“Love is what we were born with. Fear is what we learned here.” –Marianne Williamson
I remember intense fear back to the seventh grade.
Stomach aches. Tight chest. Beating heart.
Thirteen years ago, I became depressed and anxious almost overnight.
My childhood was over.
Fear is the body’s natural response to danger. I have hardly ever been in real danger.
However, magnified and/or irrational fears are a serious issue for me.
This all began in middle school, but it grips me just as strongly now as it always did.
I am going to give myself credit where it’s due, though. I have actively participated in years of therapy. I have been largely compliant with my treatment and medication.
I am trying to break free of my fear.
So why can’t I?
It is frustrating to spend so much time working with professionals on how to break free of fear and anxiety, and still, at 25, I cannot get rid of the pounding chest and the psychological air of danger.
It has always been like this, too—no matter what medication regimen I am on, no matter how my life circumstances change, I always find something to fear.
I graduated from a large university a few years ago. It took me a little while to build up to a full time schedule and a job that requires advanced skill and responsibility.
I am an educated, well-liked, trusted young woman perceived to have a lot of skill (which, in my heart, I know I have).
I am respected for my abilities and maturity in an uncommon way.
I fear that everyone is wrong—surely, my employers have been misled; I should not be in a managerial, leadership position. I must have tricked them. Surely, that is it. My professional organization has got me all wrong—could I really be skilled and intuitive beyond my years? Nonsense.
Who is this jerk fighting with my happiness for the last 13 years?
My fear keeps me from having confidence and encourages self-sabotage.
If I do not believe in myself, how will my life blossom as it is supposed to? I am not letting my life unfold. I am killing my reality.
I am scared, and like a fearful animal, I am resisting. Fighting.
I cannot understand why I am my worst enemy.
Where did this begin? Is it my illness? The messages and culture I learned from my family?
I want to know why I find it so difficult to live without fear.
It does nothing for me. I know that on the surface-level.
I could easily say that to someone else.
So, my therapist would say, why do you do that to yourself?
Do you struggle with fear? Have you been able to work with it or overcome it? What techniques do you use?
Follow @KatGalaxy on Twitter