woman on couchThe past week has been a challenge for me. First I had to leave my husband and children for 3 days to have surgery. I don’t like leaving them, I always feel the need to be with them no matter what. That was really hard. I was with my mom which made it a little bit easier, but emotionally being away from them hurt like hell.

When I made it home I couldn’t snuggle my kids and welcome big hugs and kisses from them, I went straight to bed. It was heartbreaking for me to lay in bed without getting their sweet goodnight kisses. It left this gaping hole inside my heart, I just took a pill and went to sleep.

As the days passed I slipped into a depression, crying over nothing and everything. My kids saw this and buckled down to try to give me as much love as possible without hurting me. Slowly the heartache started to subside and the tears dried up. I was able to snuggle them and kiss them all, without much bother to my incisions. It became clear to me how large a role my kids play in my depressive episodes, and how much love can heal me when my heart aches so much.

Yesterday, I had the opportunity to take a good look at how everything is healing. It looks good, I guess – if I plan to leave my husband for Frankenstein! Ha, anyway, everything is moving along just fine. I have an appointment today with my family doctor so she can take a peak at everything, since my post-op with my surgeon is not until January 9th. I’m hoping everything looks good to her too.

My husband is still holding down the fort without flinching. I admire him so much and wish I could sneak a quick snuggle and kiss and I can’t. Now I am feeling a bit sad over that. My snuggles are a hug. I’m not used to that, but it’s not as bad as not being able to hold my children – that was torture.

I have had a lot of time to sit an watch the little ones run around and my observations have stunned me. I’m so hard on them for being kids. I need to lighten up, and so does my hubby.

My kids are out of school until the 23rd of January due to being in year round school. The past few days have been very eye-opening for me; it’s amazing what you can see if you just open your eyes and choose to see.

My daughter, she’s just an emotional little ball of love. She is a very nurturing little girl, but certainly doesn’t like to be picked at – it hits her deeper than just a “tease;” she’s effected on a very emotional level. I see me when I was four. I’m going to have to take more care in her emotional meltdowns and try to convince her brother that although it is hysterical to tease a little sister, it is not acceptable ever.

As for my 7 year old, the wheels are always turning in that boy’s head. He is so mentally engaged in everything that he talks, non-stop. When I say non-stop, I mean if that boy is awake he is talking. It is very frustrating and I always find myself asking him to hold his thoughts until I can listen. Maybe now I am going to start sitting down to engage just him and have these deep conversations about everything he knows (and doesn’t know!)

As far as the baby goes, he is so insanely simple I have to laugh. Having autism, everything with him is completely different. His happiness can be in shooting me a look that makes me laugh, or by sitting next to me on the couch. His needs aren’t so hard to figure out, considering he is only 2! I find he is learning more by watching movies and playing on the iPad. I’m okay with that. Stealing kisses from him is getting harder and harder, but sometimes I will still just grab him and give him a bunch of kisses and still get a little giggle out of him. I love it.

So with all that I have noticed over the past few days about my kids I have made some choices to listen a lot more, fuss a lot less, and take more time to love them. I think it will make a difference in my life as much as it will in theirs.

As for the chores, they will still be there tomorrow. I am glad that I had this procedure not only for the benefits of the surgery and what the outcome will be, but also for the ability to sit down and really watch my kids as they are here at home. They are so happy, sweet, and silly – it has to stay that way.

Woman relaxing on couch photo available from Shutterstock.