Especially my relationship with my mom.
It’s taken quite a few years to realize this, but eventually, I do or say something to upset my mother, and when I do, I feel her wrath.
I always fear being torn apart and/or ignored for several weeks.
A chess game.
Back in January, I wrote a post about my mother and me.
I described the hole that becomes bigger in my heart each time she throws me away on a whim, only to resurface again like nothing has happened.
It’s on her terms. Always.
It is October. It has been nine months since I wrote that article, one of my first articles here on PsychCentral.com, and things haven’t changed a bit.
I’d like to try and take the step I’ve been considering for a long time—emotionally detaching myself for good.
I carry this guilt around that my parents and family members have helped plant inside of me—you are bipolar, therefore, you are almost always wrong. You are unstable. We are right, and you, by default, are mistaken in your opinion.
You, Kat, are the one causing problems in the family.
I can no longer buy this, for my sanity.
I do have a right to feel the way I do. Mother is not always right. I’ve been trying to battle that for so long, and it’s all in vain.
I wave the white flag.
It is a heavy burden to feel as if I’m the cause of all relationship issues with my mother. I know deep down it’s not true. Relationships are a two-way street.
Being told these things for 20 years, however, have their impact, and it bleeds into everything else.
Someone told me me she had to detach emotionally from her father to be in peace.
That is something I’ve been thinking about doing for a while.
I’m always being advised to forgive. Let bygones be bygones.
I can forgive people for being emotionally unavailable for a period of time, but I can’t keep searching for it in someone, receiving absolutely nothing in return.
In romantic relationships, we pull the cord when we are not receiving what we need.
It only makes sense.
I don’t really know how to go forward. I have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow evening, and we will discuss all of this.
But we’ve discussed it before. And I’m frankly tired of having to bring it up again.
I need to find other outlets, and put this hurt to rest.
My mother is my mother, but she cannot be there for me. I think she has made that clear.
We need to know when to direct our energy and attention elsewhere.
I will see her at the holidays, at family events, but I cannot rely on her. I just can’t.
Maybe I need to learn how to be a pillar of strength for myself. Perhaps I need to find another motherly figure.
I will think about it, pray about it, and search for the answer. But for a loving, emotional person like me, learning to say “goodbye” to the relationship you always wished you could have with your mother is a tough pill to swallow.
I’m going to take it day by day. That’s all I can do. I have to learn to live life differently.
No longer will I let myself depend on my mother for support. I can’t get hurt anymore.
I need to be creative. I need to dig deep down and find what I need, and hopefully have enough courage to ask to receive it.
Do you have a detached parent or parents? How have you coped? Where else do you find support? What is the biggest thing you think you’re missing by not having an emotional connection with your mother and/or father?