woman hidingLast year I had an amazing determination that I envy today. Where is that woman? I miss her. She needs to come back.

I feel broken right now. Everything just seems to be spinning out of control and my head is also spinning. I am so depressed, I guess it is time to up the Wellbutrin.

Where is my strength? My determination? My will to succeed?

When my oldest left last year to live with his father, it broke me. My family is broken and so is my heart. I am still trying to heal from losing him. I spent 15 years loving him and raising him, and sending him to his father’s left my heart bleeding inside my chest. It has been four months and my heart still bleeds. I think it is time for him to come home where he should be, with me and his siblings. We all miss him so much.

A few months before he left I had found a determination I had never known before to “beat this thing” with every bit of strength I could muster. I was so proud to be proud of who I was. I never would have thought to tuck my tail out of embarrassment or shame. This weekend when I freaked out over a party, I tucked my tail. I lost.

My kids are so out of control I can’t even handle them. They ignore me, make huge messes (that I have to clean) and fight like enemies. My 7 year old takes three hours to do his homework because he believes since his dad isn’t here he doesn’t have to listen. I have a daughter who screams and gets the baby rowdy to the point there is no calming him down. I ask her to stop, try to put her in time out or on the couch for a rest period and it doesn’t work. She gets right back up and starts again.

I have decent parenting skills (I’m not perfect) but for some reason, they have gone batty! My husband is no longer home at bedtime since his work switched his shift. He stays an hour longer now and I am sure that has something to do with this mad chaos I am facing. He has to call and fuss at them at least once a night now if not more and gets upset with me for my inability to handle them properly.

Sometimes I just want to go to bed but I can’t because I have 3 kids under the age of 7 to take care of. I don’t even have time to cry or sort through my feelings. I’m exhausted all the time, all day every day. I am so sad.

I have another appointment next week with my psych and I know exactly what she is going to assume. She was concerned I was having a light hypo-manic episode last visit two weeks ago. Knowing that I cycle in and out in 3 week increments she scheduled an appointment 3 weeks out. She was right because now I am crashing, and crashing hard.

I feel lost, like there is just no hope for me. I do well, I do so well for a little while and then I bottom out. Why can’t I just find a good middle ground? Just all the mood switching and chaos is enough to make me want to pack my bags and run away. Seriously, I have considered it. Then I’d just be another “crazy bipolar woman” ruining the lives of everyone she loves.

Why does it have to be so hard?

Woman hiding photo available from Shutterstock.