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Archives for March, 2011

Anxiety

Lucid Dreaming + Sleep Paralysis = A Hysterical Me

I really enjoy dreaming.  In my dreams at night I get to see those I love who have passed away, spend time with them and hold conversations with them I've missed.  I get to do things I can't normally do like fly, or breathe under water.  I can have time with my husband seeing exotic new places around the world, and I am usually very happy upon waking.  I love dreaming.

Since I have been...
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Bipolar

I’m Hoping To Find Stability

Sometimes I feel as though I can beat this,  I can beat bipolar.  Other times, I feel like I have no will or strength left to try to defeat something which is bigger and stronger than my will.

I feel defeated right now, and I'm not too sure why.  I am discontinuing my antidepressant, preparing to start lithium.  I'm feeling very anxious about that and nervous, but I believe it is best for me. ...
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General

When It Rains, It Pours!

Well, I must say it's been quite an eventful few days.  The end of last week was wonderful, I was blessed with being there while my brother and sister in law welcomed their third son into the world.  It truly was a beautiful and unforgettable experience.  After that, however, things just took a major turn straight towards chaos.

My entire family got sick, we were all sick throughout the weekend.  That was just a mess.  My husband...
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General

I Can’t Remember Anything!

A couple nights ago, we were all curled on the couches watching a movie.  I asked my husband what the name of the movie we were watching was and he said it.  Maybe 5 minutes later, I was trying so hard to pluck the name of the movie from my memory but it was nowhere to be found.  I asked him again, and he looked at me funny and...
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Anxiety

Choked By Paranoia: I’m Terrified To Leave My Children (Part 2)

When my baby boy survived such a traumatic delivery, I felt blessed to have him.  He was an amazing and curious little guy.  He loved everyone, he's always been the most affectionate of all my children.

At just 18 months old, he had gotten into some dangerous medication that my brother (who was staying with us) was taking.  He was fine after a short stay in the PICU at our local hospital, but only three days after taking him home,...
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Anxiety

Choked By Paranoia: I’m Terrified To Leave My Children (Part 1)

Being away from my children for any length of time is becoming extremely difficult.  I am always scared something will happen to them if I am not with them.  I think I may know why.

I remember the first time I almost lost my son, now six.  He wasn't even born yet, I hadn't even held him in my arms or heard him cry.  During his delivery, the heart rate monitor was rapidly dropping, and I was...
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Parenting

I’m A Crazy, Paranoid Mother!

Well, I am feeling better now.  I have had a couple of very unproductive days which in it's own way was some sort of therapy.  I spent the last few days doing a lot of nothing which has been very nice.

I have cleaned a little but not too much, and have managed to stay on top of my responsibilities fairly well.  The irritability has gotten a lot better and my fuse has grown slightly longer. ...
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Bipolar

Spiraling Out of Control: Struggling to Hold On

So what happens when I feel myself spiraling out of control? I hang on for dear life, and hope that it doesn't keep getting worse.  So when I am done spiraling, and I realize I couldn't hang on tight enough?  I look around and wonder why no one gets it.

At least that's my thought process.

All the other stuff?  Well, I try so hard to just hide it.  I try my hardest to keep moving and hope that it will be...
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Family

Did I Really Sing Like A Dying Cat?

I remember when I was about 7, my brothers would take my favorite baby doll and play "keep away" for what felt like hours.  I would get so angry I would scream at the top of my lungs, and eventually dig my nails into whatever bare skin was available and try to draw blood.

They would get so angry with me, and my father used to always have the same response, "if you would leave her alone,...
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