depressed womanAfter this huge issue with all these new medications, I can’t seem to get myself together. I had an appointment with my pdoc and she supported me dropping all the meds and staying with the Welbutrin and Ativan until after the holidays and my upcoming surgery.

My doctor is amazing (to me…so far) as she witnessed a very mild hypomanic episode and told me of her fear that I was climbing up. That was short lived, in fact only two days of peace before I bottomed out, again.

Depression is my enemy. I will have anywhere from 6-8 major episodes of depression per year. I know when I am going down, but I never really realize when I am going up. I think she was right, because today I felt a mild ‘crash’ which really sucks. I won’t be surprised if my husband fires me, or trades me for a better model!

Well not really, but it’s a random thought.

Dishes are piled in the sink, laundry is in the dryer (at least I got it washed), cooking pizza and take out for dinner, dirty floors, messy bedrooms, my kids crap scattered all over the house… I think it’s safe to say I am going back down. Damn.

This reminds me of when my husband shouted (very meanly) at me “no you really don’t do a lot every day!” as I cringed, got irate, and hung up on him. Needless to say I was happy he was not at home.

I would give anything for him to feel the depressive bottoms I have. In fact, I slept so terribly last night that I actually went in and put make up on because I couldn’t believe how terrible I looked. I am a jeans and t-shirt kinda gal, I don’t do make-up unless I am going where someone I know might see me. Other than that, I never really care. This morning, I cared, a lot.

I actually looked as bad as I felt, and then my hubby just kinda does his thing around here and doesn’t have to worry about how much it can physically hurt to get up and do something. Shoot, even thinking about doing something is hard sometimes.

I wish there was a way for him to know and understand, how horrible it can be when one day you are great, and the next you have to fight yourself just to get up.

I have been slacking on my meds and I am pretty sure that’s probably why I’m not doing very well. My vitamins and welbutrin are critical to me having energy and feeling good.

I need to find myself again, and get rid of these terrible feelings. I don’t like feeling worthless. This sucks.

Depressed woman photo available from Shutterstock.