beating bipolarSometimes I feel as though I can beat this,  I can beat bipolar.  Other times, I feel like I have no will or strength left to try to defeat something which is bigger and stronger than my will.

I feel defeated right now, and I’m not too sure why.  I am discontinuing my antidepressant, preparing to start lithium.  I’m feeling very anxious about that and nervous, but I believe it is best for me.  I have tried so many other medications which have caused so many awful side effects that I am left with this as a final attempt to find a good stable ground.

I am not really depressed, or anxious, or frustrated, I’m not really anything this morning.  I had a mild little episode of anxiety last night over money, which is pretty frequent these days.  Several months ago my husband took all our money, and left me with enough to just “get by” and if I need more, I have to ask for it.  I agreed to do this, because as we know spending can be a big problem with bipolar.

I wanted to do better for my family and save more.  Well the problem is, when having enough to get by, when you have sick kids needing meds, dogs needing food, doctors appts, and other misc expenses the money to “get by” gets sucked away so fast I blink and I am broke!

I sorta lost it with my husband last night talking about how overwhelmed I am with money.  I have been very proud of myself for doing good with the little he gives me, and not having to ask for more very much.  Changing my spending habits was a very long and hard process but I think I’ve done well.  I don’t buy anything that isn’t absolutely necessary because I know I will have to answer to him, and he may not give me more money!  It’s been a great experience for both of us, but overwhelming for me.

Well when I lost it he was very good and let me know that due to the unforseen circumstances we’ve faced lately, he will give me whatever I need to get by until payday.  That was very comforting, but I am finding that I am still a little overwhelmed over not being able to control our expenses.  It sucks.

Well that’s pretty much it for now.  I have another appointment today with my Psych and I am going to go over what I need to begin the lithium, and I am hoping that my personal search for stability will end with actually finding stability rather than deciding to give up.

Photo by Adrian Sampson, available under a Creative Commons attribution license.