blind leading blindI have posted previously about my oldest son.  He is a remarkable child with a beautiful soul and a loving heart.  He’s fantastic (when not getting on my nerves!) and I love him dearly.  We have grown up together, since I was so young when I had him.  We’ve always been very close and we still are.  We have both struggled together and overcome adversity together.  We have faced challenges together, and we are suffering mental illness together.  I don’t know how to help him.

Yesterday he had another episode of rage.  I believe he may be manic right now, and I had to call the cops.  I never could have imagined needing to bring law enforcement into my home to help me with him.  He’s such a good kid, I was stunned silent and scared with this latest episode of anger and rage.  I was terrified.

It all started with a paintball gun he couldn’t get to work.  He called my husband and asked if he could use his expensive gun, and my husband told him no.  This set off a chain reaction that I never in a million years would have predicted.  He began throwing stuff, screaming, slamming doors, and even pushed the baby down out of anger.  He was clenching his fists at me, his face was red, he was sweating profusely.  He was breathing heavily and swaying back and forth with a very empty look in his eyes.  I did not know this kid standing in front of me, and I was at a loss.  My husband who was working told me to call the police, have him sent to the hospital for an evaluation.

Once at the hospital the therapist was trying to get him to talk about what had happened and he did not remember.  The therapist told me all he could say is “I don’t know what happened, but it must have been pretty bad.  All I know is, I scared my mom pretty bad for her to call the cops.”  When she told me that my heart just broke into a million pieces.  Being there stuck in a room not knowing how he got there or what happened must have been a little bit scary for him.  I couldn’t even hug him or provide him comfort.  I was devastated.

When I tried to call the doctor’s office to get him in to see his doctor they told me they didn’t have any available appointments for two weeks.  She said if he is in crisis I needed to take him to the mental hospital.  This is very disturbing, they can prescribe my son meds but when he hits a crisis I have to pay to have him admitted to the hospital?  What’s wrong with this office?!?

The crisis unit called the doctor’s office, and they called me this morning and have scheduled an after hours appointment for him.  I am anxious to have him seen to get something in him to calm him down some.  I really think he is manic.

When we got home from this visit, my son was still somewhat out of it.  He was in kind of a zombie state.  I was walking on eggshells and not because of fear but because I wanted him to remain stable.  I was mentally exhausted.

My sister-in-law came over to stay with the kids and when we returned home my son realized my nephew (10 years old) ate all of the chips my son bought with his own money.  He had safely stashed them in his room to remain protected from the other evil hungry little people he shares his home with.

He went into yet another rage, shaking and sweating – turning beat red with fury.  My sister-in-law knew what had happened earlier, then proceeded to jump in attempting to defend her son’s actions. (she thinks the world is out to get him – she’s in trouble mentally too but we’ll save that for another day)  She started screaming at my son who is already beet red, shaking, and sweating in a rage, and then dares him to do something to her.  Knowing what he may be capable of I ask her to step away from my son, and she told me no.  She continued to get into the face of my manic and out of control 14 year old son saying “do something, go ahead, I dare you to touch me.”  With sweat pouring down his face, he stood  there, trying to look away, with his fists clenched, shaking, and trying to control himself.

Finally, after I had to get aggressive and tell her to step away from my son, she left.  She went outside crying about how my son is so mean to her children, and as I tried to explain to her his current mental condition, she told me there was no excuse.

I am lost.  I try to help my son by teaching him how to handle these situations.  This is so new to me though – trying to deal with him when I can barely cope myself.  I am working to find a good therapist for him but that has been fruitless.  It’s nearly impossible with the insurance issues and finding a well qualified therapist.

*sigh* It’s just the blind leading the blind right now.

Photo by andydr, available under a Creative Commons attribution license.