have tried so hard to talk to him about it all but he just shuts me out and then starts complaining about how terrible I am because I have learned how to function with the old him. Seven years of that doesn’t just come undone over months.

I am so frustrated!

Angry couple photo available from Shutterstock.

It’s Not You, It’s Me


Beth


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APA Reference
, B. (2012). It’s Not You, It’s Me. Psych Central. Retrieved on July 9, 2020, from https://blogs.psychcentral.com/bipolar-mom/2012/03/its-not-you-its-me/

 

Last updated: 16 Mar 2012
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