i can't remember anythingA couple nights ago, we were all curled on the couches watching a movie.  I asked my husband what the name of the movie we were watching was and he said it.  Maybe 5 minutes later, I was trying so hard to pluck the name of the movie from my memory but it was nowhere to be found.  I asked him again, and he looked at me funny and repeated the name of the movie.

Two minutes later, again, I had to ask him what the name of the movie was, and he gave me a look as though I’d lost my mind.  I truly could not remember the name of the movie. I was terrified inside, being unable to remember two words, while my husband and 14-year-old son were laughing at me.  It was humiliating.

My son and husband repeated the name of the movie with a great deal of frustration, and I felt as though I could just burst into tears.  I repeated the name over and over and over again in my mind, and 10 minutes later could not remember the name of the movie again.  It was awful, I couldn’t believe my memory was giving me such a hard time.  After all, I’m only 30!

Lately this has been growing into a major problem for me, and I have been hiding it from everyone.  It can be something as simple as whether I locked the doors, changed the baby, or fed the kids lunch.  Sometimes I’ll go to switch out the laundry to see the washer and dryer are both running, or I’ll go to make a cup of coffee and it’s already on the counter.  I feel like I’m losing my mind.  I’ve even started setting reminders in my phone, to help me remember stuff.

A couple weeks ago I went in for a psych evaluation ordered by social security for my application.  The doctor said 4 words, and wanted me to remember them.  I brushed it off and thought “good grief, I’m not senile!!”  Well, 10 minutes later, she asked me to repeat the four words she had spoken to me earlier.  I could only remember one.  I burst into tears in a panic because I could not remember the words she said.  She tried to coach me to remember what she’d said, but I just couldn’t reach into my mind far enough to remember.

It was humiliating, and I was very upset.  She told me it was okay, not to worry too much about it, but now I am starting to worry more.  Why cant I remember anything at all?  Why is my memory playing such cruel mean tricks on me?

I have an appointment Monday to see my psychiatrist.  I’m hoping maybe she will have some answers for me.  In the meantime, I continue to find myself checking and rechecking things, asking the same questions, and repeating actions on a daily basis.

Photo by Kristian D., available under a Creative Commons attribution license.