bipolar momAfter finally receiving a diagnoses, I felt both confused and relieved.  I wasn’t too sure what to make of “Bipolar” but I was willing to gather as much information as possible.  After years of instability I felt maybe this was it.  Maybe I had my answer and I could finally live a somewhat normal life.  This would not be the case.

I told my husband and my family that I was diagnosed Bipolar, and everyone was very supportive.  My husband and I did research to find out more about it.  We felt the best way to beat it was to be armed with information.

I searched Google high and low for blogs or stories from other wives who were successfully raising families while surviving Bipolar.  I felt very discouraged and very alone.

Over the last year I have tried so many medication, that I am exhausted by it.  I haven’t been able to tolerate anything really, for a variety of different reasons.  It has been very hard trying to cope on my own, but its getting better and easier.  I take a couple medications when the symptoms get bad, and for now it works for me.

After finally accepting the fact that I could not be properly medicated, I decided to start writing about my struggles.  I began my own blog.  I was upset that there was no “easy to find” answers for me, and I was pretty sure other women felt the same way.  I felt alone.

Through my blog I have found a strength and comfort I didn’t know existed.  I have found a community of both men and women who offer support, encouragement, and admiration.  I don’t feel so alone anymore.  I enjoy being able to reach out to others to erase that feeling of isolation and shame.  I am proud to set my own shame aside, to tell the world that I am not alone, and neither is anyone else battling to be a person, rather than a bipolar statistic.

Things aren’t easy around here, in fact, my husband and I just recently had a pretty heated fight.  Well, I did most of the screaming but hey, I was right! My teenage son and I fight frequently, and my kids and I often battle our wills.  I usually win, but I do everything I can to win fairly.

It is an every day struggle for me, but I keep going.  I frequently have to catch myself from going nuts on those I love, I have to stop myself from being hasty and aggressive.  I have to say no to myself in the store, and I have to remind myself that my kids are people too and they have feelings.  I have to stop myself from being ridiculous frequently, and I get frustrated at how much energy and effort I have to give this thing.

However, I am determined to be better than Bipolar.  I was quick to accept the diagnoses a year ago, and with the acceptance came the power to change.

I still have Bipolar, and I am still most definitely imperfect in so many ways.  If my goals are ever within reach, whats left to reach for when I get there?  My goal is perfection, since I’ll never be perfect, I will always put my best effort into reaching that goal.

So in the end, I got back up after a pretty severe fall.  I brushed myself off, cleaned myself up, put myself together, and kept going.  I am still climbing.

Photo by Thomas Widmann, available under a Creative Commons attribution license.