woman in thoughtI’m not the only ‘bad guy’ in my marriage. My husband has done some pretty crappy things too. If I were to try to list the stuff he’s done throughout our 8 year marriage I think it would take days. Anyway, to sum it up he’s cheated (twice – once more than me!) lied, snuck around, emotionally abused me and has been a jerk to me.

Less than 2 weeks after we married he went out of town for something with the Army and slept with a stripper at his “bachelor” party he had after we were already married. Then less than 2 months after we were married he went to visit a friend for some graduation ceremony out of town and spent the night with a woman. Don’t ask how I found these things out, just know that I am very resourceful.

Anyway, I found out about the woman he stayed overnight with shortly after the event and found out about the stripper during a “confession” while 8 months pregnant with our fourth child. If only I had known sooner, I would be without these amazing kids of mine and the decent life I live every day.

So more to the point, I spent roughly 7 years in total hell before things came around and got a little better. He wonders now why I still have a hard time trusting him. Wow. Just….wow.

I should have left him after the first time he betrayed me but I was young and stupid. What about the dozens of other times after that? I just could not walk away. No matter how hard I tried and how many times I left him with no intention of going home, I could not leave my kids fatherless. So where did that put me? That put me slowly (but surely!) developing Borderline traits. *sighs*

There haven’t been many people in my life that I have genuinely trusted. I have also not been one to betray those that I care about. It is just not in my nature, I like to think I was raised better than that. However, I did take things into my own hands and cheated on my husband as some sort of twisted revenge against him for all the heartache and anguish he had managed to put me through after all those years.

The difference is, that was one night. One mistake. One weak moment where for the first time in a very long time a man made me feel like I was important. Something I had longed for, for a long time.

So, I’ve established all he’s done to break down and destroy our marriage with his infidelities and lies, his cheating heart and horrible behavior. I’ve also previously confessed my adulterous night. Where are we now?

There is an old friend who I reconnected with on facebook. He was a wonderful friend who came into my life when I needed a friendship like his the most. It was a very gradual thing, we had worked together, and we just slowly got closer. We were both in very bad relationships neither of us had any business being in, and through each other’s support managed to break away from unhealthy people in our lives. Through all this (it’s a long story) some lies were told and he left. He was a very important part of my growth and I never got to tell him how much his presence in my life meant helped me.

Him being in my life gave me room to breathe. It gave me room to smile and laugh. To remember the woman I used to be – before the man I had been living with. He was just an amazing person to be around; so bright and full of life and laughter. I went into work one day and they told me he’d moved – to the other side of the country!

I was devastated and only 20 years old. I was still so young and learning so much about life. I was growing emotionally and mentally in ways that I understand now, but had no idea then. He played a very big part of that.

For years I had wondered if he’d gotten married and found the life he more than deserved. Wondered if he was a father, and what he’d made of himself. He was that friend that was just kind of stuck in the back of my mind, so when I found him on facebook I was thrilled to see that he had a wonderful life. A beautiful wife and three beautiful children. It was comforting to me to find him again and know that through our friendship he was able to move past the negative relationship he was in to move on to bigger and better things. I was content.

We chat now about everything that life has to offer, especially parenting! We also talk about mental illness. I am a big advocate for mental illness and I will talk to anyone about it. I know that his wife faces some of the same struggles I have faced and I try help him to understand her a little more, and he tries to help me see things from a man’s point of view. It helps a lot sometimes.

I keep very little from my husband. I figure that is the best way to avoid fights and misunderstandings. He knows I talk to this old friend and I tell him about stuff that we chat about. The problem I have now is my husband is getting angry over this friendship. I don’t understand it. I question it. I question his past infidelities as well.

Why is he so insecure about me being in contact with an old friend? Why is he so pissy when I talk to him?

He is the one who betrayed me, but now I ask myself how deep did the betrayal go? I know that he had met with “female friends” behind my back throughout our marriage, so what in his past has him so nervous about this friend who lives hundreds of miles away?

Why is this creeping up now? Why am I finding myself so curious about his distrust? Could it be my own ‘paranoia’ kicking in? Is he suddenly insecure after all this time?

So many questions, with no answers at all. *sighs*

Thinking woman photo available from Shutterstock.